Don't forget about the parody contest
 

Deadline noon Friday.

See here for the details.

Don't forget about the parody contest
 

Those rules knock out my stellar guitar work on great parodies set to AC/DC, Pink Floyd, The Pretenders, Blondie and U2. Quite an impressive law school parody band I may add. It's all on video if anyone ever wants a chuckle. Kind of Madison specific in parts, but some good material.

I will record (for free, of course, subject to below) the winners if anyone wants. I can get the music together and travel to do the vocal recordings if the person lives somewhere moderately cool or has the cash to support my drinking habit. Let me know.

Not Amused by Poll! Poll
 

I think Angel is a popular boy's name among Hispanics. Much like Jesus.

And everyone on this board should know that...

Nobody fucks with the Jesus!

and dtb, Vivian is a lovely sounding name...

Not Amused Poll
 

I am not amused by the following:

• Red Sox in 5 (btw, what were the odds that unfrozen caveman baseball player Johnny Damon would be the one taken off the field after a head-to-head collision? Wouldn't you bet on it being the other guy?)
• Recall elections where the state votes for the speech-impaired white guy who fondles women...instead of the other speech-impaired white guy who fondles women and then has the decency to pay them
• Lara Flynn Boyle having a better career than Sherilyn Fenn over the past ten years
• the legal market in California sucking like a hooker on the last Wednesday of the month
• Halloween turning from a holiday for children into a holiday for adults/opportunity to party/excuse to watch men in drag
• those times when I work so late that I miss the beginning (which is always the best part) of The Daily Show
• commercials for prescription medication on television
• except for that commercial for arthritis medication with Frankenstein's monster...that was pretty clever
• the fact that you hear better music on commercials than on commercial radio
• white guys wearing Fubu, doo rags, or dreadlocks
• although I was amused by the black guy wearing the Mike Dunleavy jersey the last time I was in Oakland. Do you think his mom understood why he really wanted an Antawn Jamison jersey instead?
• anyone who calls on a cellphone while they're at the game
• NBC picking Jay Leno over David Letterman
• the fact that David Letterman will one day (possibly one day soon) retire
• Fran Drescher's voice
• Rosie Perez's voice
• the inevitable Bill Murray snub at next year's Oscars
• Brendan Fraser movies
• Johnny Cash dies, Sting lives
• Sting was not pilloried for making up that business about having sex for six hours at a time...to impress Bono
• Sarah Kozer from Joe $ doesn't do full frontal nudity because she majored in women's studies
• Courtney Love's attempts to thwart a complete Nirvana box set
• the fact that MTV doesn't play videos anymore
• even when Fountains of Wayne has Rachel Hunter dancing on a pole in their video
• and the White Stripes get Kate Moss to do the same
• Carson Daly, late night talk show host
• Fred Durst being in the same room with Halle Berry
• 8 Simple Rules for profitting from John Ritter's corpse
• minivans in the fast lane
• conceptually thinking about billable hours outside of the workplace
• Celine Dion or Shania Twain as a "diva"
• women describing themselves as "a bit of a diva at times"
• humidity
• not being able to access the "Calendar Live" section of latimes.com without getting a subscription to the paper
• the fact that paperboys are now men in their 20s and 30s driving cars instead of kids riding their bikes
• the fact that kids don't get to just play anymore... they have to take all sorts of classes and extra-curricular activities starting at age 8
• the fact that America has been hoodwinked into thinking that Paige Davis is prettier and more personable than Carol Smiley
• the entire cast of The Today Show, The View, and Will & Grace
• those Herbal Essences commercials...seriously, buy a shower massager and have a real, honest-to-God orgasm
• the false, yet pervasive nu metal/boy band dichotomy
• we can have a Hooters in Santa Monica...
• but God forbid that we have a lap dance in LA
• all entertainment reporters who are not Dorothy Lucey
• Max Kellerman has a show on ESPN....but the Sports Guy doesn't
• John Ashcroft
• the whole redneck state of Missouri
• let's add Indiana (at least the southern part) while we're at it
• girls making that "Whoo" noise
• Emmit Smith, Arizona Cardinal runningback
• Troy Hambrick, Dallas Cowboy runningback
• Dennis Erickson, head coach, San Francisco 49ers

Not Amused by Poll!
 

