Quote:
Originally posted by dtb
They've been dating not so long (a couple of months?) and she's just not all that into him. Not unlike the situation presented here recently by another enquiring mind, the dude's birthday is this weekend and she had made plans to cook him birthday dinner. ... The question... (she acknowledges how junior-high-school this is, but whatever -- I told her I knew the perfect place to get the answer to junior-high-type questions) is, what's her "lead-in"? Just launch into "I don't want to date anymore?"
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If she has a date to cook him dinner, she should keep the date. She cannot cancel the birthday dinner plans because (i) you don't do that unless there is a death in the family (preferably your own) and (ii) it wouldn't leave him with enough time to make alternate birthday plans, and dumping someone in such a way that they are stranded alone to contemplate it on their birthday is really shitty.
She should not break up with him on his birthday. That is obviously a shitty move. Even if done after a goodbye fuck.
She should not break up with him before his birthday, because it would make the dinner, which must be followed through on, uncomfortable.
If she nevertheless really feels the need to break up with him before the birthday dinner, she should do so and then say "if you want to cancel the plans for your birthday, I'll understand," and accept a "no, we'll have dinner as planned" with a show of enthusiasm.
In any event, the way to break up with him is just to say "I've enjoyed our time together, but I'm afraid this just isn't going to work romantically. I hope we can still remain friends." Under no circumstances should she offer any explanation for why it won't work. (They always ask, and there is never an acceptable answer. Certainly not one that the dumped wants to hear. If you offer a non-crushing reason they tend to try to argue, requiring an escalation of reasons from the dumper, which leads only to regret on all parts.) She should just repeat "I'm sorry, I just can't," "I'm sorry, it just won't," and if pressed and desperate, "It's nothing you did, so there is nothing you can do about it," and, ultimately, "I'm afraid I just can't, and I can't discuss it with you further, there's nothing to say."
This is why breakups are, in fact, better handled in letters. It avoids the "but why? Is it something I did?" scene.
