Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

the stream of g/fs is traumatizing to kids

They need stability. keep it awayyyyy from the kids.

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

Yes. You should be. He's a dick and you let it happen (even after we all told you exactly what he was doing from the moving in, to the dog, etc.)

How often does he have her and for how long? Being "shuffled around" in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. If you can get yourself to a place where things are somewhat stable (and I recognize this may be impossible), then it's fine. I assume that you can't possibly control the douche, but you can provide as stable and as loving an environment for your daughter as you can at your house. And you can strive to turn your relationship with the Douche into one that is stable as well. That will clearly take some work (see comment from last post re "turn the other cheek"), but it's worth it.

Frustrating, yes. Harmful? Maybe. Her relationships with men may very well end up being defined by these interactions. But if she is in no physical harm, in the short term, while repugnant to you, it's probably not that bad for your daughter.

Go back to my advice about fixing your relationship with him. It's not fair, but it is clear that any efforts on turning that relationship into an adult one will fall on you. That will mean in the short term, he will get to act like a fucking dick and you'll have to suck it up. Once he understands that you're really not interested in fighting, that the girls he screws don't bother you and that your focus is on your daughter, his will shift in that direction too. It might take a very long time. But it will happen. If it doesn't, he will lose interest in torturing you (since it won't work) and will probably lose interest in wanting to be around his daughter much. Either way, you and your daughter win.

Who cares? Ignore them all. This isn't high school. Crush them in court on their motion and move on with your life.

But, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, suck it up. You seem to be the only adult in your daughter's life. Keep it that way. And yeah, you're in a shitty situation. But you're not the first to be in one and yours sure as hell ain't the most awful. So, focus on the times when you have your daughter, enjoy that, and work towards a better situation in all other areas of your and her life.

TM

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

Whoa. He offered no opinion whatsoever. Easy.

Jesus.

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

Dude, I don't think it's right, just wanted to make sure you contemplate the *possibility* that the judge would take the position that that do have standing. And be ready for it with points that don't revolve around "fuck off".

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

Yes. And he and his family will continue to be a pain in the ass and you will continue to have to deal with it. That's the job now. Feel free to vent and yell and scream to us all you want. But you're going to have to find a way to deal with it.

I think you are misreading Cletus. He is advising you to not take their threat too lightly, not telling you they should have any kind of custody. You need to calm down (and I'm not saying that in my usual dickish TM way--you actually need to take some deep breaths and relax).

TM

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

Sigh. she has the child and she is reaching out to the board for advice. And I think that's a positive next steps. Outside perspective as she is too close to really decide the best way forward in a tough spot. also with selfish malicious folks like mc douche and grandparents you feel overwhelmed like it is from all sides.

I told you so is pointless

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

This is a very alarming train of thought and I urge you to reevaluate it. You cannot solve your other problems as long as this trapdoor remains unlatched.

As for the other stuff, do what you are doing. Sadly it is a pretty common story. You win if your daughter only realizes what an asshole McDouche is when she's in her mid-20s. All other outcomes are negative.

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

Far too pessimistic. There are many outcomes that are not negative compared to your proposed "win", tho I think most of them involve daughter figuring it out for herself--which is an *extraordinarily* difficult thing to try to stay out of, especially given what we're told about McDouche and his relations.

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

abba, I have no experience with the "dual parent" thing. i do know this- every caring parent starts with a dream that their kid's life be perfect. at the age of your daughter it still seems possible to most. over the next 25 years though, little by little, you will see that her life won't be perfect. she'll make mistakes, or choices you see as mistakes. she'll have some bad fortune and accidents. in short some day she'll be as fucked up as most, but hopefully your influence will have made a difference such that she is a little better armed for dealing with the world- this little bit is what a realistic parent has to strive for i think, because the perfect life ain't happening. so like AG says eliminate the "I'd not have had her.." bit, and focus on dealing with what will be the first major challenge of your parenthood- and hope it'll be the most challenging problem.

the advice of ncs and ggg (normally in combination not worth shite) seems most valuable here. you can't make her the center of a war without hurting her. maybe talk with someone about what behaviors from him cross a line and be mindful of those, but unless he does clearly cross them understand you have to deal with him. and maybe let him know that hating on you only hurts the kid?

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

Document the harrassment of your sister and the threatening Facebook messages and keep a file. You may need this for future custody/parenting time battles.

But as TM said, you have to be the adult in your daughter's life no matter what kind of crap McDouche and his family pull.

Most people don't intentionally have a child thinking they will not be raising that child together with its other parent -- but it happens a lot with the divorce rate as high as it is. So people learn to give their children the best life possible under the circumstances.

Come here and vent but do see a counselor to learn how to really let go of your anger even in the face of continued crap from McD. It is the best for you and your daughter.

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

Like you, I was shocked by the first statement, but I attributed that to what I was reading in, not what she meant to say.

The daughter will likely realize longgggg before she is in her 20s that her father is a jerk, but she will probably love him anyways, and, hopefully, he will be less of a jerk to her than he is to ABBAKiss.

But it will all be part of the advernture of growing up.

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

Best case scenario is that ABBA wins because McDouche wakes up and becomes the kind of dad the ABBABaby ought to have. But even if he's never going to get there, the ABBABaby should be encouraged to have a relationship with her dad.

I "share" the Brazenette with her dad. She spends every other weekend with him. We also manage to work out holidays pretty amicably. He's her dad and both of them are entitled to the relationship they have.

I will admit that he and I have an unusual relationship, in that we are pretty good friends and trust each other a lot. I'm grateful for the weekends that she is with her dad, because it gives me a chance to catch my breath from constant mommy stuff.

Everyone is right, though. At the end of the day, it's about what's best for the ABBABaby. And honestly, what's best for her is to have a relationship with her daddy. Your job, as her mother, is to facilitate that. It's not fair to make her feel disloyal to you for loving him. She is SUPPOSED to love him. He's also supposed to be worthy of that love, but to the extent that he is not, you're going to need to give him chances to improve.

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

Definitely don't take their attempt to get visitation too lightly. There is a MN statute allowing grandparents to seek visitation time. https://www.revisor.mn.gov/statutes/...C.08&year=2009 Two days a week doesn't seem "reasonable" to me for grandparent visitation but they could get some time.

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

That was exactly what I was getting at, but didn't want to dig thru MN statutes if it wasn't there.

Re: The thread where Spring has sprung, and Penske has risen from the law. Word!
 

You may be right. The happiest adult kids of divorced parents I know are the ones who learned WHY their parents' marriage failed (or why their parents never married) AFTER they were mature enough to realize they could love dad even though he had this flaw of being a drunk/shitbag philanderer/selfish asshole. Maybe some kids get to that point before 25, but it helps for the wounded spouse to eat shit for 20 years and never let their wounds show. It absolutely sucks, but I have never seen a situation where the wronged party was "therapeutically honest" with the kids and it worked out that the kids had a healthy relationship with both parents. Maybe mid-20s is too much to ask, but all the best outcomes consisted of saying "Hush, now, don't talk about your father that way" all the way up to the point where it becomes a wan smile and a "Well, that was a long time ago . . . "

Just add it to the list of ways in which the parents' QOL is subordinate to the kid's.