I've had a few clients who used to do this. Older executive types who (I think) had done this since the time when their offices had switchboards and limited outgoing phone lines.

Only clients can get away with using this method of phone calls. (Of course, this comes from me -- I'd stand on my head reciting "Gunga Din" in pig latin if a paying client asked me to.) And they have to be 60 plus without making one think that they are self-important doofuses.

Opposing counsel gets the accidental disconnect* when doing the "please hold for Ms. Benefits"** thing. Unless one needs something from them.

*Actually, the few who have done that that to me got away with it because I am a nice guy. And I didn't have to wait for more than a few seconds. But mostly the nice thing.

**Should fringe ever deign to call me (asking for advice on how to deal with the paralegal who tripped on her office carpet) I would, of course, hold for her as long as necessary. Filled with anticipation.

arnold's platform
 

Did I hear correctly when I heard someone say on the Today show that Arnold would not allow illegal (or undocumented) immigrants to get driver's licenses? While I applaud this stance (really), bc immigrants are the WORST drivers. Especially the South American and Asian ones (if you dont believe me, go to Rio). (which reminds me of the story my not Japanese ex told me about the time he was learning to drive and was understandably doing a bad job, and someone yelled to him "go back to japan")I applaud any law that would put the kabash on handing out drivers licenses to anyone with legs. But this I dont get (and I am admittedly ignorant on this), if Angel goes to the DMV and is found to be an illegal or undocumented, why wouldnt he be deported?

NLCS
 

If I wasn't saving my only true apology for God in case he exists, I would apologize to the board and the world for last night.

Everything was going fine until I decided to get my groove on with my husband late in the game. Needless to say, I was momentarily distracted which caused a drop in the mental energy needed for the Cubs to succeed and WHAM the Marlins tie it up. Well, I did the necessary tricks to make him finish with a bang but by then it was too late for the Cubs -- cheap ass Marlins HR in the 11th. I promise to remain more focused during future games.

Not Amused Poll
 

In addition to adopting Jack's list completely and adding it to mine,

I am not amused by my own social gaffes in public places.

After shaking hands and warmly greeting 100 absolute strangers with the standard "it's nice to see you," I failed to recognize the man I interviewed for a job less than twelve months ago and greeted him with "meet."

He corrected me and reminded me of the circumstances of our meeting and what we discussed specifically, and I still failed to make the connection. Using my limited acting skills to cover, we chatted amiably until it all came flooding back 5 minutes later -- the two hours (!) we spent talking about how his transferable skills would be very useful for one of my clients.

Oops.

Meeting people
 

Oh lord I do this all the time. Just recently I met someone and then not 10 minutes later I again informed her it was nice to meet her.

:doh3:

I also forget names as soon as I hear them.

I have no idea what the hell my problem is, except maybe I just don't pay close enough attention.


Edited to ask why prostitutes suck harder on the last Weds of the month and to note I am not a little bit of a Diva, I am all Diva honey.

Meeting people
 

Here is a trick that works every time. Say you are meeting "Jenny" for the first time. As soon as she says "My name is Jenny," you say "Jenny, Jenny bo benny a fe fi fo fenny, JENNY."

If this fails to stick her name in your head it won't matter because she won't come near you for the rest of the night anyway. :D

Meeting people
 

Ok, see, no.

arnold's platform
 

Because the DMV is not the INS.

And because most of the state's restaurant and agriculture industry would collapse if anyone else got involved with deporting illegal immigrants.

Meeting people
 

Forgetting names is a very common social problem. I host cocktail parties throughout the year for fifty to a few hundred people and I insist that we have name tags. Some people think it's silly but having everyone able to at least make that name connection helps them talk to people they don't know, think they don't know, or wouldn't otherwise recognize.

I think we both know this is the company you keep.

