This killed me:
"All I have to look forward to is what will most likely be a quick, ham-fueled jerk-off session on Easter Sunday. And that seems fundamentally unjust."
Nothing is better than a sacred occasion jerk. You need to get the lead out on those solemn occasions (funerals, weddings, interviews, holidays), so you can cope level-headely with the horribly boring ceremonies you will attend.