Chainsaws
 

I just thought she had extra beefy roast beef.

Getting some mileage out of that one.

Chainsaws
 

Oh, something came up and I couldn't meet up until late...so things got moved back and I'd been at work until 2 am the night before so I was exhausted and had an early client call this morning...so I really wanted to be in bed asleep by 1, however, I was kicking myself as I was heading home. He was almost too hot though...

Chainsaws
 

Acceptable ways of saying "Whiff":

1. Whiff!
2. You, sir, are the Mayor of Whiffville.
3. I'm sorry, that's incorrect. But we have some lovely parting whiffs for you.
4. I think when you posted, you failed to realize that the poster to whom you replied was not being serious or literal about the substantive content of his or her post, and by treating the post seriously, you have made yourself to appear the fool.
5. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed whiffer is King.
6. This whiff sent such a shiver of ecstacy though my testicles, that the merest whisper will send my love anaconda into a violent explosion of semen, ejaculatory fluid, semi-coagulated blood, and sexually transmitted disease-related puss.

Chainsaws
 

so nothing happened.

Chainsaws
 

The skirt thing is still pretty hot. I give the story a B-.

Chainsaws
 

not entirely true. i'm betting that she made the conference call.

aV

Chainsaws
 

How is nothing impressive? I guess she did qualify it as "impressive for [her]."

Chainsaws
 

How can anyone be too hot? That seems unpossible. I have never heard the following:

"So how'd it go? D'you have sex?"

"Well, no. We fucked around a bit, but I'm kinda concerned."

"Why?"

"Well, the thing is... she's too hot. I mean, she is REALLY fucking attractive. Smoking hot."

That conversation does not exist on the male side of reality, and I have never heard a chick say anything like that. I think you're nuts or full of shit.

Oh, and what DID you actually do? Suck, fuck, tickle, shackle, grab, dry hump, finger, nibble, bite, swallow... ante up.

Chainsaws
 

Well, not like your first dates, but you're a pro and I'm an ammy...there's a different scoring system here.

Chainsaws
 

If only you were here, I would vomit on you. Fucking spit it out, s(tupid)b(itch).

On a somewhat related note, what do I do with my hearts?
 

So, over the course of the relationship, Lunchbox collector made me several hand-carved wooden hearts out of various exotic woods (e.g., ebony, blood wood...). What the fuck do I do with them? Should I throw them out or sell them on ebay or keep using them as paperweights?

Chainsaws
 

Then why go commando with the semi-see-through skirt? I thought you said you were ready for sex.

Chainsaws
 

I bet she flipped the skirt.

Chainsaws
 

Interesting. I could kick your virginal ass though if you ever said shit like that to my face, bitch.

On a somewhat related note, what do I do with my hearts?
 

Keep one and give the rest back to him. Or to his family.