Mass-holes Invade Texas!
 

It is my opinion that it is okay to joke about the bride/groom so long as it is done in a charming way. 2 examples.

Several years ago, I had a roommate who's fiance was living in a different city completing his residency. They talked on the phone every night at bedtime and again first thing in the morning. At their wedding I said "I have had the pleasure of living with Bride since her first date with Groom. I have watched them fall in love and decide to get married. For the past year, every night, as I climbed into bed, I could hear them talking on the phone saying their last goodnights. And every morning, sure as the sun would rise, our phone would ring and it would be Groom calling to say good morning to Bride. I have wondered, oftentimes aloud to Bride, what on earth could have possibly changed in the 8 hours that you've been asleep that you have to talk again first thing in the morning? I still don't know. But I know they always find something to talk about in the morning. So, let's raise our glasses to Bride and Groom, to their continued happiness, and to the hope that they continue to find new things to talk about in the morning."

Second story.

I have a friend, we'll call him Groom. In law school, he walked past this impossibly hot girl (we'll call her Bride) and said to his friend (we'll call him Best Man) "Someday, man, I'm gonna fuck her." Best friend laughed.

Fast forward several years. To their wedding.

Best Man makes a toast. He tells the story of how, one day in law school Groom walked by Bride, an impossibly hot girl, and said to Best Man, "Dude, someday, I'm going to date her." He tells of how he, Best Man, laughed derisively at Groom. Best Man shrugs his shoulders and says "Guess you were right and I was wrong". And then he congratulated them whole heartledly and wished them much happiness. Drinking ensued.

Key West Cutie
 

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/graphics/art3/tatface.jpg

From the police report (for minor in possession):

"I took the red and white can labeled 'Budweiser,' saved a sample and the can and poured the rest of it out. The fluid in the can, based on my training and experience, was beer . . . . The clear yellow fluid and the can were placed into evidence."

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/tatface1.html

Key West Cutie
 

I hate to sound like Bilmore here, but what the fuck is up with that chick's face?!?

Key West Cutie
 

She initially said to the police, "I don't drink." I think an appropriate response would have been, "Then why do you have all those tattoos on your fucking face?"

Key West Cutie
 

Just try to imagine how her parents feel. Thanksgiving dinner must be fun. Sadly, her facial tattoos are not even meaningful or well done (a tough row to hoe anyway). That ppor human being, strapped with 18 and below year old decisions forever. I feel sick.

It's been a while
 

Obviously.

spookyfish you're a Millionaire!

Your personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types - your primary, or dominant sub-type, and your secondary sub-type. You are a Millionaire which means you are a Success / Thinker Your primary sub-type is defined by "Success" characteristics and your secondary sub-type is defined by "Thinker" characteristics.

That means you're very ambitious and personable, and you've got a great sense of humor. Chances are you care a lot about how you look. You're bursting with self-confidence, and people admire you for your achievements and determination.

How do we know all this? How do we know that behind that bold exterior you sometimes worry that you're not good enough? Or that you can be so critical of your work that it verges on self-destructive? How could we have divined that you aim to succeed — and you'll quickly crush anyone who stands in your way?

Watch out, motherfuckers. You've been warned.

Mass-holes Invade Texas!
 

Dude, its next to impossible to get through life married without having kids. Its a fact of nature that 90% of wives will make you have one or two, and you're a fool if you think you'll be the exception. Even if your wife says she doesn't want them at the outset, she'll change her tune someday. Hell, it just led to divorce for a friend of mine. I love the Mrs., and in order to keep her, we'll have to have kids, so I'll have a kid or two with her.

Kids are like a barrier to entry for most successful marriages because women are just wired to have them. Its not rational and you can't fight it. You just go with it and deal as best you can. Luckily, I have relatives around who'll enjoy watching whatever kid(s) I have, because I've no intention of having them destroy my social life.

Key West Cutie
 

As I believe I once posted in some internet lawyer chat board, when I was younger and drunker and going to bars to play pool more often, there was one fellow who frequented one of these bars, and who used to play pool a fair amount. Among his many tattoos was a large hemp leaf tattooed across his face. It displayed an admirable commitment to marijuana.

Key West Cutie
 

The picture I posted of Mel is starting to look good.

Key West Cutie
 

Never sit at a table on a humid day and read the Sunday comics when you're really tired.

Key West Cutie
 

Corrollary: Never have plastic surgery done with Silly Putty (tm).

Mass-holes Invade Texas!
 

Its all in the presenter and the delivery. If your best man is a fat Costanza-esque single guy who's opener is "Well, at Bill's bachelor party..." everyone will be grossed out. You have to use double entendres sparingly and subtly, if at all. And don't go on for more than four minutes. Make your point, get two solid laughs and sit down. Oh, and don't talk about dumb male bonding shit or make allusions to use of hookers. And bag the sappy shit. No one wants to hear how your big brother has always been your hero. Confess your forbidden love for him in private if you must. And don't ramble about what a huge Rangers or Bruce Springsteen fan the groom is. If his most noticeable characteristic is that he's a rabid fan of [insert rock group/sports franchise here], he's dull, and you shouldn't emphasize his dullness. End with a congratulation for the bride and polite thanks to her folks for paying.

Mass-holes Invade Texas!
 

Yep, all those women. Damn them for wanting to perpetuate the species. Must be some sort of defect.

Mass-holes Invade Texas!
 

And avoid repeating yourself.

Mass-holes Invade Texas!
 

Hey, the lines are already long enough at 7-11 and traffic's a bitch everywhere.