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-   -   Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a row (http://www.lawtalkers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=845)

dtb 12-03-2009 05:19 PM
Re: Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a ro
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyrone Slothrop (Post 409134)
I heard a different story explaining my parents' divorce long after it happened, and it kinda rocked my world.
Interesting...

My stepdaughter's mother walked out and moved away (a four-hour drive) to go shack up with her boyfriend when my stepdaughter was five years old. She has recently made more of an effort to be part of her daughter's life (more than zero, that is), but she feeds her a load of BS about why she (the mother) left. Even my stepdaughter doesn't believe it. She says things to me like, "But that CAN'T be the real reason, because x,y,z." And she's quite right. The story is full of holes, even to a second-grader.

So, how honest should I be about her mother's departure? My husband leans toward being more rather than less honest (if she asks), but he's not sure either. I think he'd rather leave it to me.

I don't want to "tattle" on her mom, but I don't want to lie for her mom either.

The last time my stepdaughter said, "I just don't believe that's true" I just said, "I think you're right to be a little suspicious about that -- I don't believe that either."

Such a minefield.

Tyrone Slothrop 12-03-2009 05:22 PM
Re: On a "need to know" basis
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironweed (Post 409139)
Yes, and the kids will have great material for their first books.

I've always blamed my inability to write the great American novel on my parents' long and happy marriage. Do you know how hard it is to have to go out and collect all of your own traumas? By the time you're done, you don't even feel like writing about it anymore because you're old and busted like Thurgreed.
Shit, there's an excuse I don't even have.

Tyrone Slothrop 12-03-2009 05:25 PM
Re: Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a ro
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dtb (Post 409140)
Interesting...

My stepdaughter's mother walked out and moved away (a four-hour drive) to go shack up with her boyfriend when my stepdaughter was five years old. She has recently made more of an effort to be part of her daughter's life (more than zero, that is), but she feeds her a load of BS about why she (the mother) left. Even my stepdaughter doesn't believe it. She says things to me like, "But that CAN'T be the real reason, because x,y,z." And she's quite right. The story is full of holes, even to a second-grader.

So, how honest should I be about her mother's departure? My husband leans toward being more rather than less honest (if she asks), but he's not sure either. I think he'd rather leave it to me.

I don't want to "tattle" on her mom, but I don't want to lie for her mom either.

The last time my stepdaughter said, "I just don't believe that's true" I just said, "I think you're right to be a little suspicious about that -- I don't believe that either."

Such a minefield.

You should just not get involved in that one, because there's no way it helps your relationship with her. You're already in the position of supplanting her mother, and some part of that is not going sit well with her at some point, even if you have a fantastically successful relationship with her. Because you're not her mother. So if you tell her the truth you are driving a wedge between her and her mother, and at some point that will get taken out on the messenger. If you don't tell the truth, you're lying to her, and you don't want to do that. So leave it alone -- it's between her and her mother.

Adder 12-03-2009 05:25 PM
Re: Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a ro
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dtb (Post 409140)
Interesting...

My stepdaughter's mother walked out and moved away (a four-hour drive) to go shack up with her boyfriend when my stepdaughter was five years old. She has recently made more of an effort to be part of her daughter's life (more than zero, that is), but she feeds her a load of BS about why she (the mother) left. Even my stepdaughter doesn't believe it. She says things to me like, "But that CAN'T be the real reason, because x,y,z." And she's quite right. The story is full of holes, even to a second-grader.

So, how honest should I be about her mother's departure? My husband leans toward being more rather than less honest (if she asks), but he's not sure either. I think he'd rather leave it to me.

I don't want to "tattle" on her mom, but I don't want to lie for her mom either.

The last time my stepdaughter said, "I just don't believe that's true" I just said, "I think you're right to be a little suspicious about that -- I don't believe that either."

Such a minefield.
Speaking as the least qualified person on the planet to give parenting advice, it sounds to me like she is ready for some form of the truth (e.g., "mommy fell in love with someone other than daddy"). But I guess that really should come from mommy.

ABBAKiss 12-03-2009 05:27 PM
Re: On a "need to know" basis
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyrone Slothrop (Post 409137)
I was going to tell her to go for it, if only to get some reverse psychology going.

This is not a comment on ABBA, but one someone asks for advice on a chat board and the response is this loud and uniform, you've got to know that em is going to make the opposite decision, because the only reason em is asking for advice at all is that em wants to do it but knows that it's a bad idea.
I honestly don't know what to do. We are not together, but he is making my life living hell. Unfortunately, I do still hate-fuck him pretty regularly.

Anyway, I find it interesting that I am being told both that "people change" and that my douchebag ex won't.

Honestly, I don't think he is capable of a relationship. I think his character is fatally flawed and he may even be a sociopath, because no one in their right mind would cheat on me and tell me they were leaving me when I was pregnant at their request for a 21-year-old who lives with her parents and cannot hold a candle to me in any aspect of life whatsoever. And this is not merely my biased opinion.

That said, I cannot simply get him out of my life because he is my daughter's father. So I feel very trapped.

Hank Chinaski 12-03-2009 05:29 PM
Re: Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a ro
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dtb (Post 409140)
Interesting...

My stepdaughter's mother walked out and moved away (a four-hour drive) to go shack up with her boyfriend when my stepdaughter was five years old. She has recently made more of an effort to be part of her daughter's life (more than zero, that is), but she feeds her a load of BS about why she (the mother) left. Even my stepdaughter doesn't believe it. She says things to me like, "But that CAN'T be the real reason, because x,y,z." And she's quite right. The story is full of holes, even to a second-grader.

So, how honest should I be about her mother's departure? My husband leans toward being more rather than less honest (if she asks), but he's not sure either. I think he'd rather leave it to me.