Meeting people
 

Yes, but they are so faaabulous. The dresses, the hair, the makeup. My GOD.

arnold's platform
 

What I meant was, how come the DMV, which is state govt, doesnt refer the people to the proper authorities? Of course illegals contribute tothe economy and all that, but on a strictly legal basis, they are illegal. So I am just wondering why a govt agency or whatever the DMV is doesnt do the referral?

arnold's platform
 

the Arnold platform part only comes up because Davis recently said he favored giving illegals drivers license. Some thought it a politically motivated attempt to get Hispanic votes. So AS isn't changing a policy, he is just saying he won't. In your neck of the woods, illegals can only get drivers license if they pay the going bribe rate.
http://www.steinreport.com/archives/000840.html (spree brief summary of arrest)

I suppose illegals don't go to DMV much given this, so a narcing them out policy maybe isn't needed.

arnold's platform
 

Several reasons.

First, it alienates (no pun intended) certain voting blocks who, unfortunately, can't also be deported. The state and local governments then risk losing voters. Apparently, they believe they will lose more votes by acting than they will lose by not acting.

Second, there is no requirement for states and municipalities to act.

Third, it ties up resources which states say they don't have. The best example is local police departments who won't refer illegals to the INS even when they are otherwise already under arrest for anything but the most serious crimes. In the case of the most serious crimes, they are typically referred only upon release or acquital. The alternative for government employees is to be sitting on a prisoner for a few extra hours waiting for an angry INS agent to stop by. The government employees would rather be at, e.g., the donut shop.

Hello

arnold's platform
 

Davis said he favored giving illegals a driveres license? Oh, you cant live here, but since we arent enforcing that on you personally, you can drive here! I now think Arnold could do a better job not knowing shit bc maybe he has a basic grasp of conflict of law?

Hey Gray, I know men cant legally rape a woman, but what if they happen to be doing it anyway? Would you mind it they stuck a finger up her butt?

arnold's platform
 

It *is* truly unfortunate that all those nasty illegals can't be summarily deported because god knows, they just came here on a whim and life will be a bed of roses for them when they go back to where they belong. Of course, people who enjoy possibly the highest standard of living in the world simply by accident of birth are really in the best position to decide their fate.

arnold's platform
 

The state guv is much more liberal than the fed guv when it comes to illegal immigration, because they get a lot of votes from people who are sympathetic to illegal aliens. So, in spite of the fact that the cost to Cali's economy is huge, the Cali state guv spends mucho time and bucks fighting the enforcement of our federal immigration laws at every step. Many liberal states are like this - in Minnesota, our various city councils pass ordinances that make it illegal for city workers and police to report illegals. They say that this is because of cost - but it's really just a blatant vote-buy.

Makes sense, huh?

arnold's platform
 

Whats that got to do with the price of tea in China? We are talking about conflicting laws here.

JPUNK Gives Socks a Bad Name
 

In order to be a little ironic for my favorite little has-been PLf, I am using a sock to protest JFUCK's incesssantly bad unfunny socking with the fisrt entry into the contest. BRing on the new magic wand lealg.

(sing to the tune of BonJovis' 'YOu give Love a Badname')

A moron's joke is what you tell
Your posts are unfunny, and put me through hell
One note socks are so old to me
Your socks are a prison, you can't break free

Whhoooaaaa, you make the board no fun
Whhooooaaa, there's nowhere to run
Not even my wit can save us
The damage is done

Chorus:
Post like a fart
And he’s so lame
JPUKE gives socks a bad name
I flame him out yet his schtick’s the same
JPUSS gives socks a bad name
JRUNT gives socks a bad name

Change your name to ConnecttheDots
Doesn’t matter your act still rots
A teenboy's scheme, everyday a new try
From your very first sock you made us want to cry

Whhoooaaaa, you make the board no fun
Whoooooaaa, there's nowhere to run
Not even my wit can save us
The damage is done

Chorus:
Post like a fart
And he’s so lame
JPUKE gives socks a bad name
I flame him out yet his schtick’s the same
JPUSS gives socks a bad name
JRUNT gives socks a bad name

Not Amused by Poll!
 

This whole issue is solved by having your secretary answer your phone. He/She can simply say, "put him on and I will go get Mr. Not Bob".

