You are not answering the question.
 

This explains a lot.

You are not answering the question.
 

You know you love me. Admit it.

You are not answering the question.
 

The puddle looks like a clown. It happens on your 40th birthday, while you sleep. It leaves a permanent stain on your mattress. The stain, which once again, looks like a clown, glows in the dark and is bright enough to show through sheets and blankets.

There is also a little known law that prohibits men between the ages of 40 and 65 from purchasing a new mattress. Enjoy your 25 years with the glow-in-the-dark clown.

You are not answering the question.
 

I bet you're really sad you dumped me now.

The Glory Days (no, not Penske's glory hole)
 

Thurgreed and I sent your bio in as a joke. they included it? i thought our cruelty would be unrecognized and innocent. Now I feel bad, I think.

Commercial Interruption
 

Something for the cute cat picture lovers:
http://catsinsinks.com/ http://catsinsinks.com/images/cats/42b7420367ad0.jpg

Commercial Interruption
 

One of those cats looks like Porkchop.

http://catsinsinks.com/images/cats/428c834c78e2a.jpg

You are not answering the question.
 

Neither have I. In person. I've seen pictures. They're kind of scary.

You are not answering the question.
 

You have a dark mean streak.
Not that I'm standing up for Balt or anything, because that's not my place. I'm just saying.

You are not answering the question.
 

They're nothing compared to man-eating vaginas.

Commercial Interruption
 

http://catsinsinks.com/images/cats/42905c21aaa8a.jpg
This looks like my (younger) cat.

Commercial Interruption
 

Very cute cats, but if I hadn't cleaned the faucet handles on my bathroom sink for what looks like a dozen years, I'm not sure I'd be posting such a picture on the internet.

Commercial Interruption
 

Did you dye your hair?

Commercial Interruption
 

Only you would notice the faucet handles and not the cute kitties. But now that you mention it...

There seems to be bigger issues with that sink than the handles. Perhaps the basin? Is it missing?

Commercial Interruption
 

Yes. And my whiskers (it's extra). And I got extensions on my tail fur. It's my new LA look. I also look dumber than the average cat now -- something about the eyes.

Ms. Stewart, Chains Cast Off
 

I've not paid much attention to Martha Stewart since the celebrated end of her incarceration, but I've now discovered that she's bringing her talents to the cesspool of American television known as reality TV.

In derivative fashion, Martha will be hosting her own Apprentice-style show. Controversy swirled, apparently, about what her trademark line will be when she fires some poor schlub for his/her inability to construct a suitable demi-glaze using only cane sugar and a pistle.

She's settled on "You just don't fit in." Utilitarian, to be sure, but depressingly unimaginative. I much preferred the Defamer's vote for "Bite the doily!"

Gattigap

Ms. Stewart, Chains Cast Off
 

This seems more marginalizing/belittling than "You're fired!" Like being shunned in an Amish community.

The Glory Days (no, not Penske's glory hole)
 

You did? I sent in yours! You didn't get in? Now I feel bad.

Commercial Interruption
 

I have a picture of my previous cat, as an adorable kitten, in the bathroom sink. I'll be sure to photoshop any dirt off the sink before I submit it to the site.

Ms. Stewart, Chains Cast Off
 

Your prole roots are showing. Among Martha's circle, "You just don't fit in" is akin to telling someone that you can no longer bear the sight of their hunchback. The only crueler dismissal would be "You're just not our kind, dear."

The Glory Days (no, not Penske's glory hole)
 

Did you mention Harvard/Harvard and that I'm 6-11? That shit should have done it. Wait. Did you use spell check?

Ms. Stewart, Chains Cast Off
 

I suppose. Perhaps the Stewart vehicle will incorporate a walk of shame for losing contestants, where as they exit they are pelted by the remaining players with handmade macrame beads.

Ms. Stewart, Chains Cast Off
 

That was a rather cruel aside there Taxwonk. And I'm sure you'll all be happy to know that Fringey did have her hunchback surgically fixed in Spring 2016. Nowadays you can really only tell anything is wrong when a thunderstorm comes in.

edit: thank you nfh. I think it may be time for reading glasses!

Rape deterrent
 

KLEINMOND, South Africa - A South African inventor unveiled a new anti-rape female condom on Wednesday that hooks onto an attacker’s penis and aims to cut one of the highest rates of sexual assault in the world.

“Nothing has ever been done to help a woman so that she does not get raped and I thought it was high time,” Sonette Ehlers, 57, said of the "rapex," a device worn like a tampon that has sparked controversy in a country used to daily reports of violent crime.

Police statistics show more than 50,000 rapes are reported every year, while experts say the real figure could be four times that as they say most rapes of acquaintances or children are never reported.

Ehlers said the “rapex” hooks onto the rapist’s skin, allowing the victim time to escape and helping to identify perpetrators.

“He will obviously be too pre-occupied at this stage,” Ehlers told reporters in Kleinmond, a small village about 60 miles east of Cape Town. “I promise you he is going to be too sore. He will go straight to hospital.”

The device, made of latex and held firm by shafts of sharp barbs, can only be removed from the man through surgery which will alert hospital staff, and ultimately, the police, she said.

Ehlers, who showed off a prototype on Wednesday, said women had tried it for comfort and it had been tested on a plastic male model but not yet on a live man.

Right. Not many volunteers for that I suppose. I also assume it may increase the likelihood of another kind of rape.

Commercial Interruption
 

Exactly. How hard is that?

The Glory Days (no, not Penske's glory hole)
 

I hand-wrote it in purple crayon so it would stick out among the others.

Ms. Stewart, Chains Cast Off
 

Well, unless she lives to be 150, having the hump removed at the ripe old age of 140 just doesn't seem to be worth it.

Ms. Stewart, Chains Cast Off
 

Since my penis melted and I've lost all my internet girlfriends, I've been feeling particularly cruel. At least the clown still loves me. (Hi Balt!)

Rape deterrent
 

And rapists regularly wait for their victims to put in their female condom?

Man-trapping vagina, indeed, though.

You are not answering the question.
 

An uncircumcised one looks like the one on classical statues (those heathens). Come to think of it, that's a mistake on David, then isn't it?

Rape deterrent
 

Vagina dentata, yes.

I think you are supposed to put it in before you go out and just leave it in there.

Rape deterrent
 

Won't that make it more likely guys won't try and pick up drunk, and potentially forgetful, girls?

Penises
 

Again, overheardinnewyork.com is prescient:

Hipster chick #1: ...So I was giving this guy a handjob and he wasn't circumcised...it was so bizarre looking.
Hipster chick #2: I know, isn't it so weird? I'm all like, "What am I supposed to do with that thing at the top? Touch it, play with it, leave it alone?"

--5th & A

Rape deterrent
 

Always, or just for those outings to the Date Rape Pub?

ETA: one has to love those wacky south africans' overly aggressive approach to all crimes.

link to video of fire-breathing car to ward off carjackers

Weird
 

Can allergies cause shortness of breath, or am I early on the litigation attorney train to heart problems?

Rape deterrent
 

I had this idea!!! I just didn't have the technology to put together a prototype myself. Damn.

Weird
 

Maybe you're pregnant!

But more likely it's stress.

Weird
 

Or he's going to die.

Or too much blow.

Rape deterrent
 

Who needs technology? I just rip into the nuts with my teeth!

Weird
 

I've had this problem all week, because I am trying to quit my job. Today everything is settled and my breathing has become a lot better. It could be anxiety.