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In a loving relationship.

Ew. did I just say that?

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How can you love someone who never makes you come? In a romantic way. Given that you have had no problems with the whole coming thing in other relationships.

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Assuming the loving part, and assuming you've gone a few rounds, you start instruction.

Tell him you want to try something new and give him step by step instructions on what to do. Detailed. Move his hands, fingers, cock, whatever if you have to to get everything in the right place. Demonstrate with your vibrator if he looks like he needs a visual aid. Then fucking go absolutely bananas when he gets it right. Insist in each subsequent session that you couldn't have it any other way and say something about how you've gone to another level in the relationship.

After a few times with the "new" way, if he can't learn how to do it right by himself you're going to have to throw him back.

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Ack. I've seen a "T" forest firsthand. It was frightening. When I was about 12. I used to have a newspaper route which covered three apartment complexes near my home. It wasn't a bad job for a kid, except that back in the day, we used to have to try to collect what the customers owed us, which usually meant that you had to get up really early on a Saturday to knock on doors, otherwise you would never catch anyone at home. Now this wasn't so bad, when, on certain warm summer days, the door would be answered by some young hottie in a bikini who was ready to go and spend her day at the pool. But one day. . .

I knock on this door and this old woman in her 70's answers the door in a housecoat which, much to my horror, she neglected to close completely. As she opens the door, I find myself about eye-level with these two enormous drooping cannonballs contained in an oversized cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die brassiere, from the top of which, I swear to God, is sprouting this huge grey afro. She invites me to step inside while she went to get her pocketbook, and I politely refused. I spent the remainder of the time staring at the front porch step, until she came back with my money, and I got the hell out of there as fast as I could.

All these years later, I still cannot rid my mind of that image.

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What a pain in the ass (not literally). Are there really otherwise worthwhile guys who cannot read body language?

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If I didn't know better, I'd say this sounds like an adaptation from instructions on house training the Replaced Dog.

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What if he is a mute, I mean non-talker, in the sack?

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Positive reinforcement is key.

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Demonstrate with deed instead of word, then.

Or scrap everything I said before and just tie him down and have your way with him.

Namaste, nudes!
 

Downward dog. Yuck.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cg...DG9FCSNDS1.DTL

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Mmmm, bacon! Bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon!!!!

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Yikes. I can't imagine saying that.


When did you get an electric toothbrush?

Do you want Ice Cream with your Bacon?
 

Enough with the cravings already.

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For some reason as I was reading this I got the horrible image of someone (not me, but maybe Not Me) trying to teach Spanky how to make a woman come. Can you imagine the inane questions?

Why do you think my technique doesn't work?
But I read in a book that this was the way to do it.
Are you sure this isn't some sort of problem with the way your body works?
What difference could added pressure there possibly make?
Japanese women never had a problem with my technique.
Do you think that cultural differences in the United States have set men here up for failure in the bedroom?
What do you mean "go faster"? Faster how?
Could you explain that to me again?
Clitoris?!? What is that?
Whether or not the woman comes is immaterial to procreation, isn't it?

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Is this like thinking you're lucky for being the world's tallest midget?

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Can you imagine saying "are you going to come for me?"

I have had it said to me, by at least two of my serious boyfriends. I still don't know how to politely say "your shaft wasnt rubbing me consistently, even with my ass on the big pillow".

and, Huh?

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Or like this guy who said "Come on, baby" over and over again, and then whacked my ass. Yeah, that'll do it.

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Spanky is Lester's companion right? A night out with them must be all spit n quizzin'.

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Good lord. How big is your bed?*

http://www.homevisions.com/lycosimages/34662_f.jpg

TM

*(And by "bed," I mean "ass.")

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I see I still capture your imagination. Carry on.

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We usually know when you're in the mood to eventually come: you just roll us over onto our backs, jump on and do whatever you like. We usually have no problem with this.

Electric toothbrush. In the bathroom. With the door closed.

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Works for NYD, I'm just saying.

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Dunno. Ask Norma Cassidy.

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Woman on top doesn't do it for me.

Why when they make such great vibrators, like the Rabbit and when most men like to watch?

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Okay, I'll play along. How are your breasts and your vagina since giving birth?

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Not happy.

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You did the nasty with the real Spank Myasski?

Announcement
 

Desired comedic effect has been acheived.

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I should be nicer to the people I fuck. They are clearly treasures.

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Nah. Not really. It was a throw away line that I had to include once I decided to clarify that I have no sexual fantasies including Spanky, but I'm sure you already know that. Clever girl that you are.

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So you have no sexual fantasies including any that Spanky stars in or you have no sexual fantasies that Spanky stars in?

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That's stupid. Unless you're sb, who would love it for obvious reasons.

The trick with ass-smacking is the caress and the anticipation. Running your fingers very lightly over the general area that will be/has been smacked makes for increased excitement (especially when it's red and a little welted). First you lightly graze the ass with your fingers, just kind of caressing for awhile. Then you stop touching altogether before the smack. I've found that varying the amount of time between smacks, when you're not caressing seems to work best. Then, as soon as that hand gets pulled back, they anticipate being smacked. If they can't tell when it's going to happen, they get a little wild -- sometimes trying to make you smack them. You must resist of course. Otherwise, you lose that anticipation.

TM

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Jesus fucking Christ will the fucking freak posts from this guy never stop?

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My ex-bf walked in on me and the "come on baby" guy. That was fun. (we had broken up but still lived together, and I brought men home thinking he would be at work)

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You fucked Lumberg?

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Or in my case, you marry him.

Jeez, was that stupid.

Namaste, fats!
 

Every time I see the commercial, I start singing to myself:

Knock, knock, knock, who's that? It's Momma, son
Lookin' for the bitch who took the money and run
Now the daylight's gone and there's no more fun
And who's the fuckin' bitch who stole all the heroin?
Heroin, heroin, it's all gone
Smoked it all up, and now you got none


str(it's a wicked world that we live in . . . )8

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You know how your eyes tend to adjust to the dark after a while? Flipping the lightswitch can be startling experience.

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In my experience that's not usually true. Usually it's the "legs are going higher up and spreading further apart" move that says "put your arms under my knees and pin me down and fuck the hell out of me while holding my wrists down so I can't move at all until we both come.

Usually works pretty damn good. At least, it did back when I was in the game.

Why do most women have to be encouraged to get on top of me? Is it a laziness issue?

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Mmmm, body language reading.

Uh, does this not work with your wife? Or is the no sex after marriage thing true for you?