Montessori
 

At least in our school (SF/SV area) I haven't seen a big push for meds among the grade school boys (the older child is in 5th grade and I am unaware of any children in the school taking meds, although it may be blissful ignorance on my part).

There is, though, a huge emphasis on intervention for any kind of small learning disability. Speech, handwriting, dyslexia . . . any sort of minor issue becomes grounds for special classes with the speech therapist, reading counselor, etc. etc.

There are pluses and minuses to the approach. The school does make sure no child falls between the cracks, if at all possible.

But this is a school district that prides itself on extraordinary performance in state tests; and it seems that there is no room for a little variation on skills, and an unwillingness to let children grow out of problems themselves.

There is an odd dynamic when one spends $1M or so for a house in the "right" school district. A lot of expectations come into the public schools, starting with the kinders and ramping up through the high schools.

Montessori
 

I think studies go several different ways, and that the art of diagnosis is critical to the whole effort.

There are different types of ADD and ADHD, and ritalin impacts them differently. ADHD is often linked with other issues, like dyslexia. The average physician doing diagnoses probably can't tell the difference (our kid needed multiple batteries of tests at one of the top teaching hospitals anywhere to get a full and accurate diagnosis, and that diagnosis differed materially from what the very good doctors said was their initial impression after the first examination; the average kid prescribed ritalin would get it after an examination more cursory than our kids' first exam). Most of the studies came before physicians understood the differences, and most don't take account of them. Many of them were sponsored by pharmaceutical companies.

So I think ritalin has been oversold, but I also think there are clearly some cases where it has an important impact. Indeed, when properly diagnosed and prescribed to the right candidates, I believe the success rates are phenomenal.

But a big problem here is providing the level of care that kids should have; the study of ADHD has changed dramatically over the last few years, and it takes literally thousands of dollars of work per child to get a good diagnosis. The health system's approach, however, is to say, Ritalin's cheap, it works for a bunch of 'em, put them on it and see how they do. (And, by the way, it will make all of them easier to handle on the surface, so it works for an overburdened teacher/parent/etc., but that easier to handle kid may now be in a fog instead of having sudden clarity when they are trying to learn).

(Note: our kid, who has ADHD linked with dyslexia -- as well as a high genius IQ, which often goes with those combinations -- isn't on ritalin though some of the first folks who assessed said kid wanted to prescribe it -- what was really needed was some teacher behavior modification and some extra attention and support).

Montessori
 

they aren't on payroll as in fulltime, hired for the consult only. but they are being paid school $$ when doing this.

I think designating as adhd doesn't carry much real service obligations- just line 'em up to go to office for pills once a day. the more intensive special ed is something parents fight for, and schools resist. lots of parents fight for this type spec. ed to avoid the pills solution.

Montessori
 

Absolutely. I don't disagree with anything you said. My only point was that in those cases where there REALLY IS a kid with the condition, it is important to consider medication. And that when medication is properly prescribed (meaning, for a kid that actually suffers from ADD), there are potential harms in NOT giving it to him/her.

Who would disagree with the idea that unnecessary medication is a bad thing? I certainly didn't intend to convey that message, and I certainly am not the opinion that Ritalin should be passed out like candy.

Montessori
 

There should be considerable service obligations, and there are in Massachusetts, where we are.

If the attention span issues mean that a kid misses significant parts of lessons, they likely need some one-on-one or small group time to make up for it. Some schools will argue the ritalin takes care of this -- it doesn't, and if the kid taking it has one of the ADHD forms that doesn't respond to Ritalin, it may be worse. An increasing number of physicians will literally prescribe special assistance before dispensing Ritalin. In our school district, an ADHD diagnosis gets the kid a mix of one-on-one and small group out-of-the-classroom assistance. That is not cheap for the school districts.

And most times, diagnoses like this are going to be covered by health insurance instead of the parents or schools, unless you do what we did and bring in specialists, in which case the parents pay.

