Death Question
 

My only input on this stuff is:

Mourning practices have always been, and really should remain, highly ritualized because of exactly the kind of confusion you are having. In moments of high stress and emotion, people cannot be trusted to "figure it out" as they go along, so they need set rituals to rely on get everyone through the event it in one piece without disaster or break down. None of this can start until you hear of a death, however, and relying on "through the grapevine" news could have nasty consequences if it is wrong. If you can confirm that Al's mother died, that is one thing, but don't do anything until you hear for sure.

Confirm when (or if) callers are welcome before visiting, because there are probably "acceptable" times, whether those are established by the relevant traditions or otherwise. Do not show up entirely unannounced or unexpected - the bereaved shouldn't have to play host to you at your whim. With any luck at all, there will be someone not immediately related helping to coordinate this for the family and generally acting as a buffer between them and everyone else, hand out work assignments and gently send excess people on their way before their presence stresses out the family.

If you do visit, bring freezable main-course food, be prepared to answer phones/cook/clean/whatever while staying out of the family's hair, and also be prepared to leave quickly so they don't feel like they need to entertain you (or think up something for you to do). Offering to help deal with other callers (bringing food & drink for them, making chit chat when the family doesn't want deal with them) can be useful if no one else is doing it (see above).

Whether you stop by, or call, or not, send a handwritten note (not a card - the idea that sympathy for death could ever be conveyed by commercial sentiments is abhorrent). They may not read them for quite a long while, but the written expresison of sympathy and admiration for the deceased will be of lasting comfort. That is another thing acquaintances who want to be useful can offer to do: catalog the condolences and send quick acknowledgement notes to senders, so the bereaved don't have to deal with it themselves immediately and don't feel rude for letting acknowledgements wait. If they're up to it, the most efficient and graceful way to do this is to prepare hand written acknowledgements for family members to just sign themselves - that way they don't necessarily have to do their own handwritten follow up later.

edited because my sentences are too long and stop making sense.

The Infamous Cover Letter
 

Now it's in the Smoking Gun, and they provide an update:

When TSG caught up with him, [he] said he was not embarrassed by the letter and had good relationships with his mother and girlfriend, though Mom ribbed him, "So, you're not gonna come to my funeral?"

As word of his letter ricocheted through the legal community this week, [he] began receiving phone messages and e-mails offering criticism and job interviews. While [he] said the "vast majority" of the feedback has been negative, "I don't care if everybody hates me, I only have to get one job."

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/mstoll1.html

Death Question
 

(Black ink. Use black ink. And this is a good time to realize why adult human beings should have personal stationery that doesn't have flowers or waterfalls or Tweety Bird on it.)

A related question for the board: It is my practice, in expressing condolences, to say or write "You're in my family's prayers" even if the bereaved is not known to be religious or spiritual* in any way, unless on previous occasions the bereaved has expressly denounced all religion practiced by me and others as hokum. In other words, if I know a person doesn't believe in any kind of god, but seems not to be contemptuous of others who do, I tell them I'll be praying for them. In times of extreme crisis, this is almost always gratefully received to all outward appearances, but I thought I would check in --- am I being offensively pious? "You'll be in my thoughts" never seems like enough.

*I do not acknowledge that there is any difference between these two words, but use both because I know some people think of themselves as the latter but not the former.

I seem to recall that something like this is the case, but the long-standing "clear 'em out so new ones can move in" laws are in conflict with the historic preservation laws covering some cemetaries, and I don't know how that is being balanced.

Friendster?
 

Death Question
 

I'm fairly rabidly anti-religion, and I see nothing offensive in it at all. The fact that you are including me in your prayers, while being of limited actual utility, means that I and my plight are in your mind, and that you are applying what you see as an important resource to my troubles, and that you care.

(And, it's certainly better than saying "NOW don't you wish you believed in God?")

Friendster?
 

Yes.

Of course not.

The fakesters are/were entertaining.

Even(in case anyone cares, ACL has started in Zilker Park and it sounds great)Odds

ACLster?
 

You are truly evil. You're lucky your ass is so good.

Friendster?
 

Who?

(Edited to add, so as to not look quite so stoopid - "who" as in "who's playing at ACL", not "who is ACL?")

The Infamous Cover Letter
 

how long until his picture makes it into Merriam-Webster's next to "tool" (n.)?

Friday ketchup
 

So I get my internet access back to find that the FB is all about death, sex, sewage, and kayaking jokes. As usual, that is.

