No beer and no TV make Atticus something something.
 

I don't understand how there could be any dispute about this. American pilsners suck. American regional pilsners suck worse, but you feel a glow of blue-collar pride when you drink them (think Lucky Lager and Falstaff, or Pabst, for that matter). Regional microbrews are novelty beers, and for them we are very grateful.

But for stout, there is Guinness; for brown ale, there is Newcastle; for lager, there is Spaten; for pilsner, there is Urquell. God has ordained it.

Mojitos?
 

That's a chick's beer, dude(?)!

No beer and no TV make Atticus something something.
 

You know, with very little effort, (about three hours for six gallons), you can make any of these beers yourself, and then you can tweak your recipe to make it your own.

You haven't had an ale until you've had "Bilmore's Pale Ale". "Bilmore's Honeyweiss" will knock you on your butt, pleasantly, and "Bilmore's Red Stripe" will leave you gasping, in patois, for more.

Mojitos?
 

Since when is a hefi a chick beer? Just b/c it has a lemon in it? I'm partial to Widmer Hef myself, but Pyramid's up there.

No beer and no TV make Atticus something something.
 

What? What do you consider "very little" effort? Hell, sterilizing the bottles is pain in the ass enough. I'd rather scrub floors.
I prefer going to Safeway and grabbing a sixer out of the refrigerator section. That's as much effort as I can give a beer.

No beer and no TV make Atticus something something.
 

Think "kegs".

No beer and no TV make Atticus something something.
 

Nothing American sucks! Everything we have ROCKS!!! Do you know why? It's because WE'RE NUMBER ONE, BABAY!!! Do you know why America is the richest, most powerful country ever to exist on the face of the earth? It's because we're winners and God loves winners! He rains his blessings upon us because he knows that every other country can't shine our shoes--except for the Saudis who deserve to lick our shoes clean.

I think you need a little transfusion of patriotism, my friend. We need to turn your O-negative into an A-Positive-that-America-kicks-every-other-countries ass type of blood.

C(I will give props to Canadians and Mexicans since they border on us and have absorbed some ass-kickiness by osmosis over the past 200 years)tD

No beer and no TV make Atticus something something.
 

If I say "American cheese", will you promise not to start crying? That would be awkward.

No beer and no TV make Atticus something something.
 

I enjoy a Newkie Brown as much as the next guy with a serious drinking problem, but to hold it up as the standard bearer of brown ales does not seem right. It is an insult to Sam Smith's Nut Brown Ale.

But, perhaps you are saying this to exhibit a new faux-working class Atticus in a devious attempt to raise Paigow's ire.

Or perhaps I have read you wrong all this time, and you are much more of a pint-swilling soccer hooligan type than a tuxedo-sporting dandy.

I suppose it is possible I will never know which is right. But that's O.K. - it is all just part of the magical mystery tour of internet chat boards. Carry on, Brother Atticus!

Mojitos?
 

All y'all are a bunch of snobs. But I love you anyway. (Well, some of you.)

Who cares if the miserable proles out there actually (gasp!) *like* Coors Light, white zinfindel, or Mateus rose? I mean, it is all clearly BAD BAD BAD, and the fact that millions of people go into Applebees (another bad and popular thing) and VOLUNTARILY CHOOSE TO RIDE THE SILVER BULLET is just more proof that they need us to tell them what they should like. Taste is really not subjective, after all.

Jesus.

Mojitos?
 

Some people think that anything lighter than pitch black tar is chick beer (read Guiness, Fish Tale Ale). And maybe the lemon's another issue.
But yeah and nice cold Widmer is also good.

Mojitos?
 

That reminds me, how did that Jamaica vacation turn out?

Mojitos?
 

Well, not good taste, anyway. Coors sucks.

No beer and no TV make Atticus something something.
 

American cars

American electronics

American steel

American toys

American insecurity (the vehicle that drives our wonderful economy).

Mojitos?
 

Sure, and you are a chick, no?

Mojitos?
 

I never said there was anything wrong with white zin. In fact, I reminded the wine snob that white zin used to be an expensive indulgence. I had a boyfriend acquire a bottle for a picnic on my 16th birthday, and it was almost $30 (almost 20 years ago!).

You are the snob, descriminating against me and my club-going cronies.

Mojitos?
 

Very nice, thank you. Once I pick up the pictures at Wal-Mart, I'll pass them along.

Oh, but it will have to be tomorrow -- the missus and I are having dinner at Red Lobster (after happy hour at Fridays or Ruby Tuesdays), and you know how sleepy she gets after a glass or two of Sutter Home white zinfindel.

Mojitos?
 

Yeah, but the fact that everyone paid $20 for a six-pack of coors at age 16 doesn't mean that the beer is worth it.