Montessori
 

I didn't read you that way; my objections were mostly to Atticus' approach, which I read as overdiscounting the potential for drugs to do good, but I also read you as putting too much weight in the studies and the last fifty years of experience. My experience has led me to believe that the first forty of those fifty years were terribly unproductive!

Montessori
 

Your parents have two lawyers? I'm sorry.

Montessori
 

Perhaps I am dense here, but what makes you think that?

Montessori
 

I don't discount the ability of drugs to do wonders for kids with severe diagnoses. Last I heard, neither ADD nor ADHD were simply a yes/no proposition. I would hope the degree would play a role in the medication process, too. I used the term "unmanageable" for a reason.

I think I shared on the other board my sister's experience with a parent who pulled her son off Ritalin for the achievement portion of an achievement/aptitude disparity test, and put him back on for the aptitude portion. She chemically created a 20 percentile disparity, making her son eligible for additional district funding. That story left a bad taste in my mouth that has affected my views on the role of medication.

Montessori
 

Or did she avoid chemically masking a 20% or greater disparity?

Probably the accurate test, if being used soley for purposes of diagnosing need for support, would be entirely w/o Ritalin, or would be both with and without. The problem is that if it is an achievement/aptitude test they are probably not just using it for diagnostic purposes but for all kinds of other purposes (curriculum development, school funding, advancement, etc.).

But the more critical and disturbing issue here is not the behavior of the individual mother but the behavior of the school district! Why the hell would a school district deny the service that might help the kid get off Ritalin at some point because the Ritalin masks the issues; this kid has not had their problem solved, the drug is just helping to manage it so they can keep learning, and the kid still needs the support. This the kind of behavior on the school districts' part that has turned serving people with learning disabilities into a game where the school tries to find ways to deny benefits while the parents try to find ways to get benefits.

When this happens in our own school district, and it does all the time, we just reach into our back pockets and go out and buy the support. But most families can't do that.

Babies and Cats
 

I've had Vietbabe home now for 9 months and have not had a problem until now. First, the cat (male, neutered, declawed) went into the nursery, jumped up on the dressing table and peed on the diaper changing thing. I didn't see him do it but smelled it when I went in. It was no big deal b/c I wasn't using the table anymore - I change her on a towel on the bed in the nursery. So I ditched it.

But then he did it right where I change her on the bed. Not a fun thing to change the whole bed and buy a rubber mattress cover and now have to keep the door closed all the time. Looks like I forgot once and he did it again. Had to clean all the stuff again while schlepping the baby up and down the stairs to the laundry.

Now - he is peeing downstairs in the living room on the blankets the baby and I cuddle in. I washed them all and now keep them in a closet. But he always finds something to pee on. He must smell the baby's urine and think that's the place to pee. Have not changed his litterbox place - it's the same.

I'm calling the Vet but I'm wondering if anyone else had this problem and what they did about that. I don't have time to follow him around and "catch him in the act." Should I wait for the baby to take a nap and then put a pee pee diaper in the living room and when he goes towards it to sniff, rush him down to his litterbox? Tonight I did the thing that everyone says doesn't work -- the after-the-fact, put kitty's nose in his pee and then take him to his litterbox while yelling. What sucked was I had him on one hip, the baby on the other, and a blanket covered with cat pee pee, running down to the basement. It really sucked. I don't want to give up this cat but will if I have to. He likes the baby; always has and has never before had a problem and I have not changed any routines in the house. He's 3 1/2 years old.

Thanks.

VietMom

Montessori
 

His lack of a decent job made me think that he might be a lawyer (some of us make the argument that this is not a decent job).

Cat Pee
 

Hi Legl. Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, there are no doors on the bottom floor of the house, except for the basement door. I am, like you said, keeping all the blankets in a closet. In fact, this morning, Vietbabe and me hung around at 6 am in the chilly living room unable to cuddle in a blanket because the cat would piss on us. Lo and behold, he came in and decided to piss anyway directly on a fabric chair right in front of me.