As for the hurricane, we were really lucky -- 12 hour interruption in cable service is the worst that happened. No trees down on our block (but lots of branches), no roof or basement leaks, no property damage at all, no power loss, no water safety issues. In light of the problems throughout the region, the number of old growth trees on my street, and the overall ricketiness of my old house, this is remarkable.

So I have a lot to be happy about, but the death discussion is making me incredibly sad. My mother died the day after a hurricane, so that the discussion is taking place today is particularly eerie. All I can add to the very thoughtful advice that has already been posted is that if you do confirm that his mother did in fact die, be very sure to acknowledge it, even if he is not a terribly close acquaintance. I remember being deeply hurt that not one person from a group of friends that I met through my college roommate even bothered to send a note. Although I was not very close to them -- we really just partied together -- they had been to party at my house and had met my mother just a few months previously, and they knew that she had been ill for a long time.

Now, to bring the conversation back where it belongs, I did fuck one of the guys in the group, and he was great looking, with a huge, beautiful cock, but not the best lay of my life by a long shot. (That title is reserved for the short, swarthy, average-dicked Ivy Leaguer with the big vocabulary. He was MOT, by the way, and I just want to say that in my personal experience, the Jewish guys have been the best in bed.)

My mother is now turning in her grave -- she loved my irreverence, but really hated foul language.

I M MOTIVATED
 

Geez, I am really happy now. I finally got an expense reimbursement check where they didn't deduct "in room movies."

At this hotel, I chose the 21.99 for 24 hour option and instead of saying "In-room movies" on the bill (none of them say "Nothing but teen-nymph facials" or "Love, American Bukkake Style" anymore) it said "Guest Services"

ACLster?
 

My ass is on the sofa awaiting the arrival of the OM so we can head down. Being able to hear it from my house hurts me far more than it hurts you.

And for the ACL-impaired Bilmore, it is the Austin City Limits Music Festival.

Edited to add: right now, Cody ChesnuTT. Overall, there are some great acts. For example, this afternoon is Charlie Hunter (at 4 pm), followed by Galactic (at 5).

It's very Austin-y music. About 130 bands, lots of singer songwriters, plus some of my faves like Karl Denson's Tiny Universe, Soulive, Los Lobos, the Rev. Al Green, etc. And then some shows I really want to see like Jack Johnson and Ben Harper.

Friday ketchup
 

Hey. Hot pictures. Don't forget the hot pics.

nfh personal k
 

What is wrong with you?
Why do you keep saying that?

Friday ketchup
 

That's the sex part. At least in my mind.

Friday ketchup
 

OK then.

nfh personal k
 

He's obsessed with gay men?

NTTAWWT

in elaine voice: GET OUT!
 

Did you really? I thought she was fantastic. And I never gave her any credit as an actress. (Maybe it was my low expectations that made me think she was good.) She always plays such cutesy types (Meg Ryan syndrome).

Can you tell me what you didn't like about her performance?

TM

nfh personal k
 

Same question I asked Stick Shifter. Why?

nfh personal k
 

I do need a haircut.

in elaine voice: GET OUT!
 

It was a little over the top. It looked forced in all scenes. She never really looked like she was turned on by Billy Bob (not that I blame her) and the sex scene was meh. Due to the fact the she never really seems at all attracted to him.
Maybe it was the directors fault - mostly it was just the over acting.

nfh personal k
 

And an attitude adjustment, young man.

Friday ketchup
 

Noted. No "yo mama" jokes for you.
















How's your sister's health?

TM

ACLster?
 

Ben's playing well this time around. Spends some time in the chair, some time standing up, and a little bit of wandering around while other people play. He's got a good Marvin Gaye bit in the middle of the set.

But Jack Johnson is about as interesting as watching flies fuck. He and his band seem like nice guys, but have all the personality of a pile of lumber. Add to that the fact that every JJ song has exactly the same chord progression and that the guy is physically incapable of singing in anything but that sort of lazy just-about-to-fall-asleep tone of voice, and you're in for one dull 90 minutes. Bring a good book or your Travel Scrabble or something to kill time 'til Ben.

Death Question
 

I tend to use "thoughts and prayers" for mostly the same reasons. Anyone not given to prayer and not given to rabid hatred of all religion will usually take it as a standard expression not to be subjected to too much literal scrutiny. Anyone given to prayer will be consoled that we are praying. If I know of anti-religious sentiment, I just say "thoughts," and I haven't yet had anyone surprise me upon receiving a condolence note with as yet unsuspected rabid anti-religiosity so far.

In one case where I knew of rigid atheism, but I didn't know enough about the deceased to say much of anything beyond "bummer," I think I said something like "our heart goes out to you, please know you are in our thoughts at this difficult time" or something like that so it didn't seem quite so bare.

