Re: Or grandfather
 

here's the thing, the hardest age for parenting is always the age where your oldest is at. you are breaking new ground, and the issues seem immense and too difficult to solve. Still, from my limited experience, a very tough time is a girl and her mother's relationship from about 14-19. It is a nightmare.

I had to say, several times, "ummmm, i kind of think K is right honey." never within earshot of K, but still. point is, it is easy to get going down a wrong course.

your sister is dealing with a child that is a cauldron of hormones, and someone with a diploma on his wall is telling her what she should do. it is hard to think for oneself in that situation.

that is why, my limited suggestion of simply asking a question, w/o offering any opinion is correct.

Re: Or grandfather
 

A good point to note is that all the women on the board weighing in so far don't want any advice on childrearing from family members. It may be easier to give advice to the male part of the equation - we're more accustomed to being wrong.

I think you're right here, and that helping ask all the available questions is likely to be the best received input, and it is up to Atticus to figure out if she's asking for input or for help keeping the other relatives at bay.

Re: Or grandfather
 

Unfortunately, you know the part where I said she was high-strung but came by it honestly? That would be because my BIL is a fucking dulcimer string. Nice guy, loves his family and takes good care of them, but he's the one who needs Xanax. At family events he's like a honeybee in the kitchen.

OTOH, he's rich as fuck by family standards -- they have a vacation home! -- so maybe I should take a lesson. We made him a godfather of one of our kids in the hope that maybe one of them could go to college.

Re: Or grandfather
 

if you want I'll call him. i had psychology in college....at Harvard.

Re: Or grandfather
 

I hear half the people at PTO have psych ABs from Harvard.

The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

Yes, but she'll probably be a shiksa, so her opinion won't count. ;)

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

I had dinner with her and the ex and my fiance last Friday.

I know. We're weird. But I like her.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

I have never had such a dinner and am curious about how it came about. My rule of thumb is never to let the exclusive club of people who have seen me naked hold any kind of meeting. In my imagination, the temptation to talk about sex must be overwhelming.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

There's nothing weird about that. And it's good that you all can get along with each other -- it certainly will make things easier for your daughter.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

I'd forgotten, but your mom wrote a note to get you out of gym class, didn't she?

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

You must not spend much time in the sauna or hot tub, yes?

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

am. i. on. ignore?

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

My ex and I agreed when we separated that no one would meet the Brazenette until that someone had met the other parent first.

He's been seeing this girl for about 6 months and seems to really like her. I expect he intends to have her around his family at Christmas time. He mentioned that he'd like to introduce the Brazenette to her sometime before Christmas, and would I like to have dinner.

So we did. Thai. It was delicious.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

Who paid?

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

That seems a bit anal at first, but is really quite brilliant. Well done. She is lucky to have adults as parents.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

Agreed, but the $64,000 question is what to do when dad's new SO is creepy/hostile/dangerously flaky. Discovery is easy; it's dispute resolution that's hard.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

I suppose that's true. Except that I kind of trust my ex and think he's a way better dad than that. He'd never want to introduce the Brazenette to someone completely unsuitable.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

Nineteen years later and it seems that every post is either the setup for or culmination of a Seinfeld reference. I wonder if they knew they were writing the Moby Dick of 21st century amateur comedy.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

Unsuitable for what? Step-parenting (or the functional equivalent, i.e. seriously dating someone with children) is a complex dynamic and there are plenty of persons who are decent spousal (or dating) material and yet not quite cut out for step parenting or some aspects of it. that said, 3 to what 1463 said.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

This may be so, but I suspect that Penske would've made his hottub post even without the benefit of a Seinfeldian reference.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

I do not believe that my ex would want to introduce our child to someone who would be unsuitable for meeting our child. I trust his judgment. I don't want to be married to him, but I think he's a great guy, a great dad, and a damn fine lawyer.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

In the context of your posts, it seems believable, even from the distance of the internets, that he wouldn't introduce the child to some unsuitable for meeting the child.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

It seems like a great opportunity for some swinging.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

Was that not the whole of the arrangement?

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

'Scuse me. Have to go look for some socks.........

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

If I wanted to have sex with my ex-husband, I could have simply stayed married to him.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

Perhaps, but you may not have had the chance to know the girlfriend but for the divorce.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

I thought staying married was the best way not to have sex with your husband.

Thank you, I'll be here 'til tomorrow.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

This was the best of all possible jokes.

ETA but because it doesn't rely upon a knowledge of Hobbes, I cannot award it my POTD.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

pet peeve alert!

this sort of pronouncement always strikes me as very pompous. for you to opine upon the best possible joke means that you are superior in that department and thus can make such a god-like statement. it's like a person assuming he is capable of drafting an IQ test to finally determine which of the handful of above-200 IQ people is the smartest.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

I do not think you would like my Translation of this.

Re: Advice?
 