What a fun morning. The positive is that I "caught him in the act" and did what you said - "No!" and took him to the litter box. The negative is that I had to chase him first which took me upstairs leaving Vietbabe downstairs which is not safe. Then I had to bring him to the basement, leaving Vietbabe upstairs with the basement door open which is even less safe. I called the Vet and have an appointment but I'm not going to be able to do too many "training seminars" with the cat. It's too risky for the baby.

You're right - it looks like he wasn't bothered before by anything but he is now. I don't know why -- he still sleeps with me at night and I play with him as before. I hope he is a quick study with behavior modification. He's already peed in the crib. That is absolutely nasty and unacceptable. I keep the nursery door closed now but he's peeing everywhere else. This really sucks. I love the cat but can't live like this!!

BTW - the "after the fact" punishment I gave him last night wasn't really as bad as I described. I brushed the blanket he had peed on onto his face, but is was a soft fleece and the blanket was dry, and I dropped him into his litterbox. I did yell, but not very loud. Otherwise I'd upset the Babe. He wasn't even perturbed. It wasn't like those scenes with the person digging the cat's face in his poo - I agree that stuff is cruel (and utterly useless). Will not do anything like that again. But I will give him up before my baby is lying around in cat pee all over the house.

Sorry for the two long messages, and for ranting. I'm obviously upset. And I'm realizing this is probably not going to get too much better and I'm going to be forced to give him up.

Viet_Mom

Babies and Cats
 

First, I second everything Leagle said - the cat is upset and can't tell you. I wouldn't use the term "jealous" because I don't think they are capable of jealousy or spitefulness in the way that people are that way.

There are several other things you can try. Getting the cat to associate the baby with a favorite toy or treats might help - whenever the baby is around, kitty gets a snack from the baby. The cat may put on some weight, but it might be worth it.

Another thing is that cats will not pee near their own food. Placing small paper plates around where you have put the baby/changed the baby might (and also where you have previously cleaned the cat pee - with enzyme cleaner) b e enough to make him go in his box. Of course you will have little plates of cat food all over for a couple weeks, but it can't hurt.

I don't know about fussing at the cat once he is caught "in the act" - if he wants more attention from you, this may be enforcing the behavior, just a thought.

Lastly, you may need to "retrain" the cat to use his box. Put the cat in a very small bathroom with the box, food, some toys, his bed - whatever he needs and keep him in there for a week or two, cleaning the box often. He likely will not pee out of the box because the space is too small and he won't want to be near where he pees. Then begin letting him out for an hour or so at a time, until he is out all the time. I would add that you should go in to visit alone but could also could bring the baby in, at which time he gets some extra yummy food - break out the fancy feast.

Adding another litter box or two might do the trick also - in fact, I would add another box no matter what I tried - sometimes they like having a choice.

Hope this helps.

-TL

Montessori
 

Not sure if anyone has responded to this but I am a big fan of Montessori - and my little babywhateverhewantstobe is currently attending Montessori preschool. Why am I such a big fan? Well, I love the idea of allowing a child to grow at his/her own pace, rather than within a rigid guideline. When I was young and in public school - I was called a problem child ... because I would finish my work and then proceed to disturb the other children. It wasn't until my parents removed me from what was a very good public school (the principle didn't think I was a problem, just not being challenged) and placed me in a learning environment where there was sufficient academic challenge, that I was able to drop that moniker. Another member of my family who has some learning disabilities/developmental delays (adopted from mom who used drugs) did wonderfully in Montessori because although em had delays with reading, em's math skills were quite advanced.

I totally understand about the concern of spending on school with a stay at home mom - but the 2.5 a day is worth it. Another perk - you will love the self control em will learn form the other students and you will adore when em says, please don't touch my work!

ML

okay - So now that i have read further LOTS of people have responded - but I still stand by my statements. carry on!

