Montessori
 

Confidential to fringey: Most parents have had sex.

And because I am a helper but not a parent, I will post a link to an article about Gen X parents on the lawyers with kids board: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/200...nts/index.html

Enjoy.

Montessori
 

Yes, but the fact that they now have children may indicate that sexual activity has taken a nosedive. And they might get jealous.

Plus, I have never really bought into that connection between sex and children. I think it's a myth. The stork explanation is much more believable.

Montessori
 

so the unstructured Monterrosi school leads to meds and being a tax attorney?

Montessori
 

Enough with the insults. I am not a tax attorney.

On a side note, your moniker really makes me think of things leaking in an unpleasant way. Blech.

Montessori
 

Hilarious thought to end a great night with.

I will give you this: there is a benefit to single parenthood. After an exhausting day of collecting cat pee from the litterbox for urinalysis testing, chasing the cat around to get him to the vet, doing 5 loads of laundry, and a full work day, I can eat peanut butter sandwiches for dinner and when the day is done, I don't have to put out (NTTAWWT).

BTW - I have discovered an incredible method to displace desitin/A&D and other such icky stuff that ends up in your fingernails for days. (Ever gone to a client lunch and discovered you have zinc oxide stuff caught in your nails?). It's called Rash Mist. Not to be used if there is already diaper rash (you'd need a better barrier). You spray it on a few inches from the spot and it covers the area beautifully. Here it is: (use the spray form) http://www.petkin.com/html/body_skincare.html

Newbie's question
 

Hi, first time poster. This seemed the place for my question:

When do I tell my firm that I've caught pregnant and schedule maternity leave? I'm only 10 weeks along, but since I'm spending a good hour of each working day puking my guts up and a significant portion of the rest dozing off, they'll probably cotton on eventually.

After I've gotten that cleared up, I'll be back with my "now that I've told them, what should I do about the senior partners looking at me like I've got leprosy" question.

Thanks,

Trepidation Mom

Newbie's question
 

"Caught pregnant"? That's rich.

Never had to do this personally, as I am XY, but etiquette dictates that you have no obligation to announce your expectancy to anybody until you're well and through with the first trimester.* Anybody who asks "What, are you pregnant or something?" while you're puking into your trashcan is not entitled to an answer. In one of nature's many cruel ironies, this tends to coincide with the exact moment in pregnancy when you generally stop puking in your trashcan. That answers the "when" question.

Anyone who tries to "guess" should be given a cold or exasperated look. Anyone who later complains that you "should have" told them earlier can be cut short by saying that in your family you never tell anyone in the first trimester, and refuse to explain why. Hopefully, this will embarass them into silence.

*Of course, you want to be the first person to tell your boss, so if you want this to be a secret until the beginning of Trimester Two, don't tell anyone who has contact with your workplace.

Newbie's question
 

Thanks, but I had the general etiquette point figured out. I was wondering, more as a practical matter, how much lead-time firms expect for maternity leave, and when others broke the (no doubt devastating) news that they would be vanishing for a few months in the forseeable future.

Any thoughts on whether I should just march into HR to schedule the time or break the sad news of my fertility and evident lack of dedication to the partners I work for first would also be very welcome.

(I work in M&A so, while I expect a certain amount of credit for "good timing" since the market is still slow, I do not expect the people I work for to be amused in their heart of hearts. I am fairly senior and valuable, but in all the time I have worked here - in fact, in all the tales I've heard of the time before I started - no woman in my department has ever given birth and come back. I plan to.)

Thanks,
Trepidation Mom

Newbie's question
 

First, I forgot to say, congratulations.

Second, I'll leave it to people with FHK to tell you their experiences on exact timing, but I would say definitely tell the partners you work for first. Telling HR first makes it seem like it's something to be embarrassed about, or that you're hoping they won't notice you're gone.

Newbie's question
 

Congratulations!

Tell the partners first (before HR) and assure them you intend to return to work. I am guessing the more informed they are about your plans, dates, etc., the better they will feel about the whole thing. Having a plan of action to present to them (even if it changes later) will probably sit well and demomstrate that you care about your job/the firm, etc. and intend to make the transitions as smoothly as you can for them. Perhaps bring up the idea of doing a (very) limited amount of work at home, etc.

