Oh, Bambi. When will you learn?
 

She had the nerve to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" to Bill O'Reilly:

http://www.consumerist.com/consumer/...mart_bambi.jpg

(Actually, it's one of the Smoking Gun's favorite mugshots, via the consumerist)

Holiday Gift Exchanging
 

St. Vincent de Paul is coming back from the dead in 15 months!

I'd better get my shit together.

Christmas Day Night
 

Sorry, dude. Regular stripes are totally Mojito. If you want some play, you gotta go diagonal.

Hope she has a one-handed backhand...
 

http://us.news3.yimg.com/us.i2.yimg....84KEJIWqDtqA--

India's top tennis player Sania Mirza

Holiday Gift Exchanging
 

Has this become socially acceptable?

TM

Holiday Gift Exchanging
 

Gift certificates or velvet shirts?

Holiday Gift Exchanging
 

Velvet shirts? In, baby, in! I'm not disagreeing with your assessment that the particular velvet shirts selected by the maternal parental unit may not be all you, you, you. But you need to get out, work the plastic, and get yourself decked head-to-toe in velvet. It will be sssssssmokin'! You'll thank me.

Again.

Holiday Gift Exchanging
 

ncs' mom- xmas gifts- too much bother. I finally told Ironweed's mom to just give me oral sex and that way I stopped getting things I couldn't use. maybe ncs' mom isn't okay with the incest aspects, but ncs could maybe get a "voucher" for Mr. Man from mom?

Christmas Day Night
 

That's right, Hank. You're real smart. Such a smart boy.

Christmas Day Night
 

your "creative" way to fuck with me is to copy a GGG sock?

Holiday Gift Exchanging
 

Perfect for the recycled gift routine.

Observations from this past weekend
 

Jagermeister may or may not be classy, but it is ALWAYS delicious. And gives a great buzz.

Oh, and it took you this long to realize that SJ is hotter than hot? The panty shot in Lost In Translation didn't do it?

Leave of Absence
 

This sounds so awesome that I think I'll kill myself.

Holiday Gift Exchanging
 

BRC's idea of exchanging the tops for a gift card you can give to your Mom on her birthday is pretty good.

The Fugee Mom gave me a hideous blazer one Christmas (she persists in thinking I am an Autumn and should wear rusts despite my telling her that I am a Winter and look dead in rust). I told her I was returning it but fudged a little by saying it was because the corporate parent of the store she bought it from had bought then liquidated one of my biggest clients so I wouldn't wear anything from their in protest. Although this was true, I think she knew deep down that I hated the blazer and I felt bad.

So I think you should not tell your Mom that you hate the velvet tops or that you returned them.

Christmas Day Night
 

Many of your stories about the GF involve people hitting on her when you two are out (e.g., the recent Cabo story).

Holiday Gift Exchanging
 

Keep just one of the multiple velvet shirts and next time you see her, wear it and when she notices, say "Mom, thanks for this but really, I don't want you to spend a lot of money on me; why don't we do X instead" and then for "X", mention something less costly, like her getting you a cookbook she thinks is good, or baking you something yummy you can enjoy during the holidays (or soup in your case) and insist you'd really prefer that and be more comfortable with that. Return the rest of the stuff for store credit and then, for her b'day or Christmas buy her something from there - she probably likes the place herself.

Holiday Gift Exchanging
 

I killed the ya momma thing like 5 years ago. Why won't you let it die?

TM

Christmas Day Suckertrain
 

I think my retard tolerance meter finally maxed out last nite... I shouted and growled myself hoarse. I won’t be talking to any family anymore for a while.

I have now fallen into a crevace somewhere below the attitudinal basement I thought I’d reached in 2000. I feel like Spacey in American Beauty.

The question, again, is “now?”

I feel like King Midas in reverse.

Christmas Day Night
 

Ah. I knew, in your little passive-aggressive way, that it was a dig. "Many." Ha. Nice work! I think the total is now 2? One about the soap opera guy who, it would seem from the story hits on everyone and one about Cabo Wabo. At least you're paying attention, though.

