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Consider it added. And also make it a crime to place the scented perfume ads into magazines.

Anything else?

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Sometimes you are so unintentionally funny....

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If the bad breath smell in the elevator is a permanent thing, I may start wearing clouds of perfume as a protective measure.

So there.

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My driver's-ed instructor was also my 9th-grade industrial arts teacher. He would blatantly stare at shapely 14-yr old girls' butts and drop the f-bomb constantly. I don't know how he got away with it, but I do know that he hated my bookshelf.

Anyway, on the road during driver's-ed, I came upon a kid riding his bike on the right side of a narrow street while a car simultaneously approached in the left lane. I slowed to almost a complete stop b/c I was very close to either hitting the car or the kid on the bike. After, the instructor said this: "if it comes down to either hitting the car or the kid on the bike, hit the kid. You could get hurt if you hit the car."

I have no idea if he was serious.

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Oh my god. We are like 7 or 8 years apart, but we appear to have gone to the same school and had the same teacher. But mine also stared at tits, called all the girls "Lay-deees" in an affected manner and always said stuff like "I don't know why they let you lay-dees on the road anyway". But he liked my bookshelf.

Some of his wisdom which I remember:

1. Pay for your car in cash
2. Always take a man with you to buy a car
3. (this is what makes me think Coltrane and I shared a teacher) - hit the kid on the bike

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I need to step in. We are now making jokes about braille at drive-thrus. In the last ten years alone, I have been forwarded approximately 17,000 e-mails containing strings of "funny" one liners and other humorous ponderings, often related to amusing takes on the differences between the genders. These e-mails are littered with emoticons, and usually contain some message in the subject line foreshadowing the hilarity I am going to encounter in the e-mail itself. Every single one of these e-mails has had some variation on the "Did you ever wonder why they have braille at drive-thru ATMs/braille menus available at the druve-thru?" gag. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Spookyfish, I do not mean to pick on you, but we really need to pick up our game here.

More fun with Asshole
 

The few of you not still trying to recover from 13 Mojitos over the weekend may recall the saga of "Asshole," the incompetent partner who is a big asshole. We finally signed his stupid transaction today. (Interestingly, in an occurence I have NEVER seen in my few/many years of practice, he actually convinced the client to execute some delegation of authority documents so that he could sign the transaction. Like they couldn't just trade signature pages by fax like everybody else does. What an arrogant fucker! ASSHOLE!)

Anyway, he was very gracious and sweet to me about getting everything done, so the ethics partners at my firm must be leaving him alone. As "thanks for all [my] hard work," he gave me two tickets to Rent. Which is a nice gesture. I have actually never seen it, and I was looking forward to it. Until, I realized, and almost fell down laughing when I did, that the tickets are in fucking ATLANTA. ASSHOLE!

I have nothing against Atlanta, but I am not planning to go there for a weekend just to see Rent. I can't believe the gall of this fucker to give me tickets for an event in a different fucking city. ASSHOLE!

ASSHOLE!

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My driver's ed teacher, similar in essential respects to those described above, liked to tell us about his favorite cheap eats -- all you can eat buffets and happy hours at drinking establishments on state highways in nearby towns. Recently he was arrested for statutory rape. But I don't know whether he liked my bookshelf because I don't know what that means.

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Ooh, big ones, huh? Nice!

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Bookshelf = TITS

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Yes, massive. Unfortunately they didn't pop out until I was 18 so my shop teacher missed out.

Ty, "liking my bookshelf" means that he literally liked my bookshelf that I made in his shop class (not his drivers ed class). The shelves were nice and level and they supported the weight of books, etc.

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Is that what he called them?


ETA: Damn you ABBA! Damn you to hell!

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Ah, yes. Can you clear up that whole Calvin thing for me now?

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I am torn between "board motto" and "cite please"

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But seriously, why do they call it a "driveway" when you park on it and a "parkway" when you drive on it?