McSweeney's is pubishing a "Future Dictionary of America," with over 200 contributors making up definitions. They've just sent out a "preorder this book" e-mail with a few of the definitions:
No "There" There Kid, the [noh thayr thayr' kid] n. an honorific position involving one sixth-grader chosen from a national competition whose responsibility entails the public monitoring of all significant press conferences of major figures in a governing American administration. The sixth-grader, seated unobtrusively beside the politician's podium, is responsible for ringing an electronic bell when, in his or her estimation, a question asked has been entirely left unanswered. The politician speaking is then given the opportunity to try again. If, in the No "There" There Kid's estimation, the question still has been entirely left unanswered, he or she rings a second bell, at which time the original questioner is allowed a redirect: i.e.,
"What I meant for you to answer, sir, was not why you and Vice President X were testifying before the commission, but why you felt the need to testify before the commission together." The politician is then given a third opportunity to respond. If, in the No "There" There Kid's estimation, this third attempt also leaves the question entirely unanswered, he or she sounds a buzzer, and a graphic above the politician's head is changed to read "Direct Questions Evaded: 1." And so on.
— JIM SHEPARD
Hell's Librarians [helz liybrayr'-eeanz] n. early-21st-century organization of librarians who refused, on principle, to comply with the long-since-repealed Patriot Act. These librarians distinguished themselves by obsfucating library records to prevent federal officials from discerning patrons' reading patterns. Over time, Hell's Librarians eschewed the typically understated garb favored by their profession and started wearing more leather jackets, and even chaps in some instances.
— RYAN BOUDINOT
Wappletism [wah'-pul-tihz-um] n. after Puerto Rico and Kamchatka achieved statehood in 2012, Wappletists insisted on a return to a round-numbered (50 states) Union to be achieved through the settling of the differences and proposed reconciliation of the estranged northern and southern regions of the Dakotas and Carolinas.
— D.C. BERMAN
[/b]Garden for Disappointed Politicians, the[/b]
n. named after the sentiment of founding father Alexander Hamilton, who retreated to his New York estate, Hamilton Grange, to tinker agriculturally, concluding that a garden is a useful "refuge" for "a disappointed politician." The Garden for Disappointed Politicians was established as a public trust and public service. Before the Garden was founded, thwarted candidates for national office—dashed presidents, would-be congressmen who never were—filled the void of democratic rejection mostly by pursuing unhelpful, unproductive pastimes. These men and women, unable to get cracking on their platforms, plans, contracts, visions and/or vision "things," spent the months and years after losing stewing; hogging the tee times normally available to hard-working American golfers; tramping around the lecture circuit for obscene fees; and engaging in what might be colloquially referred to as "yakking," especially after the advent of 24-hour cable television news. The Garden for Disappointed Politicians offers political losers the opportunity to do something useful and contemplative; to quietly dirty their fingernails growing organic produce and happy things like sunflowers. The Garden is situated "outside the Beltway"—way outside—in Portland, Oregon, where, thankfully, nothing ever happens except that bicycles are ridden, used books are browsed, and umbrellas are opened, though jauntily so. Once a month, each gardener lovingly assembles a box of seasonal produce garnished with a bow-tied bouquet and ships it to his or her frazzled former opponent, who, buried in the demands and worries of governance is malnourished and has come to measure time not in the four seasons enjoyed by their fellow earthlings but as one of two things—"in session" or "recess." The boxes usually contain notes of neighborly encouragement such as "Good luck with the National Parks appropriations" or "It's raining again, which is good for the corn." While studies indicate that approximately half the gardeners return to campaign for office again, they do so with a peaceful sense of accomplishment, having fed themselves and their fellow citizens. Incidentally, they have also acquired a newfound understanding of the composting process and thus its metaphorical applications on Capitol Hill.
— SARAH VOWELL
marriage [mayr'-idj] n. a beautiful constraint necessitating the birth and renewal of happiness, often easy to undertake and difficult to unmake, traditionally employed by the community as a celebration of perilous desires, and as a legal device for the consolidation of property and the selective disbursement of what in former eras were referred to as individual rights and privileges, marriage may serve also to guarantee the community against the economic burdens associated with feeding, clothing, housing, educating, and punishing whichever children may be regarded as unwanted, many of whom can be found in larger cities, where, in pairs, they stand hopefully waiting in long lines to receive allotments from our dwindling national supply of love.
— DONALD ANTRIM
They say that they've got over 1000 definitions, but are looking for more, so they're having a contest for their readers to come up with some more:
- T H E C O N T E S T :
There are almost a thousand definitions in the Future Dictionary of America, which may seem like a lot, but the wild thing about the future is this: no one knows what's gonna happen! That's why they call it "the future"! And so we are asking you to create some of your own. Please send your definition, pasted in the body of your email, to: definitions@mcsweeneys.net. The contest will go on for about a month or so, at which point our team of definition-pickers will choose five favorites. These five winners will each receive a copy of the Future Dictionary of America, and we will post their definitions online, along with some others that catch our fancy. The 97th definition we receive will also receive a book, though that book will not be the Future Dictionary of America.
Note: The proceeds from this whole endeavor will be going to "100% of the proceeds from this book will go directly to progressive organizations who are devoted to expressing their outrage over the Bush Administration's assault on free speech, overtime, drinking water, truth, the rule of law, humility, the separation of Church and State, a woman's right to choose, clean air, and every other good idea this country has ever had."