What you don't seem to understand is that there is a big difference between some fat, balding, ugly loser from the midwest who is in Cabo and has the courage only tequila and the anonymity of another country can provide and good looking guys or millionaires who drop $1,000 for an introduction. Explaining how the first group tries to hit on my gf in a cheesy bar in Mexico is illustrative of how pathetic they are and not how desirable I think she is. Therefore, look to the context of the story to determine why I am giving you the information. If you think it's because I'm bragging about my gf, you're wrong in this case. I do that with photos and descriptions of the ratio.

Hey! Maybe you can share a story about your boyfriend with us?

TM

Christmas Day Night
 

Are these traits listed in a hierarchy of undesirability? Two apply to me and I would really like to know which I should work on first.

Gratuitous Bruce reference included.
 

A Catholic timmy? Is that you, Atticus, or just a brilliant disguise?

Actual Fashion Question
 

So I'm going to a NYE party and the dress is "festive attire." What the hell is festive attire? I don't think it means black tie, because then it would say "black tie." So I guess it's a notch below black tie, but still sparkly or something. fuck. Any thoughts?

p.s. I don't wear pants, unless they are jeans, so that's out.

Actual Fashion Question
 

That means it's time for you to put on that fat suit again! I think the blonde wig is optional.

Actual Fashion Question
 

I am just going to dress up as a french maid. That ought to cause some festivity.

Actual Fashion Question
 

Boobie tassels are festive.

Actual Fashion Question
 

But a fat french maid, right?

Actual Fashion Question
 

Festive means sparkly. You need to wear sparkly clothing. A gold sequined top and a short skirt with sparkly fabric woven into it. And a shiny, sparkly headband with rhinestones. And black shoes with shinly gold tinsel taped to them.

Actual Fashion Question
 

Out here in the sticks, "festive attire" means sparkles and/or bright colors.

Actual Fashion Question
 

It is economical to visit a dollar store and purchase some goldesque and silveresque accordianesque bells to hang from your armpits. You can also get lots and lots (I am thinking 30+ screams "FESTIVE!!!") of goldesque and silveresque plated plastic bracelets from places like Claire's. Another good idea is to drape yourself in velvet - I hear ncs has some shirts. You could wear one on top and one with the arms as legs for a pair of make-shift pants.

Actual Fashion Question
 

I forgot to mention make up with sparkles in it. That is super festive. Make up with sparkles in it says: "Kiss me at midnight because I am festive and will likely reward your kiss with no-strings-attached fellatio shortly after midnight!" At least that's the case in my experience. YMMV.*

*This is an automobile-related metaphor acronym.

Actual Fashion Question
 

French maid is festive too. It says, "Kiss me at midnight and I will reward you kiss with no-stings-attached anal sex shortly after midnight!" At least that's the case in my experience. It is possible that your experiences may differ much the same way that automobiles of the same make and year may nonetheless have differing miles driven per gallon of gasoline consumed depending on driving conditions and other variables.

Actual Fashion Question
 

I think the outfit in the avatar will work just fine.

Actual Fashion Question
 

So Gwink needs to bring a strap-on, as well? And to keep with the theme, it should be sparkly, right?

Actual Fashion Question
 

Either covered with sparkles or, like the shoes, with shiny tinsel taped to it. I have always found that the tinsel tickles my nether regions, which is a bit distracting, but I have always tried to be accommodating about these sorts of things. sts, iykwimaittyd.

Actual Fashion Question
 

Are you going to post a photo of you in the French maid outfit or what?

TM

Game Warden Blotter
 

He Thought He Heard A Rustler

A complaint of an individual shooting deer and not retrieving them led Goliad County Game Wardens Jesse Garcia and Kevin Fagg to check the brush on a landowner's property. The brush was thick and hard to see through. Garcia and Fagg found a deer's carcass and were about to examine it when a shot rang out from behind them. A man about 50 yards outside the brush had fired a shot in their direction from a 30.06 rifle. The bullet fragmented. A small portion struck Garcia in the knee and unknown debris struck Fagg in the side of the face. The shooter said he didn't see anything, but he had heard a "rustling noise." The man was charged with deadly conduct and taken to the Goliad County Jail. The game wardens were shaken up but otherwise OK.

As reported in the Lone Star Outdoor News

Actual Fashion Question
 

You didn't get his Christmas card?

Game Warden Blotter
 

I hope spanky doesn't see this and get ideas.

Actual Fashion Question
 

2. Did you notice you can see a nipple in the shot?

Christmas Day Night
 

It doesn't matter Hank. In the morning, I shall be sober...