Parody Parody
 

Is that you Mom?

Parody Parody
 

First, break up with her. In person, immediately upon seeing her, in less than five minutes. Do not belabor the point, do not have breakup sex, do not agree to some temporary time out wimp-ass slippery slope back into the boring relationship arrangement.

Next, recognize that she may need some distance before she drops back into your life, if she does at all. If you want to call her to check up on how she's doing, don't do it. She might need to think you are an asshole for a while in order to get over the breakup. Later, when she is over it (assuming she is not over you already) she will have a more balanced view of you and may very well end up being your friend. But if she is smitten with you, be prepared to be the village asshole for approximately half the length of the relationship.

If you sleep with her sister/brother/best friend (dog?) you will be an asshole for life. If you break up with her, you will only be an asshole until she gets over it.

Unless, you really are an asshole, then forget all of what I just said.

AM(learned the hard way that not breaking up with someone made me an asshole for life)M

Parody Parody
 

Bad Monkey!

Parody Parody
 

I don't know why you think "let her break up." equals acting "like such an asshole". I mean, I want her to get to the point where its what she wants to do. Then, she gets what she wants. And I get what I want. Everybody is happy.

Should I wait awhile to make sure she isn't pregnant?

Hello

Parody Parody
 

Bitch please.

Edited to add that "a while" is two words, not one.

Parody Parody
 

But did I get that quote thing right?

Hello


Oh yeah, motherfucka why didn't you answer?


Edited to add that the dictionar(ies) at dictionary.com have three entries for "awhile". Are you sure about that thing you were saying?

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=awhile

Uhm, dictionary definition with bestiality pictures.

Parody Parody
 

Not even close.
I wash my hands of you. And you should wash out that dirty mouth.

I love fall
 

You have obviously never worn Lucchese (pronounced "Loo-casey") boots.

I have some of your preferred riding boots but find them less than fashionable in the foothills out here and not nearly as comfortable.

Cowboy boots are all about context. Don't wear them to the office, don't wear them to bars, do wear them outside with appropriately weathered, appropriately snug jeans and a loosely buttoned western shirt. Sans hat, unless you want to look like a dude. Except if you are a professional cowboy, which I am not.

And never, ever tuck your jeans in them. That just screams "dork".

PLF?
 

Is he gone yet?

Jesus H. Christ, I sure as hell hope so. What a frickin' bore already.

By the by, all this PLF retiring crap inspired me to parody a song and in honour of Billmore's College Dayz I picked the Mamas & the Papas California Dreamin'. All apologies to Mama Cass. And the ham sammich.


Without further adieu:

PLF Dreamin’

All the wit is gone, his posts fade to grey
He needs to take a hike and go far away
We’d be entertained, if it was back in the day
PLF Dreamin’, but he’s got nuthin’ to say

Surfed in to Infirm, to reminisce today
Well I dropped down to my knees, his work was oh so fey
You know that PLF’s work’s grown old
While I’m still making hay
PLF Dreamin’, but he’s got nuthin’ to say

All the wit is gone, his posts fade to grey
He needs to take a hike and go far away
If Paigow didn’t IM him, he woulda left today
PLF Dreamin’, but he’s got nuthin’ to say

PLF Dreamin’, but he’s got nuthin’ to say

PLF Dreamin’, but he’s got nuthin’ to say

Parody Parody
 

Take her somewhere that's not particularly date-y. (If you were in Houston, I'd suggest that new Aquarium place downtown, with a seat next to the shark tank.) Someplace more casual (like the dreaded coffee house) is probably best, especially if quick getaways are needed. It'd be nice if it were near her house, so she can get home quickly.

Order, let her order. Make small talk about the Cubs, who appear to be winning big time right now. Sit down in a nice quiet booth with your tripple lattes, and don't beat around the bush.

Do a varient of this sort of speech, but ONLY IF IT IS TRUE.

"Honey, we've been dating for _____ (days, weeks, months years). I think that you're a great person, and I'm glad that we've been going out.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about a lot of stuff, though. And I'm not sure exactly how we fit together anymore. I think that if we continue dating, we'll end up in a place that I don't think either one of us wants to be.

"I don't think that this is working, and I don't think it is fair to either of us to keep on going. ("I don't think it's fair to either of us" replaces the time honored "It's not you, it's me.") I know that this isn't exactly what I want right now, at this point in my life, especially with _____ (other major thing going on in your life that takes up a lot of time and energy, please try to avoid it being work, but if there's nothing else, use work) going on right now.

"I don't want to hurt you, and I do care a lot about you. I just don't see a future for us, and I'm not happy to just tread water here with you until something better comes along. That's not fair to you, and it's not fair to me. (reiterate the not fair thing, but make it a mutual thing). I think it's best that we move on. That's what I want."

(You can throw in something about how you know yourself, and you think that you'll hurt her badly if you keep on going in the relationship, and that it's better do break off now than later)

Wait for some sort of response...

Later on in the conversation, assuming you do not have cappuccino foam all over your face.

"I totally understand if you don't want to talk to me or if you don't want to see me, but you are important to me, and when you've had some time to process this, and if you're ok with it later, I'd like to remain some part of your life."

I cannot emphasize how much the "it's not fair to either of us" helps to minimize the badguyness.

Let her call the shots after telling her it's over. Do not leave any room for doubt about your decision so she can talk you out of it. Do not spend too much time listing all the good times in order to minimize the pain; that will come back to haunt you. She has the right to make accusations that are unfair (to a degree); don't argue the details, especially if they're relatively minor. Take her home if she asks for it, but don't spend too much time with her. Have the breakup sex before you break up with her. A lot cleaner that way. Wait a few weeks before initiating any "I'm not sleeping with anyone, and you're not sleeping with anyone..." conversations.

Parody Parody
 

Excellent advice. Thanks to you and whats-his-name before. Not sure why the womens always say to be brutally mean when they know exactly how they'd feel if someone did it to them.

Anyway, thanks. A coffeehouse (but not my regular Starbucks!) sounds like a great idea for a few of them lines.

Hello

Not Amused by Poll! Poll
 

Honestly, it's really all the effort I was willing to put in to your vapid display of un-asked-for hostility.

Got a problem with me? Be direct.

Bitch.

Parody Parody
 

http://www.angelfire.com/ca3/seinfel...es/george2.jpg

I believe the term is "Menage a Trois".

Get thee to a custom tailor. If you have some suits that fit you well, just take them to a tailor and tell em to make similar ones with different fabric patterns/weight, and change the style (e.g., number of buttons, type of lapel). Also, you can try buying a suit that you like but doesn't fit exactly, take it to a tailor, and tell em to produce a version of it with your body measurements -- after your tailor is done taking notes and measurements on the design, simply return the suit.

My tailor produces both men's and women's suits and offers the same catalog of fabrics for each and charges the same price-per-quantity of fabric used -- for some reason I found it difficult to find good wool suits for women, and when I did, the prices were outrageous (e.g., Paul Stuart).

Fashion Poll Update.
 

Originally posted by Pretty Little Flower

Repeated classic posts, nothing left to prove, still rolling like a motherfucker, and you'd disappear? As if. Where else can you get the adulation of the masses.

One designer? Hah. Suits, faconnable; outerwear, zegna; shoes, santoni.