Anyway, the safest course when dealing with stoopid waiters is to say Zinfandel. Surely that makes it just a bit clearer that you know what you're talking about.

MNF Cheesecake
 

Melissa Stark had a pre-Ally McBeal Courtney Thorne-Smith thing going on. (Which is a good thing.) If I was in charge of Disney/ABC/ESPN, I would have given the nod to Ann Werner (who got married and changed her name, I think.) When they had Ann doing some sideline reporting from Green Bay when it was 10 below, I thought the boys in Bristol should have given her more airtime.

http://www.megahertzproductions.com/stills/espn3.jpg

Heineken
 

I must be a rube who fell off the turnip truck, but some of the best beer I've ever had was at the Heineken brewery in Amsterdam. Maybe it was more the fact I was in Amsterdam than the actual beer. But I swear it tasted good. Nowadays I just do meth. It's so much easier to order, and you're less likely to embarass yourself when hanging with the hipper-than-thou set.

Good times, good times.

Bridezilla
 

Here on the West side (except for Arizona), we switch from standard time to daylight time during the summer months. Douche bag.

Coming up next: my review of Last Comic Standing.

Mojitos?
 

According to my grandmother, the proper term is "blush" wine. As in, "Go get me a tumbler of blush. Out of the new jug, not the one your grandpa backwashed into."

Heineken
 

Budweiser in Prague - best ever! (No relation to the US brand)

Heineken
 

It's the hash. It'll make you thirsty and then anything tastes good. Even skunk beer.

Heineken
 

Flinty, nobody falls off a turnip truck anymore. Even People magazine has caught up and now uses the expression "fell off the rhubarb truck." It's not alliterative, but that's ok because alliteration is passe.

Heineken
 

By popular demand, okay, one demand, this is the new board motto.

Heineken
 

Lowenbrau tastes a lot better when brewed in Munich than when brewed in Waxahachie under license to the Miller Brewing Co. I wonder why.

Mojitos?
 

You know you're hearing the truth when it feels just right. This man speaks the truth. Thank you Coltrane. Clap, clap, clap. I'd much rather drink Bud or Coors or Miller Light than Heineken any fucking day of the week.

str8.

Heineken
 

The Heineken in Amsterdam is different than what we get in the US. They even put it different types of bottles to make sure they don;t mix-up the good stuff from Amsterdam with the US swill...or so the head brewer at Stoudt's Brewery in Adamstown, PA tells me.

No beer and no TV make Atticus something something.
 

I am but a humble slave to my grocer. He is my sahib, and I am his safari boy. With him I have seen many things, but if his adventurings have not taken us far afield from Newcastle, it is not my place to complain.

Road Trip Albums
 

1. Little Feat; Waiting for Cloumbus
2. Clash; London Calling
3. Stones; Some Girls (Especially if I'm driving through Bakersfield)
4. Elvis Costello; This Year's Model
5. John Hiatt; take your pick

Bridezilla
 

Hi Hottie. My advice is simple. Kill the bitch and come play with me in Chicaqo.

Tuesday night Reality Wrap-Up
 

Spoiler Space for those who plan on seeing Osbournes, American Juniors, or Last Comic Standing some time later

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Osbournes: I'm very disappointed in Ozzy. Blaming it on his shoes. Please. It would have been great for America to see him run 5 miles. But he wussed out. Sucks. The rest of the episode was not memorable.

American Juniors: Well I think the Thompson sisters are stone cold locks tonight. They really stilted the show to put them against very weak competition (last week's contestants were miles better). Canyon Grove was one of the worst singers of the bunch, but that said he's almost as big of a lock to make it to tomorrow, and into the group. My other predictions are Lucy Hale and in a longshot upset, Brennan Hillard. My house was voting for Brennan. I'll try to improve on my 3-for-5 performance last week.

Last Comic Standing: The show was very thoughtfully conceived. I love the idea that the person "voted out" gets a chance to stay by challenging one of his detractors to a 1-on-1 battle. Great format. Fascinating strategy. Lesson from last night: a not-funny comedian with cancer and a nervous twitch is still a not-funny comedian. I also couldn't believe that Sean went after Dave instead of Rich Vos. Dave is obviously brilliant. Rich is much more beatable, I'd think. Nobody's ever going to challenge Ralphie, though, because Ralphie is insanely funny and will win this show. The show is genius, and is my new favorite (at least until BB4 starts).

str8

Here's my new signature, from the current Sports Illustrated:
"This is Rickey, calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball."

Blast from PLF's Past
 

Fuck you. You are such an asshole. Pretty Little Flower, indeed. Stinking Pustulent Chancre is more like it.

