Stabbing people in the face
 

Oh, come on now. You, of all people, should know that we're going to need some embellishment. And if your new summer is half as dumb as our new clerk, then we can test together. Now SPILL!!

Stabbing people in the face
 

s/he is just my absolute antithesis. we have nothing in common. nothing.

I just should recuse myself from all summer clerk stuff. though, it is possible they dont' like this person and only send me out with clerks they don't want to come here.

Revenge
 

Seeing the ex this weekend with his new girlfriend* has me thinking of revenge (what else is a spinster to do?). Have you ever exacted revenge on an ex without breaking any laws or causing bodily harm? Any ideas? It would be so nice to see his life get complicated.

I did hear that his company is looking to cut 800 jobs in his department. That would be a nice complication.


*The ex and I played on a soccer team together. The season is over and the team is disbanding for a variety of reasons so my pettiness will dissolve over time.

Stabbing people in the face
 

Was he at least hot? Does he have a Prince Albert?

In other summer associate news, Fenwick is helping one of our incumbant local judges raise money to stay on the bench. The kid just got back from taking our group of summers out to lunch with Judge B.H. "Jimmy" Throckmotten. I overheard one of the female SAs ask Fenwick if it was ethical for the judge to put his hand on her thigh while he asked her for "a contribution to his re-erection campaign."

I think Fenwick started crying.

Revenge
 

That is not possible. Instead, look to breaking laws and causing bodily harm without getting caught.

Revenge
 

Does he have a brother you could sleep with? Best friend? Sister?

Chuck D wants to know...
 

You might be interested to know that the musical "Spamalot" will be doing its pre-Broadway run here in Chicago late this Fall. Written by Eric Idle, it is a musical retelling of "Holy Grail" starring David Hyde Pierce, Tim Curry and Hank Azaria.

Much like the pre-Broadway run of the Producers here, I will wait until the reviews come out before buying tickets to this. It will either be hilarious or very, very bad. There is no in-between.

On the pseudo-celebrity front, saw actor Jeremy Piven and met Graham Colton of the Graham Colton Band at a concert this weekend. Nice guy. Mrs. Hand and friends went to see Sting and Annie Lennox last night, and said Annie was great but Sting wasn't. Only 3 Police songs and apparently dragged Roxanne out for an unbearable 10 minutes. Ugh.

Revenge
 

Nope. He's an only child and I don't want to sleep with any of his friends.

Stabbing people in the face
 

Your firm schedules people to go on lunches? in groups? That much formality is weird. We've always been encouraged to ask them, but not forced. I think you'd be a good one to go. You don't seem like the "what a great firm" cheerleader sort.

When I've been at places I hated, these lunches always struck me as the moments I realized just how wek-willed I truly was. I'd be at lunch was a summer or a candidate, and another associate. The associate and I had been talking just a week before about how much the place sucks, etc. Then were telling the poor kid how bright his prospects will be if only he joins us.

Fringe, I imagine you would less a liar than me.

Revenge
 

What about his mother?

Revenge
 

Why not the new gf?

And Hank, I am the epitome of firm cheerleader.

Revenge
 

Good thinking. I bet Anne would even get bonus points if she could steal the new gf away from him.

Revenge
 

She's dead. I don't want revenge that badly. The new GF is out, he'd get all excited about a possible threesome. Besides, I don't find her at all attractive.

I want to do something that is going to cost him a lot of money.

Revenge
 

No, it's about denying him the threesome and having the new gf realize how crappy he is in bed.

but if she is unattractive, then I guess that is out of the question.

Revenge
 

Are you looking to get revenge on both of them, or just him? Can you use any inside intel on him to sabatoge his current relationship? Do you have any ready accomplices (other than, of course, we fellow spinsters who are ready to take up the sword for a sister in need)?

There are petty, annoying things to do, like signing him up for a variety of spam lists and the like or letting all the air out of his tires, but that's just irritating not life-complicating. And you don't want to expend too much capital on this project, because he's not worth it. Rumor, inuendo and flat out lies are always good, but only if the person you're telling them can spread the intel without attribution to you and has a good network, for maximum spread of information. Incrimidating photographs are excellent, especially if they can be brought to the attention of someone he cares about.

Revenge
 

Letter to ex and new GF "Shithead- remember my friend you were fucking behind my back for a year? Well she was just diagnosed with HIV. I just got my results back negative. You both should go get tested right away. "

Revenge
 

Do you care if he knows it's you causing financial pain? Do you have any, er, financial matters left unresolved between you that you could bring to his and/or his lawyer's attention?

Revenge
 

Is this a new contraction, or just a Texas thing?

Revenge
 

Just him. He's the type that will bring her down with him. Especially if it is a financial problem.

I know his lease is up in August so they will probably move in together soon, if they haven't already. That's why I'm really hoping he loses his job. They both go down. Or maybe he will have to move back to Brooklyn.

I don't have that kind of network. The soccer circle we travel in is small, but I have managed to do some minor damage. He's not very well thought of.