I don't want to "tattle" on her mom, but I don't want to lie for her mom either.

The last time my stepdaughter said, "I just don't believe that's true" I just said, "I think you're right to be a little suspicious about that -- I don't believe that either."

Such a minefield.
have you checked to see how snug the step-daughter's underwear is?

LessinSF 12-03-2009 05:30 PM
Re: On a "need to know" basis
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ABBAKiss (Post 409144)
I honestly don't know what to do. We are not together, but he is making my life living hell. Unfortunately, I do still hate-fuck him pretty regularly.

Anyway, I find it interesting that I am being told both that "people change" and that my douchebag ex won't.

Honestly, I don't think he is capable of a relationship. I think his character is fatally flawed and he may even be a sociopath, because no one in their right mind would cheat on me and tell me they were leaving me when I was pregnant at their request for a 21-year-old who lives with her parents and cannot hold a candle to me in any aspect of life whatsoever. And this is not merely my biased opinion.

That said, I cannot simply get him out of my life because he is my daughter's father. So I feel very trapped.
Pay up, peoples.

bold_n_brazen 12-03-2009 05:32 PM
Re: On a "need to know" basis
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ABBAKiss (Post 409144)
I honestly don't know what to do. We are not together, but he is making my life living hell. Unfortunately, I do still hate-fuck him pretty regularly.

Anyway, I find it interesting that I am being told both that "people change" and that my douchebag ex won't.

Honestly, I don't think he is capable of a relationship. I think his character is fatally flawed and he may even be a sociopath, because no one in their right mind would cheat on me and tell me they were leaving me when I was pregnant at their request for a 21-year-old who lives with her parents and cannot hold a candle to me in any aspect of life whatsoever. And this is not merely my biased opinion.

That said, I cannot simply get him out of my life because he is my daughter's father. So I feel very trapped.
You can get him out of your life, or at least out of every part of your life except that part of your life that requires that you parent your child together.

But honestly, it sounds like you don't really want that.

Not yet, anyway.

ABBAKiss 12-03-2009 05:32 PM
Re: On a "need to know" basis
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LessinSF (Post 409146)
Pay up, peoples.
Uh, we are not together and I am not going to be with him. And, for the record, I AM NOT FULL FIGURED.

1436 12-03-2009 05:33 PM
Re: On a "need to know" basis
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ABBAKiss (Post 409144)
I honestly don't know what to do. We are not together, but he is making my life living hell. Unfortunately, I do still hate-fuck him pretty regularly.

Anyway, I find it interesting that I am being told both that "people change" and that my douchebag ex won't.
He has no reason to change. Stop fucking him and go find someone who actually respects you.

And, I agree with Sidd that this is a rare topic where Hank has my proxy.

ABBAKiss 12-03-2009 05:34 PM
Re: On a "need to know" basis
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bold_n_brazen (Post 409147)
You can get him out of your life, or at least out of every part of your life except that part of your life that requires that you parent your child together.

But honestly, it sounds like you don't really want that.

Not yet, anyway.
I am terrified of being a single mother. My daughter is great, and I love her, but I have no interest in being a single mother. None. I am so fucking livid that I am. I am doing the best I can, but I do not want to be a mom on my own, and I cannot be with him, so I am fucking trapped.

I did not want kids. He talked me into it. I still do not want kids.

1436 12-03-2009 05:37 PM
Re: On a "need to know" basis
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ABBAKiss (Post 409150)
I am terrified of being a single mother. My daughter is great, and I love her, but I have no interest in being a single mother. None. I am so fucking livid that I am. I am doing the best I can, but I do not want to be a mom on my own, and I cannot be with him, so I am fucking trapped.
You really need to get some counseling for that fear. It is real and you should not ignore it, but you can overcome it.

I would never wish single parenthood on anyone, but it is better than being dependent on an ass. Unless it is e/o's ass, Ive heard that can be habit forming.

bold_n_brazen 12-03-2009 05:40 PM
Re: On a "need to know" basis
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ABBAKiss (Post 409150)
I am terrified of being a single mother. My daughter is great, and I love her, but I have no interest in being a single mother. None. I am so fucking livid that I am. I am doing the best I can, but I do not want to be a mom on my own, and I cannot be with him, so I am fucking trapped.

I did not want kids. He talked me into it. I still do not want kids.
You don't want to be a single mom? You don't want kids?

Honey, you are a single mom, and you have a kid. Only way out of that is to adopt her to someone.

And I don't get the sense that's what you want either.

But having him back in your life doesn't solve any of these problems.

Cletus Miller 12-03-2009 05:45 PM
Re: Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a ro
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyrone Slothrop (Post 409142)
You should just not get involved in that one, because there's no way it helps your relationship with her. You're already in the position of supplanting her mother, and some part of that is not going sit well with her at some point, even if you have a fantastically successful relationship with her. Because you're not her mother. So if you tell her the truth you are driving a wedge between her and her mother, and at some point that will get taken out on the messenger. If you don't tell the truth, you're lying to her, and you don't want to do that. So leave it alone -- it's between her and her mother.
Do you have a suggestion for a better way to "leave it alone"* than the tack she has taken thus far**? I guess she could get more socratic or say "ask your father", but either of those have most of the same pitfalls as just telling the truth or not.

*which I agree is the correct advice.
**which I think is walking the tightrope b/t telling the truth and not.

1436 12-03-2009 05:46 PM
Re: On a "need to know" basis
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ABBAKiss (Post 409150)
I did not want kids. He talked me into it. I still do not want kids.
That I have even less advice on.

Sympathy. But no real advice.

"Remember that this is not the kid's fault" seems trite. And beyond that you are in waters I've not yet traveled.


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