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[Replaced_Texan]

Official Democratic National Convention Schedule

6:00 pm — Opening flag burning ceremony (lighter courtesy of Al Franken)
6:01 pm — Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton
6:30 pm — Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.
6:55 pm — Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:00 pm — Tribute theme to France.
7:10 pm — Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.
7:25 pm — Tribute theme to Germany.
7:45 pm — Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)
8:25 pm — Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:30 pm — Terrorist appeasement workshop.
9:00 pm — Gay marriage ceremony, officiated by Rosie O'Donnell

9:30 pm — Intermission

10:00 pm — Posting of the Iraqi colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins.
10:10 pm — Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.
10:20 pm — Susan Sarandon presented with a Life-time Achievement award for anti-American rhetoric (medal presented by a tearful Michael Stipe)
10:30 pm — Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L.
10:40 pm — Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:50 pm — Pledge of allegiance to the United Nations
11:00 pm — Group oath to uphold the Bill of Rights (except for the 2nd and 9th Amendments, per the wishes of the ACLU, and portions of the 1st Amendment per the wishes of Tipper Gore)
11:15 pm — Maximizing Welfare workshop
11:30 pm — 'Free Saddam' pep rally
11:59 pm — Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:00 am — Nomination of democratic candidate
12:01 am — Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:02 am — Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:03 am — Ted Kennedy proposes a toast


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Official Republican National Convention Schedule

6:00 pm — Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 pm — Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 pm — Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd and 9th amendments)
6:45 pm — Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 pm — Seminar #1: Getting your Kid a Military Deferment (presented by Donald Rumsfeld)
7:30 pm — First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 pm — Serving of Freedom Fries
7:40 pm — EPA Address #1: "Mercury, it's what's for dinner"
8:00 pm — Vote on which country(s) to invade next
8:10 pm — Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 pm — John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos are after your children"
8:30 pm — Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 pm — Seminar #2: Corporations—The Government of the Future
9:00 pm — Condi Rice and Collin Powell tap dance the Shim-Sham Shimmy
9:05 pm — Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 pm — EPA Address #2: Trees—The Real Cause of Forest Fires

9:30 pm — Break for secret meetings

10:00 pm — Second prayer led by Rev. Billy Graham
10:30 pm — Anne Coulter lecture: How Michael Moore is Perverting the 1st Amendment
10:35 pm — The Bush daughters make public service announcement urging teenagers to "Just Say No".
10:40 pm — Posthumous awarding of Lifetime Achievement Award in Bigotry and Hypocrisy to Strom Thurmond.
10:45 pm — Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:45:15 pm — Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 pm — Seminar #3: Education—A Drain on our Nation's Economy.
11:10 pm — Hilary Clinton Piñata unveiled
11:20 pm — John Ashcroft vows to replace Bill of Rights with the Ten Commandments
11:30 pm — Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 pm — Blame Bill Clinton (for everything)
11:40 pm — Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 pm — Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
11: 55 pm — Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

from Urban Grounds