You have no obligation to tell anyone until you are into your second trimester, however. It's really sad that anyone has to dread telling their employer, but that's just how it is at many jobs. I am 34wks with #1, but I went contract with my firm this year and only work for them when I want, to supplement outside income - so not the same situation at all.

And for the puking - I got good advice some weeks ago, but try lemonade - it was the only thing I could keep down for awhile. That and cheese cubes. Others swear by those seasickness wristbands - you might want to check them out.

-TL

Newbie's question
 

Congratulations!

baltspouse, who is also an attorney, told her firm at about 15 weeks. She told her immediately supervising partner first, followed by the rest of the partners she works with by morning's end, capping it with an anouncement to everyone else during the previously scheduled lunchtime staff meeting. I have no idea when she spoke to HR. The timing at my firm was similar; we coordinated to announce on the same day because, well, it's not that big a legal community, and people - in particular, secretaries - talk.

I think what is key though is your attitude toward the whole thing. You are likely considering giving them at least 20 weeks notice. That is plenty of time for them to figure out how they are going to handle the situation, and for you to help them come up with a plan. Make no apologies for being pregnant. Keep your files up to date and create and keep up status memos (baltspouse went home from work one day at about 29 weeks and finally made it back into the office just under seven months later - she was put on strict bedrest in the middle of the night [everything was okay, eventually]). And when the time comes to go, just tell the appropriate people and and walk out the door. Don't even give them a chance to resent that you aren't there.

As long as you keep your co-workers informed, you shouldn't have problems coming back. Of course, if your boss is 60, on his third marriage, doesn't speak to his daughter and communicates with his son only by yelling, YMMV.

HR needs very little lead time. It's not like they will be involved with anything but your paycheck and benefits anyway. Lots of folks leave the decision on when leave will start until much later anyway.

Definitely tell the folks you work with first. They're the ones (in your workplace) who will feel the impact, and who deserve to know first. I wouldn't limit it to partners either, though I'd go to them first: If there are midlevel or jr associates who get much of their work through you, your leave will make a big difference to them, too.

As to when, most people in my office seem to wait until around 4 mo.; very few say anything before 12-13 wks. except to close friends.

Congrats, and good luck!

Newbie's question
 

Concur with most of the advice you've gotten here.

Tell when you feel like it. I told my managing partner first, then the partner I did most of my work for. I asked both not to tell for 2-3 weeks as I was awaiting the results of CVS testing. After CVS testing, I went office to office telling other partners, then other associates, then staff.

No one treated me as if I had leprosy, although as I grew larger, the partner I worked most closely with started telling me to go home pretty early every day. I was happy to oblige.

I do M&A too. As you get closer to your due date, you'llhave to determine if you'll be bale to do certain deals without leaving anyone high and dry. Don't forget that you'll still have a phone and email even after you deliver.

And tell them you plan to come back. For some reason, people seemed to care...

Newbie's question
 

As others have said, congrats.

I agree with the advice so far: tell your closest partners first, wait until you are at a point in your pregnancy (i.e., after first trimester, or even after the 18 week ultrasound) when it is usually customary to spill the beans; and don't be apologetic.

A personal anecdote: I faced a similar dilemma with no. 2: in my case I had an out-of-state trial scheduled for a month before my due date. Absent that factor, I would have waited until my suits didn't fit anymore; as it was, I went to the partner I worked most closely with as soon as I was past the first trimester mark, told him I had good news and bad news, and just spit it out. Unless you work for absolute monsters, people will be happy for you on some level (they all have kids, right?). I don't know how many hairs this partner tore out after I left his office, but he was (and has continued to be) very supportive, and I think appreciated the advance notice.

In all events, be confident about this, and communicate that you have a plan for how to handle or delegate whatever is on the horizon. If you keep talking to folks throughout about what should be delegated during your leave and what you will handle when you return, it will also help them believe that you intend to come back.

its anxiety-provoking to be the first in a situation like this, but if you handle it calmly and professionally, you should be fine. good luck!

adventures in babysitting
 

How much do you pay babysitters? What time is included? And do you feel an obligation to provide dinner if they'll be there at that hour? If so, is pizza an OK dinner?