I Hate My Parents
 

"In Betty Smith's A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, set at the turn of the century, a father is sent off to the bar by the household women so he doesn't have to hear his wife's cries of pain."

But just try leaving your cell phone number with the maternity ward nurse and see the looks you get. And it was ten cent wings too.

I Hate My Parents
 

Are you kidding? I was absolutely traumatized.

I Hate My Parents
 

My recollection is that she had red hair. Beyond that, I really don't remember.

I Hate My Parents
 

Diet Coke. Keyboard.

Brava.

I Hate My Parents
 

Oh, crap. You have ruined my day.

I Hate My Parents
 

I am told that even though it wasn't customary back then, my dad was allowed in the delivery room because he was a physician on staff in that hospital. My mom says during her ungodly number of hours of labor, he'd check in, see how much progress had been made, and leave again to "go see patients." He left instructions with the delivery nurses to page him when it came closer to showtime. I think he was there when I was born, but my memory of the day is a little blurry.

ETA: It may be relevant to this story that when my dad did his ob/gyn rotation in med school, he had a 25% drop rate in the four deliveries he performed. He says newborns are a more slippery than you'd think.

I Hate My Parents
 

This is why the maternity ward should be stocked exclusively with male nurses:

"So how far along is she?"

"Look, Mr. Smith, she's pretty dilated. Could be an hour, could be half a day. You got some magazines?"

"I have a video camera. I want to memorialize this..."

"Whoa, whoa there Fellini... Look, the missus has some nice equipment. No doubt about it. But you don't want to see it in action like its going to be soon... You gotta cell #?"

"But I want to see my child being..."

"You remember when LT snapped Theisman's leg?"

"What? Well..."

"Ever seen Faces of Death?"

"What. Are. You. Talking. About!?"

"Look, buddy... Chuck and I got this under control. We'll call you when we see a head coming out. You go get a drink... Now what's that cell #?"

"555-453... Hey, is it safe for you to be writing that on your surgical glove?"

Bald exes.
 

Yes. It appears all my internet girlfriends have dumped me. I'm a peeved about it all, if the truth be told.

Bald exes.
 

How many internet girlfriends did you have?

I Hate My Parents
 

Punch "brava" into google. Are you sure "breast enhancement!" is what you meant to exclaim?

That system looks insanely painful and silly. "Brava works by literally sucking your breasts bigger." What technologist came up with that crap?

I Hate My Parents
 

So he could tell the chosen people from the ones who have to earn their way in.

Bald exes.
 

Never more than one or two at a time. It's not like I was a pastrami-flavored slut or anything.

I Hate My Parents
 

Remember what you told wonk a few days back about how he does the jokes 2 days after someone else did it better?

I Hate My Parents
 

I can speak authoritatively only for myself, but I suspect Gwink and dtb will mostly agree that I am mainly correct in saying that everyone has to earn his way in, cut or uncut.

In fact, some of the uncut ones have had an easier time of it, probably because of the accents.

I Hate My Parents
 

You are approaching the whiffing ability of Taxwonk himself. In fact, I don't want to get your hopes up to high, but with GGG gone we do need a new king of the whiff.