I have worked in both politics and entertainment, each industries where this is done all the time.

Not Amused by Poll!
 

Are these considered to be two separate categories where you're from?

arnold's platform
 

You're not just talking about conflicting laws.

arnold's platform
 

I am not? Oh you are right. I said they are the worst drivers and the worst drivers shouldnt be granted licenses. I see your point, Sebastian.

arnold's platform
 

I swear I spend half my life correcting graduates of public schools. My statement was "[F]irst, it alienates (no pun intended) certain voting blocks who, unfortunately, can't also be deported".

Who said anything in that sentence about "nasty illegals"? Did you and little fashion board princess go to the same school?

Sheesh.

Hello

Not Amused Poll
 

Murray was wonderful in Lost in Translation and deserves serious consideration. He has done solid work recently in Rushmore and The Royal Tennenbaums. But it is difficult to overcome a career known mostly for hunting gophers and ghosts. Don't sweat it - the Academy has very little credibility anyway.


Based on your post, I would imagine this happens often.

arnold's platform
 

What is this? A bad episode of Three's CompanY? I am the nasty illegal hater according to the Twink, not you. And of course I, the FB princess, would never have deigned togo to public school. Are you not familiar with my ouevre? Catch up.

Not Amused by Poll!
 

Both are subcategories under the broader context of "sports." Politics here is a contact sport. Entertainment less so. In California, I understand it is the other way around.

arnold's platform
 

Was there a good one?


Sorry bout that. Does everyone around here have a nickname already? Thank God the "Twink" has already been taken.


That sounds French, so I don't know if I'm familiary with it or not. What does that mean in English?

Thanks for the insight. I'll do my best to catch up.

Hello

arnold's platform
 

Fucking judgmental Swedes.

arnold's platform
 

All right Paigow. It's just this. Deportation is a horrible horrible thing. One of the worst things you can do to someone. Talking about it casually like it means nothing sets me off. That combined with sweeping generalizations, and the idea that someone could be turned in by simply applying for a drivers license, made me upset.

arnold's platform
 

Um, sweet pea, it is not accident of birth. It is because we are the Elect. Because God loves us more. Because we are filled with virtue and goodness. If all those poor people would stop being big sinners and just plain bad people, they too would be prosperous.

Therefore we get to decide their fate. We also generally get to decide who besides us can have nuclear weapons, though Pakistan apparently has forgotten that we have this perogative. I'm sure they will Learn a Hard Lesson sometime soon.

arnold's platform
 

I didn't know you were Jewish. I'm a chosen people nanny nanny boo boo.

arnold's platform
 

Accident? Don't let anybody tell you different -- my sister was the unplanned one, not me. Of course, my childhood led to the vasectomy but that is for another post.

Where you are born is karma, baby, not accidental. See, if your led a pretty good life last time around you get to be reborn in the good old U S of A. On the other hand, if you were a shit in your former life you get to spend the next one in France... or Canada. ;) There are no accidents in a karmic world. Think of it in terms of belonging to the FB being a karmic reward for the super cool and fashionable while the lowly ones are stuck at the old board.

edit: I suppose if you read fringey's post you could skip mine as they make a similar point -- mine, however, is much funnier.

Not Amused Poll
 

Joe Rogan (think that's his name) quote from last night's Tough Crowd (paraphrase):

"In this country everyone knows who won the Oscar and no one knows who won the Nobel Prize. That is fucked up."

He went on a rant about how we shouldn't reward actors for being the best fakers. Kinda funny in a predominantly unfunny show.

arnold's platform
 

OK, how about you are going to the DMV, and to get there you have to cross a street and you jaywalk. Do the DMV people observing you through the DMV window have an obligation to call the cops and report you? What about if you are digging through your purse to find your wallet, and the DMV person sees a few flakes of something that looks a lot to that DMV person like pot. Should they hold you, perhaps in the bathroom, until they can get a cop over there?

arnold's platform
 

The foreign minister gig is a tough one though.

arnold's platform
 

No, they should see if there is enough, and make a joint.

What's with you today? These are easy questions.