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There is no escaping power dynamics. He's a small, skinny, physically unimposing man. But he's rich and famous. If you're a large man, there's a physical power dynamic. If you're older, you are in danger of exploiting someone who is naïve. If you're famous, you most certainly are taking advantage of people who will do anything to be close to fame. If you're rich or powerful, same thing. At some point you will probably fall into one of these categories if you didn't get married straight out of high school. But the fact that these dynamics are so prevalent is because we have set up our society that places value on men as earners and players and power brokers while we value women in a very different way--for their looks and service. Sexism. Patriarchy. Clearly. To be certain, women value looks too and there are men who value much more than beauty. But that's where things start. It is ridiculous to think that rich, famous, powerful men will cease to take advantage of what makes them attractive to women. And not every situation in which a man is aggressive is unwelcome by women--we can debate whether that desire to control and be aggressive is something we program in men (I tend to think we do) and we can debate why that aggressiveness is attractive to women, but until we move to a place where we have manage to fundamentally change the different ways in which men and women are judged and socialized, these dynamics will always exist. So, I think that Guardian article is a good place to start the conversation. I hope it got Aziz to think about why he expected what he did out of their encounter. And I think the article wasn't a waste of time because it made us all think about where we should draw the lines in our own interactions. But I would prefer to resist the knee-jerk negative reaction to any relationship or encounter in which a power dynamic exists (other than one that is quite clearly a violation in a job setting). TM |
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Do you not believe that certain relationships (even brief ones) come with some level of privacy? If you act poorly in any instance we should all get to hear about it? Obviously with celebrity, you're being paid for giving that up to a certain extent and if you have a lot of one night stands, you should expect your personal business to be shared. But you're talking about this like any bad act or moment of poor judgment is fair game for the world. That's ridiculous. TM |
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https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/o...ht-region&_r=0 TM |
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You're weird. And let me guess, you're going to say that these types of examples don't count, right? TM |
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Apparently I'm obsessed
There is a lot that's interesting in this article as well.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry...ushpmg00000009 TM |
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Dudes should be more aware of their partners during sexytimes. Dudes should check in from time to time to see if she's having a good time. Women should feel comfortable saying "whoa" without having to justify it or give that (consensual) get-it-over-with blowjob. Women should also feel comfortable grabbing the reins and taking over. And dudes should be happy to hand them over. Porn shouldn't be the sole educational tool for sex in this country. This is a really fucking important discussion, but because it's framed in the "famous man fails at fucking reluctant 23-year-old" context, the bigger issue is lost. |
Re: Mother, mother, mother - there's too many of you crying.
So how do we feel about the Stormy Daniels piece where she says Trump is bad in bed relative to Ansari?
Hilarious that Trump paid her to keep quiet years after she gave the interview to In Touch. |
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Re: Mother, mother, mother - there's too many of you crying.
https://static01.nyt.com/images/2017...ster768-v3.jpg
President Obama is 6' 1". He looks an inch taller than Trump. Trump's medical report says he is 239 pounds and 6'3". 239 is 1 pound less than obese for a 6'3" man. There is speculation that the 239 is a lie, but the 6'3" clearly is, alleged to get below that limit. At long last is there nothing that is beyond the need to lie? #Imagirther |
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TM |
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But maybe that's not a consequence worth considering. |
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I will say this, I'm so glad my dating years are well behind me and my husband and I have figured most of our shit out about this stuff. Also: About a year ago, Porn Hub launched a sex education platform on their site. I haven't checked it out (nor do I know if it's still up and running), but in the right hands, it could be an invaluable tool for figuring this shit out in our puritanical society that is so scared of kids having sex we'd rather everyone just have sex wrong instead. Here's an article about it. http://mashable.com/2017/02/01/porn-.../#oAMzeOTxt5qY |
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There's also a difference between your wife and the girl you dated briefly in high school, whom you should probably assume has told her friends whatever you did that was embarrassing in your relationship. |
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Although I guess I should know that from some of what my wife has said about past relationships too. |
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If your argument is that no one should have any expectation of privacy until you are in a very serious relationship, you're fucking crazy. If you're saying that Aziz Ansari should have absolutely no expectation of privacy in any of his relationships without marriage or an NDA (and maybe you're not saying that, but I have nothing to go on), I'd say that's a pretty unfair position. Celebrities surely should have an understanding that there are people out there who want to reveal any and all interactions with them and should probably act in accordance with that understanding. But that doesn't mean that they shouldn't expect some level of privacy with people they are intimate with. TM |
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Jeff Flake
He gets up and he makes these grandiose speeches and blathers on about how democracy won't survive this blah blah blah, and then he does jack shit.* Fucking hypocrite.
*I suppose he donated to Doug Jones, but he has the ability to do something a lot more meaningful if he really believes the words that are coming out of his mouth. |
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I know women who have been raped. I know too many women who have been sexually assaulted. I have schooled friends and acquaintances many, many times on how differently people can react in dangerous situations--and how fighting back isn't always prudent or possible (fear often makes people just freeze) and the lack of it shouldn't be a sign of consent. Similarly, agreeing to sex isn't an automatic green light for the guy (or woman) to do whatever the fuck they want. It is absolutely amazing how many men think that once a woman wants to fuck an athlete it means she can no longer either remove consent or define exactly what type of sex she wants. I've lost friendships over arguments about Kobe fucking Bryant. I have been in situations in which I have been aggressive (hopefully reading my partner well), I have been in positions where the woman I'm with is very aggressive. (I don't think either of us would appreciate the other person going off and blabbing to other people about it, by the way.) I've had women tell me specifically that we wouldn't be having sex at all only to have them completely and enthusiastically change their minds after getting into it hot and heavy. I have also been in a position where I picked a woman up from a Minneapolis club (looooong ago--I was maybe 21), took her back to a friend's place with the explicit understanding that there would be some sexing, only to find out I was completely mistaken and the girl only want to fool around. She was also very young (probably 20 or 21 also) and I sat her down and told her that it was no problem, of course. But she really needed to be much more careful (hopefully without coming off as a condescending, paternalistic ass). She had no idea where she was or who I was and when we drove her home the next day, it turned out she was an hour away from her home. I was very nervous for her. TM |
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He's getting called a Trumpist on Twitter. Short of voting with Democrats 100% of he time, what can a conservative who still has his conscience do that could satisfy you? |
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https://twitter.com/sencorygardner/s...34654685601792 Senators have all sorts of leverage beyond the ability to make speeches. |
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My observation is that if you expect your exes and hook ups to keep all of your foibles secret, you're going to be disappointed. Thankfully, they aren't of much interest to many people so you won't see them in the paper. But fundamentally I'm saying Ansari is not a victim here. Quote:
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