Quote:
Originally Posted by Greedy,Greedy,Greedy
Your husband, her father, leaves it to you? Well, I trust you and she are pretty close.
I grew up in a house full of lies. We don't know what Mom convinced herself was true and what Mom lied about to cover and what Mom managed to avoid knowing. But the lack of truth that fundamentally began with Dad did have some negative impact on at least a couple of my siblings relationships with Mom (me, less so; I think my youngest sister actually drew closer to her out of sympathy for it all). I think it had a very negative impact on one sibling's relationship with Mom in particular.
Here's the problem: right now, the original Mom is the untrustworthy liar. Whatever you do, don't join her as someone your step daughter doesn't trust. Dad probably gets to make his own decision.
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It's not as if he said, "This is your problem -- you deal with it." But he and I have different ideas of what she's capable of hearing. He's ok with how I handle her questions, but it's not his style. He's afraid of hurting her further, and has tremendous guilt over what happened to her (not because anything was his fault, or that it was -- he just feels horrible that her mother walked out).
Regardless, I have told all my kids (her included) that if they have questions about anything, I won't ever lie to them. If I think a subject matter is inappropriate, or think they're not ready to hear the answer, I will tell them that -- but I won't make up a BS answer.
Doesn't mean I tell them every detail if they ask a question. Usually, they're satisfied with a generality. My theory is that if they're ready to hear a further answer, they'll ask a follow up question. If they're not ready, they won't.
One example: my (at the time) five-year-old boy asked me what a virgin is (he's a Virgo and was curious as to what his sign meant). My answer was that it's a symbol of purity. He was satisfied with that -- surely one day he won't be, and if I think he's ready for more detail, I'll tell him.
Hell, I certainly don't have all the answers. But I think lying is really destructive and breaks trust. I'd rather hear "I don't want to tell you the answer to that right now" than some BS answer, and I think my kids deserve the same courtesy and respect.
With M (my SD), I can tell that what other adults tell her feels like The Twilight Zone to her. It's just not normal for a mother to abandon her family with the excuse that she needs to "find a job". M says "that can't be the reason.." . Well, duh. The fact that mom, after two years of moving four hours away still doesn't have a job is one clue. M can see that other people have jobs right here in our town! She's not an idiot. How her mother can feed her that drivel, I have no idea.
Maybe I'm not doing the right thing, but it feels like the right thing. That's all I can do. I love her (M) and want her to feel safe and secure, and to know that she can trust me. And I want to be worthy of her trust. Lying doesn't fit into that for me.
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