I. AM. AWESOME.
 

It must be your spirit.

TM

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

Do any of you people really think you weigh more than people usually think you do? Everyone guesses low. I don't care who they are.

Next you people will be saying things like:

"Gee, I'm much older than people usually think I am."

or

"I'm much, much less attractive, engaging and cool than people on the board who've met me usually post that I am."

TM (Yeah, I left myself wide open, but I'm looking forward to some good ones)

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

Well, I do sometimes have bad hair days. I am at least as cool and engaging as people have posted that I am on the boards, but living up to the Pretty Lady press releases is a bitch.

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

Or, I give much much worse blow jobs than people tell me I do?

I dig rock and roll music.
 

and if you're wearing Levi's relaxed fit you don't still really take a 34.

Wide Load
 

Funny. Your work colleagues call you the the "big ass lady."*


*actually, they say huge

Wide Load
 

From the foto-archives of that magical night when you first met and made the love, it looks like that huge-ass was what attracted you to her:

http://badgas.co.uk/lynndie/fat_ass_thailand.jpg

Can I get an A-men???
 

Have you gotten so old and ornery that you can't even recognize a tribute post when you see one, doofus?

Can I get an A-men???
 

I think I photoshopped a giant open sore onto his face by accident (or, as I prefer to say when in client meetings, "on accident").

Can I get an A-men???
 

mine was posted during a commercial- any heterosexual male who is looking at this right now isn't. nttawwt

From the Things I Did Not Need To Know About BS file
 

No you wouldn't. It'd just make you more sure of yourself, which in turn would affect your speech and behavior in various ways. And you might send a picture of it to leagl or her successor so as to show off.

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

They come out tomorrow, and no, right away, and probably.

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

Meanwhile, Frank Black is white, and I have reason to believe Dr. Frank-N-Furter was not in fact a doctor.

I'm starting to think these people are unworthy of the name "Frank."

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

I'm actually younger than people think I am.* It's pretty depressing when I think about it. Thanks, TM.

*In real life, that is. On the internet, I am old, but also rich, so it evens out.

The best compliment ever
 

I think the Counting Crows are the most pretentious, untalented pile of garbage vomitted onto rock radio in the last decade. What kind of a band puts out a double live record as its third release? Their singer is a buffoon. The fake wail, the dreadlocks, the overwraught Bob Dylan-meets-the-Samples lyrics. Shit, from start to finish. I have been forced to listen to that shit band by each every one of my wife's friends, and some of my own. They're the only band I actually shut off in front of the listener and openly ridicule people about. If I could, I'd throw out the goddamned cds. I'll listen to Phish, Coldplay, disco, bad 80s music, anything.... But never, ever, will I endure a CC song.

Its like they let some bloated high school student who'd listened to American Prayer and Blood on the Tracks a few dozen too many times front a bar band.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to assorting my comic books... We open in ten minutes.

From the Things I Did Not Need To Know About BS file
 

Dick size affecting speech? Can I trouble you for an explanation? Is there a chart? I want to make sure I'm using the proper dialect.

From the Things I Did Not Need To Know About BS file
 

Do you notice how I post in short declaritive sentences? I just feel Res Ipsa Loquitur. Contrast- you and mmmmm always have long posts.

Fringey's sex life
 

Interesting.

I weigh more than people think I do, and I don't know what I attribute it to. Strangely, the mother of one of my older son's classmates is a STICK FIGURE (except for her huge TITS). She is really, really thin. I was saying how I wanted to lose a few pounds, and she was saying "Oh, why? (yadda yadda)" to which I responded - "easy for you to say" (or some such thing). Anyway, in this conversation, she told me she weighs about 125 -- and I was floored. I mean, that's what I weigh when I'm in mid-season form, but there's NO WAY I'm that stick-figureish. No way, no how. And I'm taller than she is. WTF?

Oops
 

"Crack is wack. Poor people do crack! Bobby and I only use coke!"

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

Catchy? Really?


Huh.

Oops
 

She's wearing the GPS underwear now, so that shouldn't be a problem.

TM

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

Speaking of,

I didn't know Flower worked for the NY Times

Can I get an A-men???
 

Yez.

(If, by 'ornery' you mean 'hornery.')

TM

From the Things I Did Not Need To Know About BS file
 

Exactly.

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

That is strange, because as I've heard him tell it, Biggie is the black Frank White.

TM

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

Its also one of those strange melodies that really grabs you and makes you feel like you should do something important. I feel like I ought to go write a book, or sail somewhere. Certain songs have that effect on me. Like, if I listen to Heard it Through the Grapevine, I feel like I should do something sinister. If I hear Ain't Wasting Time No More I think I should be high. If I hear Fortunate Son, I want to shoot somebody (I won't write his name here, because "they're" using the Carnivore internet trawler to spy on on us). The worst is Van Halen's When Love Walks In. I hooked up with a chick at the beach while this was playing once when I was very very young and now, whenever I hear it, I'm reminded of the beach (and the first time I saw a bikini line up close). But I can't listen to the song because its unbearable.

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

I guess this makes you the new Big Pun?

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

I'm the same way. Whenever I hear Sunday Bloody Sunday by U2, I want to wave a flag and be important. Whenever I hear the theme from Chariots of Fire, I want to run in slow motion. Whenever I hear I Wanna Get High by Cypress Hill, I want to get high. When I hear Hey Mickey, I always want to do cheerleader moves. It's weird . . . .

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

What does Melt Banana make you want to do?

From the Things I Did Not Need To Know About BS file
 

2

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

Fuck.

From the Things I Did Not Need To Know About BS file
 

Sometimes it is hard to talk with a big dick in your mouth.

The best compliment ever
 

I love you.

I think I can put it more succinctly:

Adam Durwitz is a fat ugly talentless fuck.

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

Don't date him girls. He's a machine gun.

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

What does Fuck the Police make you want to do?

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

Presently in my cd changer:

Blizzard of Oz
Judas Priest's Greatest Hits
Beach Boys' Endless Summer
The White Album (both discs)

Have you heard the new audiobook of Catcher in the Rye? Leonard Cohen really nails it.

Six Feet Under
 

No spoilers, really. I thought it was a bit of a snoooooze.





















Only the fantasy sequences were mildly interesting. David's surrogate mom beauty pageant and Brenda's guilt-ridden examination of paigow's paradise/me condundrum through her conversation with Lisa contained some interesting, if unoriginal, commentary. Lisa had the best lines in the whole show -- "all that anonymous cock" was funny and mean, and I thought the line about her brother in law -- "that was more of a spiritual thing" -- was delivered brilliantly. Other than that, the only other part I enjoyed was the scene where Nate and David said that Claire really knew how to pick 'em.

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

Cry.

The best compliment ever
 

At an airport, I once overheard a couple of post-college frat boy lunk head types who were actually traveling to Counting Crows shows. WTF? Why would anybody do that?

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...
 

I am currently listening to Acme by the JSBX (Do you wanna get heavy?), and before that I was listening to the Rough Guide to the Music of Sudan. Speaking of the Sudan, I know in my mind that it is wrong to like ultraviolent bands of camel-riding, raping and pillaging desert militia, but for some reason my heart refuses to let me hate the Janjaweed.