Re: On a "need to know" basis
 

NO!!!!

It's not your fault that you were lied to! Of course not. But you can do something about it now -- so please, seize the opportunity. You will be so glad you did.

You had no reason to know he was a lying sack of shit. But now you do have reason to know. Pick up the pieces and move on.

You are an accomplished, smart, super-attractive, fun person who deserves someone who can recognize all that. They are out there. Loads of them. Go choose one!

Re: On a "need to know" basis
 

My sincere apologies. I feel certain it is not likely to be a common mistake.

Re: On a "need to know" basis
 

I'm not seeing that, and if they are saying that, I suspect it's only because they are being harsh in order to get you to wake up. You're in a very tough situation. One of the reasons I'm not a mother is because I've seen how hard single motherhood is on my sisters and I don't want that. They've had some terrifically hard times, but are both pretty happy now and one of my sisters just got engaged to a truly fantastic guy.

Everyone is "at fault" for what goes on in their lives to the extent we have control over it. But if you trust someone that you probably shouldn't have, given the other signals he was sending, it doesn't mean you're bad or stupid or whatever. It just means you made a mistake, and everyone makes mistakes, and then they deal with them. You'll know better next time. And it doesn't mean that you can't ever trust anyone again. You'll just know better who to trust.

Wish I could give you a big hug, sweetie.

Re: Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a ro
 

I disagree. Even when someone tells you why they did something you still don't know why they did it. All you know is what they told you. The real reasons are often least understood by the actor.

"I don't know why, but I've been told what happened." That seems to be the most honest response.

Re: Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a ro
 

It is absolutely ridiculous that he is putting you in a position to deal with this. Of course he doesn't want to hurt her. Who would? But the decision on how to deal with it and the resulting action need to come from him, not you. It is not possible to avoid causing further trauma. But he needs to step in and give your daughter a child-appropriate version of the truth. Pushing the conversation off or making you deal with it is bullshit. That's why I said he needs to grow some. Be a parent. Sometimes it's hard.

TM

Re: On a "need to know" basis
 

I haven't weighed in here, but hey, look, this is an affair of the heart, and those things get messy. Perfectly wonderful people fall from grace and absolute scum get redeemed. At least one board poster has admitted to being a bum and a rake the first time around and claims to have reformed himself.

You get to this state of affairs by being human, but it sounds like the guy (not you, the guy) has some pretty significant problems right now. He's a problem and a danger. Some people dive right into that; my Mom, much to her later regret, did, because my Dad was a charming and intelligent egomaniacal, alchoholic, insecure cheating ass.

I like to focus on the things that last and get deeper, and it sounds like that's you and your daughter. You can't not be human, and you may well fall for another ass someday. But it sounds like this one has had his day, and I'd let someone else worry about reforming him.

And if he's harassing you, go for the restraining order. At the least, it means he gets to have a conversation or two with an authority figure somewhere who will try to knock some sense into him, whether that is your lawyer or a police officer.

Re: Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a ro
 

Ha - that's almost exactly what I said to her one time. Something like, "I'm sure it was a very difficult decision for her to move away -- and she probably doesn't even know all the reasons. I'm sure it was hardest for her to leave you."

I also told her (the stepdaughter) that she should ask her mom about it one day. But nobody talks to her about it. They change the subject or mumble some platitude. It's so weird. Poor thing sees and feels that her mother is gone, and everyone around her acts like it's the most normal thing in the world, and my SD knows and feels that it isn't. Honestly, I think she appreciates the reality check from me (the tempered reality). That I acknowledge that it's a difficult and strange thing that her mother did (walking out with no explanation -- the differing reasons for "why" don't change that cold fact) at least affirms for her what she's already feeling, instead of pretending that everything is normal. It isn't.

Re: On a "need to know" basis
 

A big red super-italicized 2 to this (which I would do if I had any skilz).

Now that you know McDouche is a manipulator who will talk you into something he wants but not let it stop him from doing whatever else he wants regardless of how it affects you, you can't give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he can change and maybe he won't -- but given his past actions you can't just accept his word that he has or will change. You have to see proof over a sustained period of time.

It sounds like you want to take him back just so you won't be a single mom. But ask yourself -- if you take him back and he continues acting the way he did -- are you better off? Is the help with your daughter worth the cost to your mental and emotional health? If you take him back will he manipulate you into having another baby?

Re: On a "need to know" basis
 

umm, she had the baby and she loves her, so this line is moot. it's like me Pm'ing RT that leagl should never have made Ty a mod.

Re: On a "need to know" basis
 

Our mothers, and our fathers, they had lives to lead. And today is proof that mistakes were made. There's not a doubt in my heart, they've done the best that they know how. And there's still time for us to make a change.

Re: Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a ro
 

Your husband, her father, leaves it to you? Well, I trust you and she are pretty close.

I grew up in a house full of lies. We don't know what Mom convinced herself was true and what Mom lied about to cover and what Mom managed to avoid knowing. But the lack of truth that fundamentally began with Dad did have some negative impact on at least a couple of my siblings relationships with Mom (me, less so; I think my youngest sister actually drew closer to her out of sympathy for it all). I think it had a very negative impact on one sibling's relationship with Mom in particular.

Here's the problem: right now, the original Mom is the untrustworthy liar. Whatever you do, don't join her as someone your step daughter doesn't trust. Dad probably gets to make his own decision.

Re: On a "need to know" basis
 

So you're advocating a restraining order?

Re: Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a ro
 

It's slightly more complicated than that. He has his way of dealing with it, and I have mine. He's fine with how I deal with it, and he's not going to change his way.

But thanks for your understanding!

Re: On a "need to know" basis
 

Big fat italicized 2.

The hardest thing is to walk away from someone who you love who loves you, but is terrible for you. And yet, that's what you sometimes have to do, no matter how scary and hard, no matter how uncomfortable.

Re: On a "need to know" basis
 

I just like Funkadelic.

But, well, yes. I have avoided jumping in to this discussion for a number of reasons, and although I know ABBA outside the board, I have not seen her in years, I think. She can correct me if I am wrong. So I have no more insight into this particular situation than anyone else reading the board, and less than some (like ncs). I'll further say that I am not comfortable giving extremely serious life advice based on connecting the dots from some internet posts. But based solely on what she has posted on this board, this week and in the past, I am worried.