Welcome back E/O, leagl and Fringey: no one say the name "Penske" 3 times in a row

[dtb]

Originally Posted by Greedy,Greedy,Greedy

Your husband, her father, leaves it to you? Well, I trust you and she are pretty close.

I grew up in a house full of lies. We don't know what Mom convinced herself was true and what Mom lied about to cover and what Mom managed to avoid knowing. But the lack of truth that fundamentally began with Dad did have some negative impact on at least a couple of my siblings relationships with Mom (me, less so; I think my youngest sister actually drew closer to her out of sympathy for it all). I think it had a very negative impact on one sibling's relationship with Mom in particular.

Here's the problem: right now, the original Mom is the untrustworthy liar. Whatever you do, don't join her as someone your step daughter doesn't trust. Dad probably gets to make his own decision.

It's not as if he said, "This is your problem -- you deal with it." But he and I have different ideas of what she's capable of hearing. He's ok with how I handle her questions, but it's not his style. He's afraid of hurting her further, and has tremendous guilt over what happened to her (not because anything was his fault, or that it was -- he just feels horrible that her mother walked out).

Regardless, I have told all my kids (her included) that if they have questions about anything, I won't ever lie to them. If I think a subject matter is inappropriate, or think they're not ready to hear the answer, I will tell them that -- but I won't make up a BS answer.

Doesn't mean I tell them every detail if they ask a question. Usually, they're satisfied with a generality. My theory is that if they're ready to hear a further answer, they'll ask a follow up question. If they're not ready, they won't.

One example: my (at the time) five-year-old boy asked me what a virgin is (he's a Virgo and was curious as to what his sign meant). My answer was that it's a symbol of purity. He was satisfied with that -- surely one day he won't be, and if I think he's ready for more detail, I'll tell him.

Hell, I certainly don't have all the answers. But I think lying is really destructive and breaks trust. I'd rather hear "I don't want to tell you the answer to that right now" than some BS answer, and I think my kids deserve the same courtesy and respect.


With M (my SD), I can tell that what other adults tell her feels like The Twilight Zone to her. It's just not normal for a mother to abandon her family with the excuse that she needs to "find a job". M says "that can't be the reason.." . Well, duh. The fact that mom, after two years of moving four hours away still doesn't have a job is one clue. M can see that other people have jobs right here in our town! She's not an idiot. How her mother can feed her that drivel, I have no idea.

Maybe I'm not doing the right thing, but it feels like the right thing. That's all I can do. I love her (M) and want her to feel safe and secure, and to know that she can trust me. And I want to be worthy of her trust. Lying doesn't fit into that for me.

[notcasesensitive]

Originally Posted by greatwhitenorthchick

Wish I could give you a big hug, sweetie.

It is so played out, but big fat red italicized 2. Which I invented. Carry on.

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally Posted by Pretty Little Flower

I just like Funkadelic.

But, well, yes. I have avoided jumping in to this discussion for a number of reasons, and although I know ABBA outside the board, I have not seen her in years, I think. She can correct me if I am wrong. So I have no more insight into this particular situation than anyone else reading the board, and less than some (like ncs). I'll further say that I am not comfortable giving extremely serious life advice based on connecting the dots from some internet posts. But based solely on what she has posted on this board, this week and in the past, I am worried.

as is often the case, flower's words ring true with me. I now realize that many of us should perhaps not be so quick to provide life advice. Consider, most of the socks here are trained in the law, not counseling, and I must admit that I wouldn't trust many socks here even with a legal matter.

[evenodds]

Originally Posted by greatwhitenorthchick

Wish I could give you a big hug, sweetie.

I have been feeling this overwhelming urge to hug and commiserate over fabulous cocktails with ABBA since yesterday.

[Gattigap]

Originally Posted by Pretty Little Flower

I just like Funkadelic.

But, well, yes. I have avoided jumping in to this discussion for a number of reasons, and although I know ABBA outside the board, I have not seen her in years, I think. She can correct me if I am wrong. So I have no more insight into this particular situation than anyone else reading the board, and less than some (like ncs). I'll further say that I am not comfortable giving extremely serious life advice based on connecting the dots from some internet posts. But based solely on what she has posted on this board, this week and in the past, I am worried.

Agree with this.

Also agree with Hank that I wouldn't trust his socks with a legal matter, either.

[robustpuppy]

Originally Posted by evenodds

I have been feeling this overwhelming urge to hug and commiserate over fabulous cocktails with ABBA since yesterday.

I have always wanted to hug ABBA over fabulous cocktails, with or without commiseration.

[sebastian_dangerfield]

Originally Posted by ABBAKiss

I tried to work things out with him for the sake of my daughter. I finally kicked him out when she was maybe 4 months old.

I see that many people here think I should have assumed that a man who told me he loved me really didn't, and it is my fault I was treated like shit. Thanks for that.

Assuming the most nefarious and malevolent of motives in everyone I meet has made all the difference in my life.

[dtb]

Originally Posted by Hank Chinaski

as is often the case, flower's words ring true with me. I now realize that many of us should perhaps not be so quick to provide life advice. Consider, most of the socks here are trained in the law, not counseling, and I must admit that I wouldn't trust many socks here even with a legal matter.

Ha -- true.

