Presumptive Assholes
 

A penis. B 'n B has outed itself as a hermaphrodite. Or Jamie Lee Curtis.

Presumptive Assholes
 

Now, that's good lawyering--the kind of argument that knocks the opposition flat. Who the hell could object to that?

Presumptive Assholes
 

Man, sometimes I wish I had a penis. So I could wave it around and scare off the little people. Also so I could pee standing up at sporting events and concerts and bars where the restrooms are really gross.

But no. I don't have a penis. NTTAWWT.

Full, round, artificial breasts
 

See. Things like this expose you for the mean, nasty assclown you truly are beneath your kind, compasionate facade. No fattie is going to be happy with three sausages sitting on the back of his neck. There's no way a fattie could reach them.

Geez, get out more.

Breaking the Paigow Juggernaut
 

Well, in anwer to your first question, yes. This would be much like going to a new restaurant based upon Charlie Trotter's recommendation. If a known master thinks well of something, you tend to give their opinion a bit or credence.

As for taking the word of the American people voting by phone or whatever. Well, let's just say that I firmly believe that Mencken was right when he said nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.

However, what I meant, and I thought it was fairly clear, was that I would never buy an album by somebody based upon the fact that he won on American Idol, or some other crap show. If I heard a cut on the radio, or in a record store, or someone whose taste I know is comparable to mine said "hey, you should check this guy out," then I might buy the disc. But it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that he was on a tv show.

Your Daily Jolie
 

Is that from the prom night episode of Carnivale?

Presumptive Assholes
 

Don't go for it. Breast reduction is never the answer. At least not unless you have serious back problems.

Look at Soleil Moon Frye. At least she used to be a kinda-scary looking chick with no talent but really nice rack.

Your Daily Jolie
 

I think it has a Dynasty, Joan-Collins-raised-from-the-dead-in-2050 sort of appeal.

Who wouldn't want to look like that?

Why Long Island should be nuked
 

Indeed. Carry on.

to avoid confusion
 

http://www.anthonysnyder.com/art/djwwa3_37.gif

It's gotta involve the back of the hand, so you get a taste of the knuckles.

Thurgreed(And you've been bitch-slapped all over this board on a number of occassions)Marshall

Breaking the Paigow Juggernaut
 

If true, you are unique. Most people either wouldn't think of American Idol as a negative (unfortunately a high percentage of people), or as such a negative they see the win as poison. The average guy (non-AI jonesed) who hears the song and likes it would still not buy it because the person selling you the CD, and the pretty girl in the car next to you at the red light, and the..., would all think you bought it because of the AI win. Most people are too shallow to go down that road. This is, I think, hypothetical because the guy does suck.

A similar phenomena is where you like an obscure band, and no one has heard of them. then they get some crap song on the radio. People see your CD's, "hey I like them, they did Crap Song."
88% of the obscure band listening country will say "I hate Crap song- I liked obscure band way before, for other reasons."

Why Long Island should be nuked
 

Three words: For her pleasure.

TM

Breaking the Paigow Juggernaut
 

As a follow-up. I have not busted out the Clay Aiken CD. I will note that I also am now the proud owner of the Kelly Clarkson CD. Considering the facts that I don't watch AI and that both CDs were free, I have no qualms about displaying them proudly in my CD collection. Of course if I never remove the shrinkwrap, I'll never know if they are good or bad.


Edit - this was your first indication that taxwonk is unique?

Presumptive Assholes
 

I've seen women pee standing up, though I've never had a frontal view of such. But I've seen them from the back, and I've heard the unmistakable sound of the flow hitting the ground. This is a completely serious post, and wisecracks about the true gender of said people are predictable and not welcome. If you go to enough co-ed soccer tournaments or other sporting events where women are outside in parks all day with disgusting port-o-potties, I'd bet you'd have seen it too. I believe that it just requires a little manipulation and a slight knee bend. Though people around here with a vulva and vagina might be more reliable sources. But based on my eyewitness testimony, and lengthy discussions on the subject with the female friends in question, I believe that (at least some) women can pee standing up, if they're willing to do a little extra work.