From the perspective of an East coast suburban environment in which folks have the money to pay for a chemical solution and social acceptability of the same is reasonably high, I would submit

Antidepressants:teenage girls :: stimulants:elementary school boys.

There is plenty of overprescribing. Also, there are more kids than you would think with genuine, organic needs. With ADD, the needs are easier to see, esp. to someone not living with the kid. I guess it's scary either way as the uncle -- either there is a serious problem that you aren't in a position to see, or there is some serious medication going on unnecessarily.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

say it, don't spray it


and on a day when i gave you world class advice, there should be only a selection of my advice posts in your final list for post of the day

Re: Books for a kid.
 

I may be too late to this party, but one possibility I didn't see mentioned was the Warriors series, which squares with the animal politics series (but probably is not the same -- I think Warriors is all cats). The writing may be one grade on the young side for your precocious 11-12 y.o., but not too far off. (Similar to the Perseus Jackson books already mentioned.) The books are also a little shorter than your target length I think. Watership Down, an oldie, is in the same genre and more mature. And longer.

Re: Advice?
 

Since I regard all good parenting as a series of bad mistakes motivated by good intentions, such that you feel like a shitheel when you're grown up enough to realize that maybe your parents weren't wrong about everything, I have every reason to believe Niece will eventually turn out okay. What matters is exactly what flavor of okay. If she spends the rest of her life on a pill because "I have anxiety and need treatment or everything feels bad" is the only identity she's ever known, she'll be in the same position as a number of adults and I'm sure she'll be a productive member of society and everything.

Part of me thinks that my objection to medication is that this bombshell was apparently not preceded by any kind of serious consideration of lifestyle factors, i.e., they'll give her a pill for her anxiety but she'll stay at her large academically demanding comprehensive high school and keep her AP classes and go to college, just like all of her classmates also on Xanax. Because she just needs to get through this so she can be a stress case in college, grad school and hamster wheel, I guess.

Re: Or grandfather
 

Hello all. It's amazing how strongly people feel about pro and anti medicine for kids. Vietbabe's Aunt (my Sis) scolded me for not immediately putting Vietbabe on meds when she was diagnosed 3 weeks ago with "severe ADHD" (causing her to be very behind in language/phonics and other learning issues). Yet...just a few hours ago I met with Vietbabe's teacher for parent/teacher conference (she had read Vietbabe's neuropsych. report which recommends meds as an option) and when I told her I wasn't putting Vietbabe on meds, she was so relieved she actually shed tears and told me she was upset to see the medicine recommendation in the report b/c she hates the thought of Vietbabe's personality changing (despite terrible learning, she is so happy and confident and sweet) and thinks she can work with Vietbabe academically. She even told me she'd spoke with her husband about how she was so worried Vietbabe's Mom would put her on meds and she and hubby were hoping I didn't.

Wow! Such strong, heartfelt emotions from both my Sister and the teacher on different ends of the spectrum! I think if your kid (like mine) is not having behavioral problems and is happy and confident, maybe it's easy to say "No" to the meds (and just keep working on other ways to help learning...we're doing Orton-Gillingham private reading tutor$ twice a week). But when you see your child anxious or depressed....I imagine it is harder to dismiss taking meds. Are we sure the Xanax would be taken regularly? Or maybe only during very difficult times. Most everyone I know that takes Xanax pops them only during a tough time. I have a stash of a similar drug that I take every once in a while if I'm legitimately upset by something and I can't sleep. But that's only b/c I'm allergic to alcohol. I imagine I'd have a glass of wine instead. Truth be told, I like the pure effect of the Xanax-type drug without the side effects of wine. I think if my teen was up all night crying over being jilted by a boyfriend, I might be fine giving her a Xanax the next night to help her sleep. That sort of thing. Sorry for the long post.

Re: The Mama, the Mama -- Tradition!
 

What I do want is for you to stand there in that faggoty cartoon avatar and with your Harvard mouth extend me some fucking courtesy. You gotta ask me nicely.

Re: Or grandfather
 

Orton Gillingham works wonders. You may want to check out this program - they run a teaching program, where they teach O-G to people who agree to take on a number of students. The program is free, and in many areas they actually need more kids. But, they are a bit picky about who they take - they do an assessment and figure out if they think your kid is likely to be highly benefited by their program. Our oldest had her reading level jump 6 grade levels after one year. You also might want to look at RAVE-O (the pilot is here: http://ase.tufts.edu/crlr/raveo.html ), which may turn out to be the next thing after O-G.

Re: Or grandfather
 

This is nice to hear. As for the Masonic program, that is the first place the doctor directed me to and we have one in walking distance from our house. Unfortunately, there is a 18 month waiting list. Same for all the centers within 100 miles! So I had to find a private OG tutor. I will check out the RAVE-O. Thanks!! (PS-I never knew what those scary Mason buildings were about)

Re: Or grandfather
 

Wow. No waiting list here at all - it's just a question of whether your child is dire enough to get in.