Quote:
Originally posted by cuckold
Wow. Everyone's responses have been great. I actually appreciate SD's advice, although I'm not ready to follow it yet. The idea about emptying the bank accounts is a wise one, at least in part. Long ago I had a joint account with a girlfriend. Day before she broke up with me she took out $5k, leaving me with about $200 to live on for the summer before the bar.
Okay, details, as several asked for: we have young kids and it would pretty much kill me not to see them every day, but on the other hand I'm a GA and taking full time care of them alone would be very, very difficult. Before I found out about the affair, we were having some problems but I was definitely trying to work them out. Now, I'm not so sure. Based on knowing the guy and what I read, I think the level of emotional involvement is somewhere in the middle for her: it's definitely not a one night stand, but I don't think either of them are looking for a permenant hookup (although I could see them occassionally sleeping together for years, if the occassion arose). Several of the e-mails from "Bill" were suggesting three ways with various other women, to which my wife seemed at least somewhat receptive.
I'm still working through this, but right now I'm leaning toward not being okay with this. If it were a one night thing, a fling on a business trip, a hooking up with an old boyfriend just for a weekend, I'd get over it. But I don't think that's the case, even if it isn't a long-term thing either.
I suppose my biggest issue is whether I confront her or not. I could just leave and not say why.
|
Because I recently lived through something remarkably like this (although I wasn't cheating. I was merely accused of cheating.) I feel compelled to give advice.
First, you need to be clear on what it is that you want. If you want to stay married to her, that's cool. If her appearing to be having an affair, or if her actually having an affair is a deal-breaker for you, that's cool too. But you need to know going in what your preferred outcome is.
Then you need to talk to her about it. You need to find out if she's actually fucking Bill or if she's just thinking about it. And you need to think about what those things mean. And then decide if you can get over it.
I tend to think that marriage counseling is a valuable tool, even if all it does is make you realise that you don't really want to be married anymore. But it gives you things to think about and talk about. And at this point, thinking about things and talking about things is definitely in order.
You can clean out the bank accounts, etc. but if you actually divorce, you're going to have to cough all that cash up anyway. I'm pretty sure that absent an agreement to the contrary, all that cash is marital property just about everywhere. The temptation is to make the divorce as hard as possible, to punish your spouse for her misdeeds. I can also tell you that from a proactical standpoint, that's likely the worst and most expensive way to proceed. If you can find a way to do a collaborative divorce, you both wind up about where you would have been anyway, without all the fighting and litigation and paying the lawyers.
Even if she's just thinking about fucking Bill, it's pretty bad for you. Women want to have sex with men they fall in love with. This is a huge generalization, but I think even more appropriate when we are talking about within the confines of marriage. That someone else piqued my interest was a huge red flag for me that something was dying inside my marriage. I don't think I would have been open to that possibility had everything been copasetic at home. It's not the reason I left my marriage, but it was a big sign that my marriage was not a healthy one.
And just to cover my ass, I will say, if cuckold is my husband, honey, this is fucking pathetic. If not, I'm sorry for you. There's nothing fun about this situation, especially where kids are involved, and I wish you luck. PM me if you want to vent.