Str8

Breaking the Paigow Juggernaut
 

Bitch please!
I took my first Queer Eye baby steps yesterday, by rubbing a CD along the edge of a table to tear the shrink wrap. It scratched the table all up. Thanks a fucking lot Kai. I'm sure I was using the wrong motion, or maybe the wrong type table.

ILT80SB
 

So I've been watching "I Love the '80s Strikes Back" on VH-1, and I'm thinking to myself, "Boy, I bet there were a lot of 'uhs' and 'uhms' from the producers when Boy George showed up for his segment shoot." Horrorshow. He looked like a fat Marilyn Manson with seagull crap running down his head.

He should go to whatever costume/cosmetic rehab clinic saved Elton John from himself in the early '90s. I'll pay.

BTW, my crush on Juliette Lewis is officially over. I'm taking nominations for the now vacant office of Comely Nymph.

sacre blu streak!
 

I curse you and your flair. In french!

Full, round, artificial breasts
 

My view is that people who have multiple surgeries and are unhappy with almost everything on their bodies are obsessed. At that point, I think mmmmm's point is a valid one. People who change their nose, cheeks, chin, breasts, stomach, ass, etc., have issues. They'll always find another problem area because they don't realize that the real problem area is in their brain.

If someone doesn't like their breasts and changes them (sensibly <-- read: not EEE) to fit with what they would prefer to look like, I don't presume that they are obsessed with their bodies. I feel the same about people who workout a lot. But note, I'm not saying that these types of people never have these issues. I'm saying that I'm hard pressed to assume that they do because of the one surgery or the hour a day they workout.

TM

Presumptive Assholes
 

I could while away the hours
just like the Pretty Flower
Sparkin up the bong
And my nuts I'd be scratchin'
While my lust was busy hatchin'
If I only had a schlong

I'd say "hey" to every Betty
by PM or by IM
we would surely get along

With the thoughts I'd let fester
I could be another Lester
If I only had a schlong

Oh I could tell you why
men leave wet towels upon the floor
I could boink poor girls that I'd never boink before
And then I'd sleep
And boink some more

I would not be just a goil
like barely or Olive Oyl
Lip synching to Clay's song

I'd do e/o and do fringey
laugh at Hedwig's Angry Inchy
If I only had a schlong

Gosh it would be awful pleasin'
To not take the blame this season
No matter what went wrong

Then perhaps I'd make some rainin'
do some client entertainin'
If I only had a schlong

Breaking the Paigow Juggernaut
 

That was Jai. Was it a Paul Oakenfold CD? 'Cause it happened to me, too. I'm going to try it again with a Dirty Vegas CD to see if it works this time. I'll let you know.

I'm so glad to have learned that Kyan's real name is "Eddie." It made me sad to think that some parents somewhere gave their son a manly, rugged name like Kyan, only to see him grow up to be a hairdresser.

Breaking the Paigow Juggernaut
 

Do you mean Jai? I haven't seen that tip, so I have no advice for the proper table type.

In other news, the National Enquirer is reporting that <gasp> Matt Lauer did coke a few times in the 80s, putting him in the company of our distinguished leader and every yuppie who had Gorden Gecco as a hero. NBC dismisses the rumor as lies (lies I tell you!). I dismiss it as non-noteworthy.

Presumptive Assholes
 

I had an interesting conversation with a plastic surgeon last year about men versus women and plastic surgery. One of the things that he said was that in general, men are not as articulate about what they want out of surgery as women are. I could immediately point to the top five areas I'd have done if money, risk and a general sense of cheating were eliminated from the equation, and I could explain why I don't like them and what exactly I would want done with them. According to this plastic surgeon, it takes a little while for men to be able to articulate that.

Anyhow, I know quite a few men who've had plastic surgery. Most of them are gay. (And the 23 year old who got his abs sculpted was just lazy with a sugar daddy.)

Presumptive Assholes
 

Sure. But that's not what happened. He said "Women who get implants are a step away from strippers and prostitutes." Then he used strippers as examples of why we should support his theory.