Tuesday night Reality Wrap-Up
 

My thoughts almost exactly on Last Comic. I love the premise because it puts a comic at risk to try to oust another strong comic - it rewards picking on the weak so the last comic standing should be funny. As for choosing Mordal over Vos, I think it was because Vos has some name recognition, and Sean probably thought he was vicious, NYC funny. Also, many of them have never seen the others perform, apparently including Sean --> Dave. As each week passes, they will know each other's routines better, and it should change the dynamic weekly. Right now, for example, no one is going to pick Mordal, Dat, or Ralphie because they know they are strong funny. Spiky haired girl, however, is so dead-meat.

Osbournes: I tried to watch it again, but it is so tired. Ozzy is sad. Jack and Kelly are obnoxious. And they have a bunch of hanger-on suck-ups. Who cares at this point?

Road Rules: An amusing season so far as Donnell transforms before our very eyes into a really obnoxious, whiny asshole.

Real World: Unwatchable.

For Love or Money: This should be a half-hour show. Get rid of the repetitive recitations of what everyone already knows and the redundant, recycled rehash of othre dating shows, and get right to the dish.

Paradise Hotel: Only seen it once, but why should I care who stays, goes or arrives? They don't appear to win anything other than the right to stay, and I don't get to see any of the good bits. If they offered 24 hour bedroom cams, I might go for the service.

Anything for Love: Unwatchable.

Top Model: As previously noted, who gives a rat's ass. I flipped across what was apparently supposed to be a sexy scene with a girl undressing (back shot) and talking about how she is comfortable changing in front of other girls, but I could count every rib. <shudder>

Cupid: Simon Cowell's upcoming show appears to be a 50/50 chance between unwatchable and promising. A la AI the first couple shows will show the morons who tried out (which should be hilarious). Then, the ten guys chosen by the girl's best friends from these 30 second tryouts will go on dates, which America will see snippets of each week, and then we vote who is eliminated. Plus, the girl seems cool. Attractive, but not super-hot, but she'd rather go to a baseball game than on a "the most romantic date of my life." (See Paige in For Love or Money after her gondola ride and mack session with the world's most boring attorney, and gag me with a maggot.)

Speaking of which, what the fuck is wrong with women and "romance." Wake up - we know you are all suckers for candles, beaches, or anything else that is so-called "romantic." We don't care. We are using your simplistic, media-created, prejudices to take advantage of you. A canal ride through Venice is not romantic. It is a canoe through a filth-infested sewer, poled by an unwashed misogynist who can't hold a tune, that gives us a change to grope you.

Big Brother 4: We can only hope for even more nekkidness.

Jenna/Heidi Playboy shots
 

Speaking of reality TV nekkidness, the Jenna/Heidi issue is out. Eh. Heidi looks better than Jenna, who looks really over-madeup and seems to have a new nose. Lots of airbrushing, but Heidi appears (I have only seen distorted web scans) to have nice puffy nipples.

Mojitos?
 

This is why my drink of Summer 03 is a martini. As was my drink of 1990-2002. Before that my summer drink was a fattie and a beer.

Tax(classics never fade)wonk

Tuesday night Reality Wrap-Up
 

To keep some spoiler space in:

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Last Comic is a great show. They were all very funny in their routines, and making them go up against each other is an interesting twist. That said, I was sad to see Sean go. (I always cheer the Texans and I thought he was at least in the top half of the comedians.) I hate Rich Vos. I just don't think he's funny. Maybe it's that he's doing a 24/7 impersonation of "stand-up comic" guy from the mid-90s.

Surf Girls: I love this show, and I adore Kula.

Osbornes: Unwatchable. I don't even make the attempt.

Road Rules is a kick.

Real World: I watch it to remind myself why I am so glad to be in my 30s.

For Love or Money: I agree completely. It's kinda fun, but it's excruciatingly long.

Paradise Hotel: Not watching.

Anything for Love: Not watching. The SO saw it and was so horrified he almost couldn't describe it.

Top Model: Not watching.

My favorite reality show, to the horror of all my friends, is: the world poker tour they are currently airing on the travel channel. How could you not watch "Devil Fish" Elliott?!!

Mojitos?
 

ever read Charles Bukowski? one great image: Hank stubles out of bed hungover into the bathroom, the prose:
"it was a beer shit, a good hot one"
first read this in my 12 pack of Buckhorn/Falstaff college days, and it was such an accurate description of something I experienced most mornings, but had never put in words. RIP Hank Chinaski

Mojitos?
 

Vodka tonics all the way. 3 parts vodka, 1/2 part tonic, 1/2 part lime.


Fine, but did you be sure to utilize the finger "smell" test before diving into the fatty? Some surprises do await, ya know.