Montessori
 

I went from age 1.5 (two half-days a week) until I started either kindergarten or first grade. I loved it and I think it contributed greatly to forming the stellar person I am today.

Food for thought.

Montessori
 

What if I want to form a stellar person who plays nicely with others?

{Ducking.}

Montessori
 

No need to duck, goose. That was my point. And if I had ever actually played with you, you would have a much better opinion of my playing skills.

Now I feel all icky having alluded to sex on the parents board.

Montessori
 

Oh, Jesus. I whiffed on the fucking Parents Board?

Montessori
 

With the exception of viet_mom, the fact that we are parents is direct evidence that each of us has had sex at least once. I don't think there is nearly so reliable an indicator for other boards.

Montessori
 

Confidential to fringey: Most parents have had sex.

And because I am a helper but not a parent, I will post a link to an article about Gen X parents on the lawyers with kids board: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/200...nts/index.html

Enjoy.

Montessori
 

Yes, but the fact that they now have children may indicate that sexual activity has taken a nosedive. And they might get jealous.

Plus, I have never really bought into that connection between sex and children. I think it's a myth. The stork explanation is much more believable.

Montessori
 

so the unstructured Monterrosi school leads to meds and being a tax attorney?

Montessori
 

Enough with the insults. I am not a tax attorney.

On a side note, your moniker really makes me think of things leaking in an unpleasant way. Blech.

Montessori
 

Hilarious thought to end a great night with.

I will give you this: there is a benefit to single parenthood. After an exhausting day of collecting cat pee from the litterbox for urinalysis testing, chasing the cat around to get him to the vet, doing 5 loads of laundry, and a full work day, I can eat peanut butter sandwiches for dinner and when the day is done, I don't have to put out (NTTAWWT).

BTW - I have discovered an incredible method to displace desitin/A&D and other such icky stuff that ends up in your fingernails for days. (Ever gone to a client lunch and discovered you have zinc oxide stuff caught in your nails?). It's called Rash Mist. Not to be used if there is already diaper rash (you'd need a better barrier). You spray it on a few inches from the spot and it covers the area beautifully. Here it is: (use the spray form) http://www.petkin.com/html/body_skincare.html

Newbie's question
 

Hi, first time poster. This seemed the place for my question:

When do I tell my firm that I've caught pregnant and schedule maternity leave? I'm only 10 weeks along, but since I'm spending a good hour of each working day puking my guts up and a significant portion of the rest dozing off, they'll probably cotton on eventually.

After I've gotten that cleared up, I'll be back with my "now that I've told them, what should I do about the senior partners looking at me like I've got leprosy" question.

Thanks,

Trepidation Mom

Newbie's question
 

"Caught pregnant"? That's rich.

Never had to do this personally, as I am XY, but etiquette dictates that you have no obligation to announce your expectancy to anybody until you're well and through with the first trimester.* Anybody who asks "What, are you pregnant or something?" while you're puking into your trashcan is not entitled to an answer. In one of nature's many cruel ironies, this tends to coincide with the exact moment in pregnancy when you generally stop puking in your trashcan. That answers the "when" question.

Anyone who tries to "guess" should be given a cold or exasperated look. Anyone who later complains that you "should have" told them earlier can be cut short by saying that in your family you never tell anyone in the first trimester, and refuse to explain why. Hopefully, this will embarass them into silence.

*Of course, you want to be the first person to tell your boss, so if you want this to be a secret until the beginning of Trimester Two, don't tell anyone who has contact with your workplace.

Newbie's question
 

Thanks, but I had the general etiquette point figured out. I was wondering, more as a practical matter, how much lead-time firms expect for maternity leave, and when others broke the (no doubt devastating) news that they would be vanishing for a few months in the forseeable future.

Any thoughts on whether I should just march into HR to schedule the time or break the sad news of my fertility and evident lack of dedication to the partners I work for first would also be very welcome.

