Quote:
Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
Because it isn't necessary to completely cut yourself off from your past just because you're now with someone else. Because if you are quite sure that it will be harmless, but won't be perceived as harmless, there is no point in giving yourself the headache. Because if you're actually friends with the ex, they deserve more than to be completely cut off. And yez, no SO deserves to be lied to, but if nothing is going to happen, they don't need to be told.
TM
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1. There are ways to keep up with an an ex who is a friend that don't involve lying. You could say to the SO "I'm going to have a drink with [ex], it's going to be mostly boring catching up but you are more than welcome to come. We're meeting at [place and time.]" If she knows she can show up, she is less likely to be concerned. And if the ex is truly a friend, why shouldn't she be friends with the current SO, especially if the SO is a spouse, not just the flavor of the month? If there is some reason you wouldn't want the SO to be there, maybe you're not quite so sure it won't be harmless or that you completely want it to be harmless. "Transparency" was the word of 2003 and it's a good thing to keep in mind with relationships you want to remain healthy.
2. There is a big difference between "they don't need to be told" and constructing an elaborate lie involving 3rd parties.
3. Sometimes you give up things you have a "right" to do because you love your SO and don't want to risk hurting him or her. As the "Love Chapter" (I Cor. 13, read at many weddings) notes: "[love] is not self-serving" or as another version puts it "[love] isn't always 'me first.'"
I suspect I'm not convincing you. But I do hope your example was merely a hypothetical for intellectual purposes and not something you'd actually do. But this all reminds me that, although it was the prudent thing to not tell my friend's SO about his spending time with the extremely hot woman when he was supposedly away with friends, I shouldn't have been such a chicken and told him I thought he was playing with fire. It's too bad it's so long after the fact that raising it now would be uncomfortable.
Dr. Fugee