TM

Firm But Fake
 

I would be a lot nicer.

Female Anatomy Timmy
 

Anatomically, the vulva and the labia would be at issue, not the vagina.

Presumptive Assholes
 

You had me up to the first comma. And that's not because I drive a porsche, nttawwt.

mon dieu
 

I am touched by the strength of your heart for me. This post is just for you, Penske. I know that you smile at your desk each time you get a chance to see my flair-covered avatar. Enjoy.

Presumptive Assholes
 

Was I the only one who thought this guy was going to be the hero in that link?

http://www.planetkilmer.com/filmography/tg.jpg

TM

Why Long Island should be nuked
 

Not that I'm doubting you, but cite please? I frankly find this a little surprising. I always figured average height was between 5'5" and 5'7", but maybe they just grow a little taller in the patch.

Presumptive Assholes
 

Translation: I can't wear my new bikini because of my huge penis.

TM

Breaking the Paigow Juggernaut
 

Have the J-Fleck rumors run that dry? And Hillary too?

But, come on, you know there must be some great tales of Katie Couric's debauchery at UVa.

Why Long Island should be nuked
 

I thought it was 5'5" too, but I am happy to hear it is 5'3" cause I never could wear heels that would get me to 5'5". I have noticed that I don't feel like I am looking up at as many women now that I am wearing heels that get me to about 5'3" though.

Most men still tower over me. I have noticed by the way that over all attorneys (and drag queens) tend towards tall.

Presumptive Assholes
 

Carry on.

URGENT -- FB Expert Advice Needed
 

I have a friend (no, really! I do have friends, and the following requests advice for one of them) who is looking to exit gracefully and painlessly (or at least as painlessly as possible) from a quasi relationship with some dude.

They've been dating not so long (a couple of months?) and she's just not all that into him. Not unlike the situation presented here recently by another enquiring mind, the dude's birthday is this weekend and she had made plans to cook him birthday dinner. She's prepared to go through with this (the dinner thing), but thinks it's probably better to just call it off beforehand.

The question... (she acknowledges how junior-high-school this is, but whatever -- I told her I knew the perfect place to get the answer to junior-high-type questions) is, what's her "lead-in"? Just launch into "I don't want to date anymore?"

Board, don't fail me now!!!

Confidential to NFH
 

"Not here to amuse you"

I suggest a new avatar, given the aforementioned quote.

http://www.soniguales.com/fotos/JoePesci.jpg

"Am I a clown? Do I amoose you?"

Breaking the Paigow Juggernaut
 

There's an anal sex joke to be made here, but it would be disrespectful to America's sweetheart and colon health crusader.

Why Long Island should be nuked
 

According to this site - http://www.halls.md/chart/women-height-w.htm -

"The average female American womens height is 163 to164 cm,
which is approximately 64.2 to 64.6 inches,

which is approximately 5 foot - 5 inches tall. (for white females*)."

Oddly they don't seem to make it easy to determine the overall average (including those pesky other races). Not sure why. Also, wouldn't 64.something inches be 5 foot 4 (and something)? I'm no math whiz, but something seems sketchy about those conversions.

Breaking the Paigow Juggernaut
 

I'm assuming barely's mother didn't buy it because he was on the show. I'm assuming she bought it because she heard him perform and liked his voice. The only connection with the show would be that that is where she heard him sing.

It just seemed to me like you were one of those "he doesn't deserve the spotlight because he won that show" types. While I think he is a shitty singer (don't like his boring ballads), I wouldn't avoid his album if I liked his songs simply because he was on the show. That's all.

And I'll help you reach those sausages if you ask nicely.

TM

URGENT -- FB Expert Advice Needed
 

How about something like, "in honor of your birthday, I'd like to give you the greatest gift a person can give to another: the gift of honesty."

Why Long Island should be nuked
 

The chart goes on to suggest that 64.2 to 64.6 inches is shorter for Asian females and taller for black and Hispanic females.

T. (for Timmy) S.