(I work in M&A so, while I expect a certain amount of credit for "good timing" since the market is still slow, I do not expect the people I work for to be amused in their heart of hearts. I am fairly senior and valuable, but in all the time I have worked here - in fact, in all the tales I've heard of the time before I started - no woman in my department has ever given birth and come back. I plan to.)

Thanks,
Trepidation Mom

Newbie's question
 

First, I forgot to say, congratulations.

Second, I'll leave it to people with FHK to tell you their experiences on exact timing, but I would say definitely tell the partners you work for first. Telling HR first makes it seem like it's something to be embarrassed about, or that you're hoping they won't notice you're gone.

Newbie's question
 

Congratulations!

Tell the partners first (before HR) and assure them you intend to return to work. I am guessing the more informed they are about your plans, dates, etc., the better they will feel about the whole thing. Having a plan of action to present to them (even if it changes later) will probably sit well and demomstrate that you care about your job/the firm, etc. and intend to make the transitions as smoothly as you can for them. Perhaps bring up the idea of doing a (very) limited amount of work at home, etc.

You have no obligation to tell anyone until you are into your second trimester, however. It's really sad that anyone has to dread telling their employer, but that's just how it is at many jobs. I am 34wks with #1, but I went contract with my firm this year and only work for them when I want, to supplement outside income - so not the same situation at all.

And for the puking - I got good advice some weeks ago, but try lemonade - it was the only thing I could keep down for awhile. That and cheese cubes. Others swear by those seasickness wristbands - you might want to check them out.

-TL

Newbie's question
 

Congratulations!

baltspouse, who is also an attorney, told her firm at about 15 weeks. She told her immediately supervising partner first, followed by the rest of the partners she works with by morning's end, capping it with an anouncement to everyone else during the previously scheduled lunchtime staff meeting. I have no idea when she spoke to HR. The timing at my firm was similar; we coordinated to announce on the same day because, well, it's not that big a legal community, and people - in particular, secretaries - talk.

I think what is key though is your attitude toward the whole thing. You are likely considering giving them at least 20 weeks notice. That is plenty of time for them to figure out how they are going to handle the situation, and for you to help them come up with a plan. Make no apologies for being pregnant. Keep your files up to date and create and keep up status memos (baltspouse went home from work one day at about 29 weeks and finally made it back into the office just under seven months later - she was put on strict bedrest in the middle of the night [everything was okay, eventually]). And when the time comes to go, just tell the appropriate people and and walk out the door. Don't even give them a chance to resent that you aren't there.

As long as you keep your co-workers informed, you shouldn't have problems coming back. Of course, if your boss is 60, on his third marriage, doesn't speak to his daughter and communicates with his son only by yelling, YMMV.

HR needs very little lead time. It's not like they will be involved with anything but your paycheck and benefits anyway. Lots of folks leave the decision on when leave will start until much later anyway.

Definitely tell the folks you work with first. They're the ones (in your workplace) who will feel the impact, and who deserve to know first. I wouldn't limit it to partners either, though I'd go to them first: If there are midlevel or jr associates who get much of their work through you, your leave will make a big difference to them, too.

As to when, most people in my office seem to wait until around 4 mo.; very few say anything before 12-13 wks. except to close friends.

Congrats, and good luck!

Newbie's question
 

Concur with most of the advice you've gotten here.

Tell when you feel like it. I told my managing partner first, then the partner I did most of my work for. I asked both not to tell for 2-3 weeks as I was awaiting the results of CVS testing. After CVS testing, I went office to office telling other partners, then other associates, then staff.

No one treated me as if I had leprosy, although as I grew larger, the partner I worked most closely with started telling me to go home pretty early every day. I was happy to oblige.

I do M&A too. As you get closer to your due date, you'llhave to determine if you'll be bale to do certain deals without leaving anyone high and dry. Don't forget that you'll still have a phone and email even after you deliver.

And tell them you plan to come back. For some reason, people seemed to care...

Newbie's question
 

As others have said, congrats.

