Quote:
Originally Posted by notcasesensitive
Hey there peoples. I'm having a problem figuring out how to deal with a friend of mine who is crying out for help, and has been for some time, with alcohol, depression and other mental health issues. I am and always have been an "I'm ok, you're ok" kind of person, meaning I'll listen to your issues and give advice if solicited, but I'm not confrontational and I'm unlikely to be the person to give advice or intrude on any larger scale. Here's the (somewhat) abbreviated version of the background:
My friend and I were close in our 20's when we were both in relationships. We have lived in different cities for some time and see each other infrequently now. She divorced about 5 years ago and since then has been in a series of disasterous or unhealthy relationships (ranging from being involved with a married man who decided not to leave his wife to being with someone who tells her that he doesn't see her as The One for him and he's just biding time until he finds Ms. Right). She is one of those women who believes she needs a man in her life, so she's staying with Mr. Not The One.
In addition, she has had serious problems with alcohol. She lost a job that she really liked a few years ago because she was drinking heavily and she stopped being a reliable employee (didn't show up for work on days after she got drunk, etc.). She's been in rehab a couple of times and she's taken the pills that make a person sick if they consume alcohol, but she is currently trying to be a social drinker.
She was laid off from a job she liked about a year ago and since then she's been unable to find work and she's depressed about that, along with everything else.
She is incredibly needy in person. Every time I've seen her in the last 5 years, it has at some point (or at many points) devolved into her tearfully asking me whether she's a good person, whether I think she's pretty, or for other sorts of affirmations of her worth. She also seems to think of things in a rather judgmental -- maybe that isn't the right description -- way. For example she really seems to think that people can be described as being a Good Person or a Bad Person. Which feels like some part of her mental illness to me, but I'm not sure. Another way she is draining, at least to me, is that she is unable to sit in any semblance of silence. She fills any open space with inane stories (or needy pleas).
She sees a therapist regularly, but I'm not sure it is making any progress. If it came down to me saying what I think, I'd say she needs to get off alcohol again and finally figure out her self-worth issues. I know everything is tied together here and honestly I can't figure out whether she could handle getting out of her unsatisfying relationship right now because she is SO in need of outside support and I guess having someone there is acting as support, even though it is totally unhealthy.
Thus far I've been a listener and I've given limited advice about the relationship when asked, but clearly there is more going on here and she's sort of wearing me out. I'm not a caring nurturer (hence no kids) and in some ways I'm about to snap, so I've tried to stay neutrally supportive without buying into all of her pleas for compliments. This makes me feel a bit like I'm withholding, but I'm not sure what to do. It feels false to me to tell her things I don't really believe and yet I don't know if she has the mental health to deal with any sort of reality here.
Alright, I guess I'm talking myself in circles here, so I'll end this post with a some general questions.
How would you deal, or not deal, with this? Is it my business to try to get her help, knowing that this has been going on for some time, or should I just do my typical non-intrusive support thing? I don't communicate with other people close to her and I live far away. I did see her for a weekend recently and it was a completely draining experience for me. It is clear she needs help but I really don't know what to do.
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Quick thoughts:
(1) She is getting help in the form of her therapist, but it doesn't seem to be working. You're not in a position to get her help, but if you feel you must be part of her trainwreck or want to help because you're a good friend, I think you end up trying to talk to her family and see what they're doing.
(2) There is no benefit to anyone in being dishonest to her. If she calls for affirmation, be honest, not politic. "Am I pretty" - "well, the drink is starting to show and you sure as hell don't look great in the middle of or after a bender, but if you got yourself together, yeh, not bad."
(3) She needs a life changing experience - a trip to an Indian ashram, a move to the Farm, peace corpd, religion, etc. - so she'll stop dwelling on her own boring and sick self. Introduce her to Less for some traveling or to Adder just for fun. Or tell her she should join a nunnery for a while instead of rehab. Or invite her to sleep on a beach during a Tsunami.
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