Granny on the Lam Update...
 

Sure you can. Just write a check.

How to Speak Chicagoese
 

As a handy guide for visitors to our fair city, I once again present a handy guide to speaking Chicagoese. Warning -- while some of these phrases are quintessentially Chicago, overuse of them will peg you as uneducated.

1. Grachki (grach'-key): "Garage key" as in,"Yo, Theresa, waja do wit da grachki? Howmy supposta cut da grass if I don't git intada grach?"

2. Uptadaendada (up-ta-da-en'-dada): "Up to the end of the" as in, "Joey, you kin ride yur bike uptadaendada alley but not acrost or I'll bust yur butt."

3. Sammich: Chicagoese for sandwich. When made with sausage, it's a sahsage sammich; when made with shredded beef, it's an Italian Beef sammich, a local delicacy consisting of piles of spicy meat in a perilously soggy bun.

4. Da: This article is a key part of Chicago speech, as in "Da Bears" or "Da Mare" -- the latter denoting Richard M. Daley, or Richie, as he's often called.

5. Jewels: Not family heirlooms or a tender body region, but a popular name for one of the region's dominant grocery store chains (Jewel). "I'm goin' to da Jewels to pick up some sahsage."

6. Field's: Marshall Field's, a prominent Chicago department store. Also Carson Pirie Scott, another major department store chain, is simply called "Carson's."

7. Tree: The number between two and four. "We were lucky dat we only got tree inches of snow da udder night."

8. Prairie: A vacant lot, especially one on which weeds are growing.

9. Over by dere: Translates to "over by there," a way of
emphasizing a site presumed familiar to the listener. As in, "I got the sahsage at da Jewels down on Kedzie, over by dere."

10. KaminskiPark: The mispronounced name of the ballpark where the Chicago White Sox (da Sox) play baseball. Comiskey Park was recently renamed U.S. Cellular Field, aka the Cell.

11. Frunchroom: As in, "Getottada frunchroom wit dose muddy shoes." It's not the "parlor." It's not the "living room." In the land of the bungalow, it's the "frunchroom," a named derived, linguists believe, from "front room."

12. Youse: Not the verb, but the plural pronoun "you." "Where's youse goin'?"

13. Downtown: Anywhere near The Lake, south of The Zoo (Lincoln Park Zoo) and north of Soldier Field.

14. The Lake: Lake Michigan. (What other lake is there?) It's often used by local weathermen, "cooler by The Lake."

15. Boys' Town: A section on Halsted between Belmont and Addison which is lined with gay bars both sides of the street. "Didn't I see youse in BoysTown in front of da Manhole?"

16. Braht: Short for Bratwurst. "Gimme a braht wit kraut."

17. Goes: Past or present tense of the verb "say." For example, "Then he goes, 'I like this place'!"

18. Guys: Used when addressing two or more people, regardless of each individual's gender.

19. Pop: A soft drink. Don't say "soda" in this town. "Do ya wanna canna pop?"

20. Sliders: Nickname for hamburgers from White Castle, a popular Midwestern burger chain. "Dose sliders I had last night gave me da runs."

21. The Taste: The Taste of Chicago Festival, a huge extravaganza in Grant Park featuring samples of Chicagoland cuisine which takes place each year around the Fourth of July holiday.

22. "Jieetyet?": Translates to, "Did you eat yet?"

23. Winter and Construction: Punch line to the joke, "What are the two seasons in Chicago?"

24. Cuppa Too-Tree: is Chicagoese for "a couple, two, three" which really means "a few." For example, "Hey Mike, dere any beerz left in da cooler over by dere?" "Yeh, a cuppa too-tree."

25. 588-2300: Everyone in Chicago knows this commercial jingle and the carpet company you'll get if you call that number -- Empire!

26. Southern Illinois: Anything south of I-80 (15 miles south of Chicago).

27. Expressways: The Interstates in the immediate Chicagoland area are usually known just by their 'name' and not their Interstate number: the Dan Ryan ("the Ryan"), the Stevenson, the Kennedy, the Eisenhower (the "Ike"), and the Edens.

How to Speak Chicagoese
 

An alternative to Sammich, especially if you're a Nort-Sider (anybody who refuses to go south of Harrison Street without a weapon of some sort), is "sang-wich." Hey, Bobby, gimme a beef sangwich wit hot an' sweet*."


*Hot and sweet refer to green peppers, hot being gardiniera, a mix of small hot peppers, carrots, celelry, and olives, packed in olive oil, and sweet bell peppers, either fried in olive oil or braised in vinegar.

How to Speak Chicagoese
 

I actually made the mistake of eating a few sliders sober the other day. Oh, man, you don't want to make that mistake.

How to Speak Chicagoese
 

I think I'm the only midwesterner to have never tried White Castle. Now I don't think it will ever happen.

Is Steak n Shake a midwest thing? God I wish there was one downtown...

How to Speak Chicagoese
 

It is a Midwest thing, but there are none in the city. Plenty in the burbs, though.

As for White Castle, I love them and Mrs. Hand hates them. HATES THEM. Can't be around them hates them. Therefore, I usually get them when I work late or on nights when she's out somewhere (there's one about 1 mile from my place).

I usually gorge on them, and then get sick and can't even look at them for a couple of months. Then I want them again... Repeat.

How to Speak Chicagoese
 

The thing to remember about sliders is that they are simultaneously steamed and fried. That's why the patties, which are tiny to begin with, have holes in them, so they'll steam through faster. It not only reners the burgers slimy, but it turns the bottom half of the bun to mush if they sit for longer than a nanosecond. Trust me, these babies should only be consumed if you are totally tanked.

What a drag it is being old (economy)
 

Did he really say casino revenues are needed to fund operations?

Is Chicago dying?

Gassy
 

I'm not usually one to comment on things like this or really care, since it's such a de minimis expense in the grand scheme of things, but holy shit:

$2.45 for regular unleaded??!!?? I still remember paying $.89 for it in the Summer of 1999.

Gassy
 

Move out here to West Podunk. We're only paying $1.91 in Will County.

Gassy
 

The gas station I go to in Will (barely), just bumped regular from $2.04 to $2.14 in the last three days...

Off the subject, just bought a very nice watch. Looking to (for kicks only) test the theory I heard in the local media (prompted by coverage of the Mickey Segal trial) that nice watches draw the cougars and the "working girls" in the Viagra Triangle on Rush...

Good times.

Gassy
 

What'd you get? Mine doesn't chum the waters, other than the occasional "did you get that as a gift or buy it for yourself?"

Gassy
 

A nice Tag, one of the ones in the recent Tiger Woods ads.

ETA: Post 200 on this board!! Woo Hoo!

I regularly wear one of my two nice, heavy expensive (by my standards, this means more than $1500 or so) watches (when I'm not too freaked out about getting mugged for them) and never really get any special attention from cougars and their ilk. Sometimes people compliment them, but in a sincere, "I recognize that watch" way. I think that there are so many guidos out there wearing flashy watches that aren't really that expensive that I don't think the diggers really notice subdued ones.

Or maybe my watches don't cut it, and it's not until you cross the five figure barrier that these types come after you.

Gassy
 

That's the way it should be. Man-jewelry shouldn't cost more than $500.

Edited to add that I would get a MUCH greater benefit from buying the girlfriend an expensive watch than buying one for myself.

I have a $300 watch that I absolutely beat the shit out of. Still tells time. Still looks great.