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[Shape Shifter]

I know many of you are curious as to what it's like to live in the host city of a Super Bowl, and many more of you are curious for a glimpse of the world offered by the unrestricted celebrity party access of a World Ruler.

This sort of access was not required for my first celebrity sighting. As I left work a Mercedes flanked by 4 valets with a car cover over the windows was going the wrong way up a one way street. They eventually had to lift the car cover for him to steer and I say a white guy with gray hair. I don't know who he was, but anyone doing anything this obnoxious obviously has the desperate need for attention that comes with celebrity. Like anyone would notice a white guy in a Mercedes in Houston.

Surely, it would be better at the Maxim Party, this year's hottest ticket. Limos and Lades are so played out. So I went to the bustling Galleria area to look for more stylish transport. Unfortuantely, I was delayed for a couple of hours after I asked a cop if he knew where I could get a good Hummer for $300. This misunderstanding was quickly cleared up, but I was late getting downtown to catch the shuttle to the Maxim Party. When I learned the party was being held in a secret, undisclosed location, I decided not to go. Fuck that. I didn't make myself look this good just to hang out in Cheney's lair. Been there, done that.

I decided to go the BET Party being held at the Pavillion. Having watched BET late at night a few times, I was pretty sure of the kind of party this would be and certain that I could establish myself as "down with it." Because of my delays, many others arrived at the party before I did.

Including the Fire Marshall. I must grudgingly admit admiration for this guy. Nobody knows how he is or how he got his job. He just shows in his little uniform, announces the place is at capacity, and no one - advance ticket purchasers, celebrities, World Rulers - I mean NO ONE gets in until somebody else leaves.

During my wait, I was able to gaze longingly through the window at good times being had inside. e/o and OddMan were obviously the hit of the party. The dj even dedicated the evening to e/o's ass. Coltrane was dancing in a cage with tassles on his nipples (don't ask me to explain - I'm just reporting facts) while Sequels seemed hypnotized by a man palming a basketball. She was calling him Daddy, but they did not appear to be related. I'm sure he was somebody famous. I am also sure I spotted many other celebrities through the window, but, well, it was dark. I have heard - this is just rumor - that Thurgreed received an image award, something about being seen with the Ratio Girl that's good for his image or something. Bear in mind this is unconfirmed.

Dejected and tired of waiting for enough people to exit the party (doesn't anyone leave their drugs in the car anymore?), I headed home, but not before stopping at the exclusive Super Bowl convenience store event for a few Beck's 20 ozers (keepin' it real, dawg). The parking lot was standard Super Bowl transports - more limos and Lades.

The store itself was full of the limo drivers fetching refreshments. As I'm sure you are aware, limo drivers are fertile sources for exclusive Super Bowl gossip. For example, I learned that Catbird's will be serving free hotdogs during the big game. The phrase heard most often yelled out the door? "No Cristal. Is Corona okay?"

I finsihed off this exciting evening watching exclusive celebrity Super Bowl coverage outside some of the parties on our local 24-hour local news channel. A reporter discussed strategies for spotting celebrities with some of the locals. This hard-hitting look at celebrity-spotting concluded with the best quote of the Super Bowl so far. "If I was a celebrity, I would help them," he said. "But then if I was a celebrity, I wouldn't be on News 24 Houston."

I will continue to provide updates. I am headed to the Galleria this afternoon, and I'm sure I will spot an offensive lineman or two inside Urban Outfitters.

P.S. More on the guy who tried to hit on Tara Reid but she was too fucked up to talk as details emerge.