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[Mister_Ruysbroeck]

OK, so I decided on a story I can tell about one of the pro se plaintiffs I've dealt with. I may or may not have changed some of the names and/or facts to protect the innocent and to protect myself from getting in trouble. At any rate...

So, I get this new file on my desk. It's a commercial property suit. Seems like landlord locked out tennant and now tennant is pissed. I'll call tennant Pro Se Pete and landlord dipshit. Pete was running an auto parts store on dipshit's property, but got kicked out for not paying his rent for nearly 4 months.

Pro se Pete talks to a few lawyers, and none of them will take his case (because, in point of fact, dipshit managed to get some advice from a lawyer before doing the lock out and managed to comply with the terms of the lease and the law when he did it). So, they guy files his own complaint alleging defamation, wrongful eviction, etc. etc.

Well, the first thing I do is call up dipshit to get his side of the story. Turns out dipshit is very emotional about the whole deal. Small community, everyone's talking and all that. He starts going on and on about how he kicked Pro Se Pete out because he hadn't been able to pay the rent since his wife left him and that dipshit had tried to accomodate Pete in a number of different ways, but it didn't work. He then speculates that Pro Se Pete wasn't able to make the payments because his wife was getting a lot of spousal maintenance and also because he suspects that Pete is now on drugs and doing a lot of gambling [this is why I call him dipshit - b/c he's probably been slandering pete all over town].

I can see already that this case is going to be a mess.

Next thing I do is call up Pete. I wanna see if there's some way to get this mess cleaned up with little cost. So, I call him and explain who I am and right afterwards he says "Who the fuck are you again and why the fuck should I be talking to you?" OK, so I explain it again and he launches into a bumbling rant (I suspect he was drunk) about how dipshit has ruined his life and he wants to "make him pay." The whole conversation is like a huge crescendo until he finally blurts out "I JUST WISH THAT MOTHERFUCKER WOULD DIE!"

Well, I try to get him calmed down. Tell him I understand he's upset and that what I really want to do is try to resolve the matter. I ask him if there is anything type of settlement he'd be interested in. He tells me "Yeah, pay me a million and I'll drop the suit." I refrain from laughing and tell him I will have to think about that and I end the call.

So, realizing the case has no chance of settling for a reasonable amount (I'm thinking 10K or less - cost of defense type thing), I get on the horn and hire local counsel to draft up an appearance, pro hoc vice motion, and motion to dismiss (for various reasons).

After Pro Se Pete receives the filings, he calls me. The conversations goes something like this:

Me: MR. (my standard greeting)

Pete: Is this MR?

Me: Um, yes it is. Who is this?

Pete: This is Pro Se Pete. You're a fucking cocksucker, you know that?

Me: I'm sorry you feel that way.

Pete: Bullshit, you asshole. [I'm tempted to turn on my recorder at this point for the sake of humor, but I don't want to get sued for an illegal wiretap]. I thought we were going to make a deal. What the fuck is this motion to dimiss shit?

Me: Well, Pete, I told you I was going to consider your demand and I did. It is so far out of the range of reasonable that I decided it was best to just litigate the case. I'm just not seeing how you expect to get a million dollars out of a case where the landlord complied with the law and the lease and you, in fact, owe him 40K in back rent.

Pete: Fuck you. That cocksucker dipshit has been spreading rumors about me all over town [probably true] and has ruined my life. I am going to take every last cent that fucker has. I'll see you in court. <click>

So, a month or so goes by and I fly down for the hearing on the motion to dimiss. Pete is there in his best clothes, i.e. his oil-stained Napa Shirt and dirty dark blue slacks. Dipshit, thankfully, is actually wearing a suit, but I'm kind of pissed that he's there, because this thing has disaster written all over it.

So, the judge hears arguments. We go first. Oh yeah, Pete never filed a response, of course. The court asks Pete if he has anything to say (big mistake) and he launches into another tirade. After about 10 minutes of ranting, the court cuts him off and gives his ruling: Motion to Dismiss granted without prejudice. Plaintiff has leave to amend.

This is where it gets interesting. Pete goes apeshit, clearly not understanding what the judge just said, and takes a swing at dipshit and actually ends up punching him in the face. Uh oh! The fat ass bailiff is sitting in the jury box with his fucking feet up and takes what seems like forever to get his ass up and help me and local counsel restrain this guy, who is now coming after me. Luckily, we manage to get him on the ground and the bailiff cuffs him.

I managed to walk away from the incident without any injuries and dipshit only had a small bruise on his cheek.

This was about three months and we are still trying to decide whether or not to press charges. So far, no amended complaint has been filed and dipshit has found a new tennant (though it sounds like Pro Se Pete has been staking out the property). I'm pretty sure we're just going to let sleeping dogs lie. I'm just hoping Pete doesn't bomb the place.

Fun, fun.