HOW TO LIE WELL?
 

You clearly haven't mastered the art of the 6 am email.

Disco Stu never lies
 

Bitch, please. I first used this phrase to insult someone on this board ages ago.

And Kids in the Hall is where I first heard it, too.

NFH of the day
 

Funny, yes -- but COWS ARE FEMALE -- ALWAYS!!!!!!

Why does it take a CITY PERSON to point this out?!?!

GEEZ! (My impression of Mad Lawyer.)

HOW TO LIE WELL?
 

In my world, populated only by me, the 9:40 people are the ass-kissers.

I'm a lifelong 10:15er. But tomorrow, 9:30, I swear. New year, new leaf.

HOW TO LIE WELL?
 

After people started calling me at home with questions at 9pm, I mastered the art of the 7 am phone call instead. Home's a lot more peaceful now.

Changed signature
 

What makes you think I give a fuck what your fucking sig line says? You fucking moron.

(Sorry I had to be good all morning. I really need a drink.)

Changed signature
 

So how'd your testimony go?

HOW TO LIE WELL?
 

Nothing fun is open or happening at that hour (and I count the gym as "a necessary thing to postpone death", not "fun"). Might as well work, and have time to play in the evening.

Disco Stu never lies
 

So PJ needs a hyphen? Or is there one less hyphen in boy-drink than in girl-drink?

HOW TO LIE WELL?
 

Remember the words of Costanza: It's not a lie, if YOU believe it.

I am a world-class liar. But it comes from practice. Practice and a fundamental mistrustfulness of other people make for a good liar. If you don't trust people and are constantly breaking down what they say in your head and trying to catch them in lies, you will be a good liar.

The key is to formulate your lie in advance. Then, question yourself like you would question someone else posing the lie to you. Once you come up with answers to all your questions, the lie is a good one.

Also, it's good to introduce props and third parties if the lie is going to be a big one. It's like a sting. You plant things in the person's mind before you tell the lie so the lie is an extension of a truth they have already witnessed with their own two eyes or ears.

Example: You want to meet up with an old girlfriend (not to cheat, but it will look bad no matter) and you know your girlie wouldn't like it. What do you do?

First, tell a good friend your plans. Then have said friend call you and make sure your girlie answers the phone. Have him chat a bit and then, if he's good, he'll say something like, "Do you guys have anything planned for Friday night?" That's it. That's all he needs to say.

You get on the phone, shoot the shit, etc. Get off and wait for her to ask you what your friend has planned for Friday. You say, "Oh. He wants to go out to such and such, but I don't think I want to go. I'm kind of tired."

Then, on Friday, a few hours in advance, you call her and say that you changed your mind and are going to meet him. Go, have your fun with your ex and when you come home, she'll ask how it was first. You'll say it was okay, even though you didn't go where he originally wanted to go and he was into some girl the whole time.

This is important because she or one of her friends may have seen you at another place and may also have seen you with her. But now you're good. Because if she goes all in at this point, there's no problem. "Why was I talking to some girl? I just told you he was into some girl. Your friend probably saw me with her when he went to the bathroom or something. What the fuck?"

Easy street. Guilt and shame shifted to her shoulders. And you're already onto asking what's in the fridge.

PM me your potential lie and I will perfect it for you.

TM

Changed signature
 

I had to turn signatures back on momentarily to see pony's sig line earlier and I was reminded of how much I enjoy spookyfish's rageaholic. thanks for bringing him back, fishy. and fuck off.

HOW TO LIE WELL?
 

the Russian mob after-hours bars are still open, frequented by off-duty strippers.

then again, that may not be your scene.

HOW TO LAY WELL?
 

A certain partner at my firm has a habit of viewing very hard core porn on his office computer, and leaving the images on his screen while people come in and out of his office to conduct business. I am not really offended by it, but I imagine that not everyone would feel the same way.

HOW TO LIE WELL?
 

I can use this too. But if I say it, it really is. I add an eye roll for effect.

I can also walk in in a huff and say women! And everyone just nods.


I'm not much of a liar. I'm too literal for the most part.


In answer to the question, how did it go. I think it went well. I was on the stand for quite a while, but for the most part I was walking them through a video tape I had made.

I have encountered the defense counsel 3 times now and he is always pretty cautious and respectful with me. He's never really attacked me. I think it would be difficult to do so really. Joking aside I'm a pretty good witness. And of course, as an attorney, I am not likely to get up on the stand and risk my license by lying over getting some morons convicted for a very minor offense.

My weakness as a witness is definitely the fact that I am very literal, as I noted above.

So, Ms. Eaze, did you observe the defendants obstruct traffic, both foot and automobile?

Well, I would say that I saw them obstruct foot traffic, but I do not recall any specific instances of obstruction of automobile traffic. This is not to say they did not disrupt it. I just did not observe it.

I'm surpised he didn't kill me.

Works both ways though. Makes it hard for defense to shake or confuse me.

It also makes it easy to believe me.

HOW TO LIE WELL?
 

How do I explain that she was giving me a hummer at the bar?

It is also important to remember that constructed fact pattern for a very long time.