Condolence notes are like thank you notes, birthday/anniversary notes and invitations: once you have a model, just change the names and fill in the blank left for the one specific reference necessary to make it personal. People forget that writing a condolence (or thank you) note is extremely easy, and takes significantly less time that getting a card anyhow.

BRC's Model Condolence Note, for any and all occasions:

"Dear _________,

I was so [shocked and] saddened to hear of your loss. [I] [The Mr.] [My Mother] always remember fondly [your stories of] [___insert some specific thing you either witnessed or heard the addressee say about the deceased ____]. [If the deceased was universally hated, replace the preceding sentence with "_______ had such a strong influence on all who knew him." If the deceased was a wallflower and made no impression on anyone, replace with "________ was always a calm eye in the storm of our day-to-day existence." If all else fails, or in addition, use the ambiguous "I can only express my sincere sympathy for what you must feel."] Please know that you are in the Mr.'s and my thoughts [and prayers].

Sincerely yours,
BRC"

in elaine voice: GET OUT!
 

I disagree completely. She didn't look like she was forcing anything in that role to me. And I definitely don't see the over acting.

And she wasn't supposed to look like she was turned on by Billy Bob in the sex scene. That was the point of the scene. She just wanted someone to make her feel good because she was having such a hard time. It wasn't about any attraction to him on her part. He was in the right place at the right time.

TM

nfh personal k
 

Go drink some breast milk, mammal.

ACLster?
 

I'll be attending the Wilco concert tomorrow night. * Anyone jealous?

*This sentence just reminded me of Stephan Marbury's "I will be attending the University of Georgia Tech" statement...

ACLster?
 

They are not playing together. In fact, they may be playing different days. I am just curious to see JJ to see what a one-man jam band looks like.

The great thing about ACL is the 8 stages, so when we get bored like at Topaz, G Love, and some rock band with dudes from Nirvana, you just stroll to the next venue.

in elaine voice: GET OUT!
 

She was perfect in "The Last Boy Scout"* though.

*Moving up on my bad movies that are fun to watch list, but not coming near any movie with Patrick Swayze.

nfh personal k
 

Not that I need to explain anything, particularly since my joke was not directed at you, but the reason why SS goes on about the gay man thing or ltl goes on about your grandparents' sex life is that you act like it bothers you. I'm not gonna take offense if TM includes hottie in a disproportionate number of posts because that's what people do for amusement (their own or others') on internet boards. I thought that went without saying. Sorta a common sense thing.

nfh personal k
 

Fuck. There's a new rule and nobody announced it?

nfh personal k
 

Hey, I'm OK, you're OK. I'm all about moral relativism.

Whether you are or not, I really don't care. But your online persona for your nfh sock comes across more as gay male than straight female. The only thing you've said that would lead me to believe otherwise is something about belonging to a sorority. But then I also believe you're on the West Coast, and things may be different there.

nfh personal k
 

You mean you can do reptile to mammal shape shifting but can't quite make it to Homo Californiass?

OK, I can believe that.

nfh personal k
 

OK, fair enough.
But when I see the gay man joke, I think to myself OMG, not again. But I have to respond. I guess that's my OCD, and knowing that responding will perpetuate it now, I will try to be less bothered by it.

nfh personal k
 

We control the studios. Do we need to control the greek system as well?

(as if we don't already, tee hee)

Hooking up
 

http://www.cnn.com/2003/LAW/09/19/oa....ap/index.html

"OAKLAND, California (AP) -- After nearly four months of deliberations, exhausted jurors said they remained hopelessly deadlocked in the trial of three former Oakland police officers charged with beating suspects and lying on police reports.

The statement Thursday came a year to the day after testimony in the case began. The seven-man, five-woman jury has deliberated since May 29, when the judge gave them 122 pages of instructions. "


I wonder if any of the jurors hooked up with one another. It doesn't say that they were sequestered and I don't recall hearing that anywhere but that doesn't mean that some of them haven't or aren't getting closer to one another. It would be interesting to find out that there were a couple of jurors fucking around who didn't want the case to end and were the holdouts.

And how does a law student sit on a jury for a year -- I seem to recall attending at least some classes to get that piece of paper.

nfh personal k
 

Ok, I'm down with that - as long as my gay male persona continues to have good taste in men.
Just an FYI, FWIW and I know you know and it was just a snarky comment but, there are no gay men in sororities - even on the west coast. That I know of.

nfh personal k
 

A pity. It could be so . . . camp.