I agree with the advice so far: tell your closest partners first, wait until you are at a point in your pregnancy (i.e., after first trimester, or even after the 18 week ultrasound) when it is usually customary to spill the beans; and don't be apologetic.

A personal anecdote: I faced a similar dilemma with no. 2: in my case I had an out-of-state trial scheduled for a month before my due date. Absent that factor, I would have waited until my suits didn't fit anymore; as it was, I went to the partner I worked most closely with as soon as I was past the first trimester mark, told him I had good news and bad news, and just spit it out. Unless you work for absolute monsters, people will be happy for you on some level (they all have kids, right?). I don't know how many hairs this partner tore out after I left his office, but he was (and has continued to be) very supportive, and I think appreciated the advance notice.

In all events, be confident about this, and communicate that you have a plan for how to handle or delegate whatever is on the horizon. If you keep talking to folks throughout about what should be delegated during your leave and what you will handle when you return, it will also help them believe that you intend to come back.

its anxiety-provoking to be the first in a situation like this, but if you handle it calmly and professionally, you should be fine. good luck!

adventures in babysitting
 

How much do you pay babysitters? What time is included? And do you feel an obligation to provide dinner if they'll be there at that hour? If so, is pizza an OK dinner?

adventures in babysitting
 

I'll channel you into the thoughts of one of the biggest $$ generators here, (Not Calif.) my kid.,

My kid is just starting- $$ range from 6-10/hour going down as the number of hours increases. that is, running out for an hour 10$- going out for 6 hours , 7$ might be okay, but not NYE which requires a bigtime premium.

The best babysitter lives across the street so you don't have to drunk drive her home, but you should pay for her door-back to her door time. You must provide dinner/ and snacks. If you hire my daughter pizza is okay, I think absent some dietary thing this would be true of most.

This American Life has a hilarious story about babysitting food. if you download old ones and are interested let me know and I'll give episode detail.

adventures in babysitting
 

And if you cancel at the last minute, you have to pay them for the time you would have been out. I have to say I got paid in excess of $5/hr 15 years ago in the boonies so I'm surprised you people can get away with $7/hr. Add an additional $1 to $2 per hour for each child in excess of one. The babysitter should be told s/he may eat anything in the kitchen and should definitely be provided food if s/he will be at your house during the dinner hour. Ideally, you could ask ahead of time what s/he would like (or at least preferred toppings). I think I generally used to be left "real" food by my most preferred customers, and would be told to make kraft mac & cheese for the kids. If you do not have kid-friendly snacks in your house, buy some and leave them on the counter or whatever. GOD I hated babysitting for people who only had crappy (meaning healthy and boring) food in the house. I tended not to be as available for last-minute or extra-hours help for such people, if I continued caring for their kids at all.

adventures in babysitting
 

Around SV rates tend to be higher. It varies by (a) the experience and age of the sitter and (b) level of responsibility. All of our sitters get paid for the time they are actually at the house, but calculated generously so they are never shortchanged.

For college student and up - $16/hour, but it is expected that they will have a car, current driver's license, CPR training, ALWAYS show up on time, etc. These are the people you hire for regular gigs (say, shuttling to afternoon lessons one day a week). No food required at that pay level.

For 11-13 year olds that are at the house under controlled conditions (say parents are half a block away or otherwise readily accessible), $8/hour and yes, food. Pizza is popular if it is delivered.

For 14-18 year olds with a bit more to offer - say, help with homework, more responsibility if there is an accident, a little prep on the food front, $8-12/hour. Food yes.

Internet access is a bonus for the teenage sitters; and a couple decent DVDs that all can watch.

adventures in babysitting
 

We pay $8/hr in the burbs for a H.S. junior to watch one kid. She drives herself (in a much nicer car than I own, BTW). I don't generally pay her for the 12 mins. each way it takes to get here, but we tend to round up favorably if we've had wine with dinner and are less able to work out the math. She doesn't complain.

We've been paying $15/hour for an adult type, but that's for two small kids, one under the age of one.