Revenge
 

It's my total and complete inability to spell. Blame Mrs. Reagan, second grade teacher. I hated that bitch.

Revenge
 

call the local pizza joint and order 37 pizzas* for delivery to his address? do so everyday for a year? I guess it would depend on how much money he has now whether this ploy would result in his financial ruin.

the saddest thing to me about my suggestion is that I can't even recall which stupid movie I'm stealing this from.


*make sure to order all with gross toppings, so that he doesn't see this situation as a windfall.

Revenge
 

You seem to spell "no" pretty well. That bitch.

Revenge
 

Oh yessss.....

College (youthful indiscretion, don't you know).

Ex is going to be at a party I am attending that evening. I have a friend make a call (this was in the days before caller ID -- yes, I am a dinosaur) telling him that she's always admired him from afar, and really wants to meet him, etc.

He mentions the party, and would she like to come. She agrees. She tells him she's tall, blonde and will be wearing a red dress.

Well, don't you know (and this proves that the gods were smiling upon me -- and he deserved it!), a tall, blonde, very beautiful girl I know (but not well -- she was not at all in on this plan) shows up to the party in a red dress. He, of course, assumes she's the one who called him, and makes his move, she rebuffs him (probably thinking he's some sort of lunatic -- not without cause), and my friends and I watch from the sidelines. Of course, we then let it get around how it was all a prank, and he was quite embarrassed (and more than just a little pissed with me, I don't mind telling you).

Much screaming and yelling ensued, loud argument in front of everyone where I cut him down to size*, and all in all, it was most satisfactory. [I had forgotten all about this -- I'm getting all tingly now just with the memory of it -- this kind of mojo only happens on sitcoms.]

(God, I hope he doesn't read this board -- eh, who cares...)



*I sure hope this wasn't an instance akin to Homer Simpson's, to wit: "Then I slipped out of my wet clothes and into a dry martini...." -- even if it was, it's no matter, because the memory in my mind's eye is perfection itself.

jackiechristie.com
 

This place fucking sucks. The food is horrible. If you want to see the wives of B-level athletes, it is the place for you.

Wow. Sounds to me like she didn't even see (let alone read) the damn play, because that's not really what it's about. It's just a part of it.

I know, I know. What did I expect?

TM

Revenge
 

Sneak into his house and cover all of his toilets with saran wrap/cellophane. Do this when he is out drinking. No financial ruin, but urine bouncing all over the place and complete confusion is fairly funny.

It's obviously much more entertaining to personally witness this.


Or better yet, have someone give him The Standard Upper Decker: http://www.getunderground.com/underg...Article_ID=529 (spree: story about the Upper Decker)

Revenge
 

Please tell us what he did that's making you want to get all PJ on his ass.

TM

Stabbing people in the face
 

He/she said no, huh? I'm sowwy.

Revenge
 

So the plan (before you realized someone of that description was actually going to be there) was to watch him looking expectantly at every person who arrived and then giggle uncontrollably when the tall blond didn't show up?

Or were you hoping someone of that description would show up?

TM

Revenge
 

Isn't there always a tall blond in a red dress at a party? Where did you go to school, anyway?

Revenge
 

Well, by definition it's not a party until the tall blonde in the red dress shows up, so yes.

Revenge
 

And it's not over until I sing.

Revenge
 

Nothing much. I'm just really annoyed at the fact that he can't look me in the eye or acknowledge my presence.

I thought I was doing a good job about getting over this. The first month was rough, but after that everything was OK. After I saw the two of them for the first time last week, I was surprised at how well I handled it, until I had nightmares two nights in a row about him. Had another one last night.

I'm sure all my problems would be solved if I had sex with someone. I need to get laid. I wonder if that cute referee will be at my game tonight.......

Revenge
 

Shit, if it's going to be that kind of a party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.

Revenge
 

Yez. But isn't he usually wearing a carnation?

TM

Revenge
 

There's always a tall blond in red dress at every party. She's a party archetype.

It is also a truism that if you look good in red, and you wear it out, you are going to get hit on like you wouldn't believe. Red is like some kind of magnet. I'm not sure why this is.

Revenge
 

Well, yes (except for the giggling part). The girl showing up was just icing on the cake. It would have been enough just to see him feeling all self-important, waiting for his admirer to show up. I seem to remember that we had a phase 2 planned -- to let him know that no such person was going to show -- but the appearance of tall-blonde-in-the-red-dress obviated the need for our implementation of Phase II.

Revenge
 

Isn't that enough? I would think that this punk-ass behavior is a reward in itself.

Oh. Well, that explains it. I'm sure Less can help you with that small problem.

TM

Revenge
 

Sequels needs to hit the gym AND the self-tanning cream?

Revenge
 

Red makes sense, but I've heard from a group of women that wearing white pants seems to increase the amount of getting hit on as well. And that makes no sense.

Revenge
 

Translation: I never go to a party without my red dress.*

TM























* And carnation.