No Faith in the Moral Standards of the Players as a Group

[ThurgreedMarshall]

Originally Posted by Tyrone Slothrop

I haven't read the report either and don't plan to do so. Here's what I think happened. I think the Patriots staff knew that Brady liked balls at the legal minimum, and did their best to deliver balls to that standard. I think the ref measured them, or most of them, and thought that they met the minimum requirements. I think the guy then took a leak before he brought the balls to the field. When the balls were measured at halftime, they were measured with another gauge that gave lower readings, so that balls that were intentionally deflated to the minimum level on a first gauge were seen to be underinflated. With the exception of that one ball, everything fits.

But that doesn't explain why one ball was significantly less inflated, and I'm not sure what the answer is. I don't think the staffer went into the bathroom and deflated only one ball. On balance, I think it's most likely that the ref did a half-assed job before the game and didn't actually check all the balls, that he missed one that he should have caught. I have to imagine that checking the inflation of footballs is not something most refs enjoy and that maybe they do a half-assed job once in a while. I think it's possible, but less likely, that a Colts staffer, having heard something around the club about the team's issues with the Pats, tried to help their cause by letting a little more air out of a ball that seemed (to him) low to start with. I think it's least likely that the Patriots had a walking conspiracy to illegally deflate balls after they checked by the refs, but could only manage to let a noticeable amount of air out of one of a dozen footballs.

I also think that most people heard the initial, erroneous story that all of the balls were underinflated -- a story that we now know came from the Colts, and formed their views that the Patriots were cheating, big-time, and that -- even if they actually heard this was wrong -- stuck with the narrative and conclusion ("the Patriots cheated!") they had already formed. So, bravo to the Colts.

To my mind, the really weird fact is that only one ball was significantly deflated. If you like conspiracies, then it should be easy to do something with the fact that the only flat ball was the only ball the Colts handled. I generally think that people are more incompetent than evil. But for that one ball, I think the Pats staff was trying to give the refs balls at the legal minimum because that's what Brady liked, that the ref checked them, and that one or both did their job poorly and ended up with footballs that were just below the minimum.

I think you're drunk.

Here are the two theories:

Yours:

• Indianapolis, out of nowhere, accuses the Patriots of deflating balls before the game.
• The ref who measures the balls uses the gauge that measures the Patriots' balls at the lowest possible psi under the regulation.
• The Patriots attendant takes the balls after they have been approved with him into the bathroom before bringing them to the field.
• Indianapolis intercepts a ball, lets the air out, and then brings it to the ref to complain hoping that the NFL penalizes Indianapolis based on one ball being underinflated out of a dozen.
• The refs check the balls at halftime. Every single ball the Patriots are using (except, possibly one, depending on which ref's measurements you go by) are underinflated by at least 1 psi (which you think is insignificant for whatever reason and makes me think you've never held a football).
• The NFL conducts an investigation and Brady refuses to cooperate.
• The NFL uncovers texts from Patriots equipment attendants (including the one in charge of the game balls) where they refer to the guy being accused of deflating balls as, "The Deflator" but that's just a nickname because he's fat.
• The texts say things like, "Brady is pissed off with the pressure of the balls" and "If you deflate the balls, you will get free sneakers." These are just text messages and should carry no significance in the investigation.

Everyone else in the world outside of the Patriot circle-jerk:

• Brady likes soft balls.
• Brady tells his guys he wants his balls to be softer than regulation.
• Guys make sure balls are softer than regulation.
• Other teams know Brady's balls are soft. Indianapolis accuses them of it and then confirms it when they intercept a pass.
• Refs confirm all of the Patriots balls are soft.
• Patriots and Brady lie their asses off.

You think the first scenario is more likely than the second, going so far as to say the second is a conspiracy theory, while, out of the other side of your mouth, hinting that Indianapolis accused the Patriots of deflating balls and then actually deflated one of their balls.

I don't think so.

In any case, I think it's ridiculous that Goodell is going to decide this after setting the punishment. What the fuck is he going to say? "Yeah. You're right. I was a bit harsh and the evidence I* based my decision on is a little murky, so I'll knock the punishment down to 2 games and one draft pick."

The NFL is a joke under Goodell. He needs to go.

TM

*Meaning my flunky, who I instructed to do exactly as he did.