Most delusional Craigs List-er ever?
 

NFL Draft
 

You're going to have to be a little more specific here. Ricky Williams? Randy Moss? The Portland Trailblazers?

eta: I'm smart.

Most delusional Craigs List-er ever?
 

She looks like she ate a little Lucy Liu.

Mmm...Liu.

Everything in Moderation
 

They can be hard to follow, but if you read them slowly, eventually, it will all make sense.

Everything in Moderation
 

Your blood is thin from all the boozing. You're gulping the hard stuff straight because you can't stomach the fifteen beers you need to feel comfortably numb before dozing off to stupid human tricks on Letterman. Just because the bottle cost a lot and had a nice wax seal does not make you any different the dude with the 40 at 7:30 a.m. by the train station when you stumble out of the air conditioned nightmare of your precious Main Line suburb into the big city for another day of you're never quite sure what. The haze has grown thick and the hash just helps distract you from the ever-quieter voice in your head shouting, "What the fuck are you doing?" If there was ever a case for a medicinal dose of lysergic acid, it is you. Get a fist full of microdots and start popping them every hour on the hour until you can see color again and you remember why the traffic lights always struck you as so laughably absurd. And promise me this: when you do it - STAY OFF THE INTERNET. It's necessary but it is going to be messy and we don't want to see that shit.

Everything in Moderation
 

T-minus mere days until I give notice. The anticipation and excitement is palpable. I so did not want to report to work yesterday following porn, gambling, drugs, and booze in Vegas. I want to be able to abuse myself with complete reckless abandon and sleep as long as I want the next day. I may become that "dude with the 40 at 7:30 a.m. by the train station," so look for me.

Everything in Moderation
 

There was an NYT article about the AVN awards. I was a bit surprised that we did not get a report. I'm not mad, but I'm very disappointed.

I'm also mad.

Everything in Moderation
 

I was deferring to Slave, who has the pictures.

Everything in Moderation
 

The good news was that I got us both invited to Tom Byron's group and the Evil Angel afterparties.

The bad part was that I immediately forgot what Suites they were in, once I started talking to Mary Carey.

Memo to file: next time, bring a pen.

Everything in Moderation
 

In my pre-coffee daze, I read Evil Angel as Avril Lavigne and Mary Carey as Mariah Carey.

And for a moment, I was glad I wasn't in Las Vegas with you guys.

Everything in Moderation
 

Does Mary push her "tax breast implants to balance the California budget" plan at the AVN, or is less political for the week?

Everything in Moderation
 

You got distracted by Mary Carey? I don't recall her being particularly attractive. Big, sloppy TITS and a so-so face. Am I thinking of the wrong porn star?

Everything in Moderation
 

Maybe they're hypno-tits.

Everything in Moderation
 

Might I suggest the pre-work wake and bake? I had the good fortune to take a summer off a few years back while still technically working and showing up at the office. The mild morning bake (just a few hits, nothing to give you that heart-pounding "fuck-this-is-kind and my face feels really hot right now" sort of mild paranoia... just a few to put you on that "what a joke reality is" cloud) is a lot of fun when you know you're leaving and no one else does. Just be careful when offering the saccharine laugh at buffoonish office quips not to actually say out loud "God, you're a fucking idiot... how on earth did you manipulate the pencil through an entire SAT?") This will get you through a morning of surfing soft core porn and reading about the turn of the century Armenian genocide and Bon Scott's fateful last evening gargling Jack and deviled egg slurry in his 928 Turbo.
By lunch you're ready for a scotch (stay away from bourbon until your very last week... leave the "truth serum" for those final moments, when you offer your parting nuggets of wisdom).

Leave at 3:30. Repeat until "cured."

Oh, and burn the bridge. Leave charred toothpicklike remnants. Having left five jobs on "good terms," I can offer from experience that my greatest regret was not driving the orataory equivalent of a ball peen hammer through the forehead of several people I thought deserved it on the way out.* People will tell you take the high road, and that "its a small world." Nonsense. You're not coming back. If you can find a way to leave a Cleveland Steamer on the family portrait of one of the bigger jackasses you've suffered over the last decade, do so.

Petty, childish, immature? Absolutely. But when the fuck will you get the chance to let your freak flag fly that high?

* I did it once actually, but they defused it by actually listening and acknowledging my complaints.

Everything in Moderation
 

All men want to act childish and immature throughout their entire lives. Most of us have no desire to act like adults. That's why we like Howard Stern so much. We'd all act like him if we could. I don't even think he's particularly funny, but I wouldn't mind a life full of fart jokes, tits and spanking...I blame society.