Many counselors (therapists, whatever) aren't very good either. I do trust many people who aren't counselors with life advice -- even some posters! It's not as though anyone expects ABBA to say, "Well, Hank's opinion was x, I should follow that to the T." But I don't think it's silly to seek the opinions of people with whom you've had internet relations for over a decade, and with whom you share similar life experiences.

[Pretty Little Flower]

Originally Posted by Hank Chinaski

as is often the case, flower's words ring true with me. I now realize that many of us should perhaps not be so quick to provide life advice. Consider, most of the socks here are trained in the law, not counseling, and I must admit that I wouldn't trust many socks here even with a legal matter.

I didn't mean to be chastising anyone for giving life advice. I think ABBA may be looking for some life advice, although I don't know if she likes the advice she is getting, which is a different issue. I see nothing wrong with non-counselors giving life advice. I'm just personally uncomfortable saying "dump him" or "take him back" when I don't know the full story. But, we know a fair amount of the story and, again, based solely on what has been posted, a restraining order may be something to look into. The situation worries me.

[sebastian_dangerfield]

Originally Posted by ironweed

Yes, and the kids will have great material for their first books.

I've always blamed my inability to write the great American novel on my parents' long and happy marriage. Do you know how hard it is to have to go out and collect all of your own traumas? By the time you're done, you don't even feel like writing about it anymore because you're old and busted like Thurgreed.

I was going through Lolita last week and I think I have the answer to your problem: Passive voice. You can run on for pages and pages saying nothing so long as you do it in passive voice.

It helps to have pedophilic undertones, or perhaps a whale somewhere in the book, but action's fungible. The shouting matches between your neighbors with the matching gold package Escalades should suffice as a plot vehicle of some sort.

[Sidd Finch]

Originally Posted by dtb

So far, I have just said things that are true without spilling everything (which I don't plan to do). I have said stuff like, "I think maybe your mother isn't ready to tell you the real reason, but someday she probably will" and things of that nature. I don't feel right covering for her mother, but I realize that doesn't mean I need to make full disclosure -- though my SD asks a lot of questions, which will only get more pointed as time goes on.

She will find out eventually, and I don't want her to think I was in on the lie. The dynamic had always been to pretend nothing was wrong with a woman walking out on her kids and her life, and that there was nothing unusual about that. But of course my SD knows and feels that it isn't normal and I think she's relieved to have someone to talk about it with. Her parents just change the subject. My view is when she's ready to hear the answer, she will ask a direct question.

I'm a little late to this party -- and still reeling at the info that Abba is fucking that asshole -- but let me say this:

You seem to have the right approach to what is a very difficult situation. I'd stay with the theme that you seem to have -- don't lie, but no need to tell a 2d grader every detail.

[evenodds]

Originally Posted by Atticus Grinch

According to post Bram Stoker vampire mythology, yes, but the folk belief in vampires probably varies enough to make them similar enough to zombies that the distinction is a minor one. A plausible explanation of how a belief in vampires came about, at least under Eastern Mediterranean burial practices. I don't know whether Scandinavian or British or French burial practices made similar discoveries of "alive" dead people less likely so there wasn't as much of a mythos there. Maybe mass graves were less common, or shrouding was déclassé. It sure as hell wasn't because British oral hygiene was best-in-class.

One of the more interesting changes in the movie adaptations of Richard Matheson's I Am Legend was the switch of the "other" from vampire to zombie. In the book and the original adaptation The Last Man on Earth, they were clearly vampiric. By the time we got to the Will Smith movie, they were more zombie than vampire, less thinking and societal.

Vampires essentially create a community living within and upon a larger society, while zombies signal the end of community and society.

[Sidd Finch]

Originally Posted by barely_legal

Well, since you fucked up and let an unreliable cheating douchebag convince you have a kid you didn't want maybe now you need to stop focusing on what YOU want and focus on what's best for your daughter. And do you think that growing up watching her mother hate-fuck a douchebag who habitually cheats and stalks her mom is going to help make her a happy and rational adult capable of making better decisions than you did?

I'm sorry this sounds mean, but jesus christ. I don't have kids but I feel perfectly justified in judging you right now because I MADE A CHOICE not to have kids until I had a partner who also wanted children because I, too, would prefer not to be a single mother. Own up to your mistakes and start putting your daughter first because she's the only victim here.

Well. Fucking. Said.

Or a big hairy red 2. Whatever.

[Greedy,Greedy,Greedy]

Originally Posted by Pretty Little Flower

I didn't mean to be chastising anyone for giving life advice. I think ABBA may be looking for some life advice, although I don't know if she likes the advice she is getting, which is a different issue. I see nothing wrong with non-counselors giving life advice. I'm just personally uncomfortable saying "dump him" or "take him back" when I don't know the full story. But, we know a fair amount of the story and, again, based solely on what has been posted, a restraining order may be something to look into. The situation worries me.

Some people work out these things by posting on a chat board. Sometimes it's easier to talk about anonymously.

Some people don't.

YMMV.

[Fugee]

Originally Posted by Hank Chinaski

umm, she had the baby and she loves her, so this line is moot. it's like me Pm'ing RT that leagl should never have made Ty a mod.

It wasn't a complete thought -- in context of the rest of my posts on the topic it would be more like RT having made Ty a mod because he said he'd be a good mod, revoking his mod-dom after he abused his power then being angry that Ty talked her into making him a mod in the first place but considering making him a mod again. And then you PM-ing her and reminding her that she made one bad decision, so accept her mistake and don't do it again.

Or something like that.